Monday, October 24, 2016

Let the Journey Begin - Bring on the Weight

I have stopped dieting, really difficult for me. And I've gained 10 pounds, also difficult - BUT life is truly too short to spend tethered to a scale and restricting food.

I’ve loaded up on leggings (the old jeans aren’t willing to zip), but more than that, I’ve loaded up on determination – no scale is going to own me!

The fear is, where will it end – will my weight climb to old highs? While I hope not, I just don’t know. And I have to let go.

We’ll see where this goes…. To be continued

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Making Peace

Who would have thought that I’d be more comfortable with FOOD than with my body? After a lifetime of constant food obsession, the idea of freedom would seem inconceivable, but blessedly, it happened. However, I was sure that if food wasn’t an issue, everything would fall into place and I’d be divinely (and I do mean that in the spiritual sense) and naturally thin.

But did I forget the peasant stock I descend from – healthy folks who were naturally hearty, not thin? Did I forget that I’d rather do just about ANYTHING other than exercise? Did I mention I’m in menopause?

And so the ten pounds have stuck.

Last night, I dreamt I ran into an old boyfriend and we talked, covering a lot of ground. But somewhere, in the middle of the rambling dream, I did of course have to mention that I had gained ten pounds.  How crazy.

Time to work on getting truly comfortable with my body AND time to start thinking about some truly important things like volunteer work,  career, friendships…

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Weight - I've Got a New Attitude!

Annoying, but my weight still influences my life. While I’m comfortable with food and certainly never binge or use food for emotional reasons, I’m still focused on the size of my body.

I’ve gained ten pounds this year and weigh the most I’ve weighed since losing 100 pounds 25 years ago. While not completely sure where the weight came from, I chalk it up to age (how did I get to be 52?!) and being a little looser with food.

I’m really enjoying my new, more relaxed approach to eating. I let myself eat a little more and more varied foods, and it’s nice; however, I’m less intrigued by the ten new pounds.
The ten pounds, themselves, are okay – I’d kept myself pretty thin for me, and I am in my 50s and heading into perimenopause, after all  – but I don’t want to gain more and more and more. Where will it stop?

Where is the healthy, sane place? Do I accept my new body and keep my happy new eating habits? What if I continue to gain weight, but don’t want to change my food intake?

My boyfriend doesn’t care and isn’t remotely less interested in me. (He’s less excited about my new and unflattering short haircut, but that will grow.) 

Yes, I’m less comfortable physically (belly roll, bra strap marks, etc.), but that doesn’t make cutting back calorically seem worth it. I’m happy in my life and just not interested in getting back into that consuming weight-watching lifestyle that weight loss would require.

Guess I’ll stay the course. Happily.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Smile, pretty

Last night, I went to pick up Chinese takeout. I heard the guy in front of me leeringly tell the girl behind the counter that she had a beautiful smile. She looked uncomfortable and said, “I guess the braces worked.” He didn’t want to leave. I kind of pushed him aside. The cashier looked relieved.

Let’s look at this interaction more closely. She is 18, tall, blonde and beautiful. He looked to be about 50, with bad skin, beady eyes and mild body odor.

And yet, like most men, he truly THOUGHT HE HAD A CHANCE!

After the guy left, the lovely young cashier told me she gets hit on all the time.  She said, “I wish, for once, guys would just come in and get their food”.

What is it with men? First of all, she’s pretty much a child.  Second, she’s really, really pretty – pretty much out of most guys league.

After I left the Chinese restaurant, I went to the drugstore. The pharmacy tech was young, very handsome and very sweet. He made me feel very old.  It didn’t occur to me to tell him he had a beautiful smile, nice hands, great hair………

What is it with men?

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

The Residual Effects of Fat Shaming

In my last post, I talked about fat shaming. I sure got a lot of it when I weighed 80 pounds more than I do now. Everyone had an opinion on what I should or shouldn’t eat. No one seemed to have any inhibition about sharing those opinions either.

My life turned on shame and guilt about my body size and what I ate. Eventually, I stopped eating, hoping to get skinny and to get the great life I assumed would be mine. I’d have a terrific boyfriend, a wonderful career, great friendships and an easy life. Instead, I found anorexia, bulimia, alcoholism and drug addiction.

What if I’d been left alone about my weight? Who knows?

I’ve come a long, long way and consider myself pretty healthy today and very pleased with my relationship with food. I truly see it as fuel. The obsession is gone, and I get to live a full life.
There’s one niggling little issue tho. When I weighed more, I believed fully that I was unlovable. I was sure no man would want me -- I didn’t even go on my first date until I was 36 and finally thin.

I’ve been thin a long time now, but with age, I’ve been gaining some weight. I still have my free and easy relationship with food, and I’m not eating any differently – but my hormones sure are changing. Even my friends who have always been naturally thin have picked up weight in their 50s.  It’s normal, and I have decide whether to eat less and/or exercise more OR deal with the extra pounds. Not a big deal.

I know it’s fine. I know I’m fine BUT, that old, “will he still love me….?,” starts to creep in. Which is ridiculous, as the guy I date couldn’t care less about what I weigh. He doesn’t even notice AND my weight gain has certainly not dulled his passion!

Old beliefs die hard.  Yet, they’re worth losing, once and for all.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Okay to Fat Shame?

I was at a bridal shower where everyone got smashingly drunk. The bridal party arrived at noon and, by all accounts, left the restaurant at 9:30 or so.

Everyone laughed and giggled as nearly every woman in attendance got blastered. 

Not a peep of disapproval was heard, BUT when one of the bridesmaids – a very heavy woman – ate a cupcake, her cousin leaned over and said, “are you sure you really want that?”   Her mom nodded, adding, “have some fruit, Eva”.  Everyone nodded.

Why is it okay to be sloppy drunk , no matter who you are, but not okay to eat a cupcake if you’re not thin?

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

"You've Lost Weight!"

Is it a compliment to tell someone they look like they've lost weight? Such a loaded question for me. I try so hard to remind myself constantly that weight doesn't matter, but old habits die hard. "You lost weight!", is still a knee jerk commit, and I always assume it's a huge compliment. I've even said it when it didn't look like the person had lost weight - I just thought it was a great thing to say!

Of course, who even knows why someone lost the weight. Are they ill? Are they going through an unhappy time?

And the ultimate question - why have I always thought that weight loss is such a great thing anyway?