Friday, November 25, 2016

Does it end? Or not?

I'm okay with my new current weight.  I'm definitely bigger. My jeans are tight, but that's why God made leggings, of course. So, that's okay.

Trying on dresses at Marshall's today, the saleswoman recommended I buy spanx. I was okay. Of course, I'm never going to wear spanx (I'm all about comfort, thus the leggings), but I could deal with the fact that spanx might now improve the way i look in a dress.

So, right now, I'm okay. But the trend has been upward and onward in the weight department, and I promised myself I'd keep on this mission until my body found it's real comfortable place to rest. And so I worry a bit.

I'm still completely happy with the way I'm eating. My relationship to food is excellent - it's fuel and I like it to taste good.

But I can't deny the niggling concern that this upward trend won't stop and I'll gain and gain and gain until I'll be asked to purchase an extra seat for myself on an airplane.

Still, I won't stop this process. I have always, always related to larger women, knowing that I am meant to stand with them. I need to work on the confidence to go home to where my body wants to be, wherever that is.

The journey continues...

Thursday, November 24, 2016

An Untraditional Thanksgiving

I used to hate Thanksgiving. Loathe.  It terrified me, the compulsive eater, anorexic and bulimic. I'd go, eat wildly, hate myself, go home and keep bingeing, Then followed  a night over the toilet, forcing myself to puke.

Regardless of where I stood in my eating (disordered) career, I tended to ruin everyone else's Thanksgiving too. The last year of my mother's life was the height of my bulimia. It was clearly going to be my mom's last Thanksgiving, her very favorite holiday. I went (my sister would have killed me if i hadn't), but I was awful. I complained bitterly that they were forcing me to binge by serving such fattening food. Ahead of the dinner, I begged that they make only steamed vegetables and turkey and became infuriated when they didn't. I believe I thru a tantrum during dinner - my mother's last holiday.

Now, I can't tell you the last time I went to a Thanksgiving meal. Last year, I went to an AA meeting with a friend. Other years, I've worked, volunteered or stayed in. Delicious.

Free of the chains of food addiction, I could go and be just fine, if I chose to. If my best friend came home for the holiday, I would love to go to his family's. But he comes in for Christmas, and there's really nowhere else I'd rather be on this day.

Today, I slept until noon (!!!!). It doesn't get better than that - I could stop there. I drank coffee, read a good book, watched game shows (my absolute guiltiest pleasure) and then met with a sponsee, always rewarding.

Now, I'm home, heading to a bath and the aforementioned good book. A delightful day. Never thought I 'd say that about Thanksgiving.


Sunday, October 30, 2016

To scale or Not to Scale?

I admit that I’m still weighing myself occasionally. I want to see what happens when I’m free with food, but perhaps that means I’m still tethered to a number.

The rule is that no matter the number, I can’t change how I’m eating.  And I must make peace with any number at all.

Right now, the number is staying about the same, but that's happened all along the way to my current weight. I'd hover around a number for a while, then go up a few pounds. My gut tells me there's more to come.

Perhaps, I am afraid. Mostly, I think I'm curious to see my what body does when it's allowed to do what it wants. 

I do LOVE the way I’ve been eating and realize that I used to eat less than was satisfying. Now, I’m completely content. There’s no desire to overeat or to eat when I’m not hungry, and I’m feeding myself more happily.

Should I put down the scale?

Saturday, October 29, 2016

New Thinking

I now need to get over caring so much about how I look. It’s too consuming. Growing up fat with frizzy hair and braces and acne, it was REGULARLY pointed out by my schoolmates that I was not attractive in any way. That was many decades ago, but it’s stuck in me somewhere.

Even today I’m overly concerned with how I look, and it’s more concerning with ten extra pounds, a REALLY bad and unmanageable haircut and many new lines on my aging face.
But I am determined to get to a new place.  I am fine. 

Yesterday, I spoke at an AA meeting in NYC. Although I’d live there for 15 years, I’ve been living in West New Jersey with woods as my backyard for the last 10. Walking through Times Square, I started doing what I’ve done my whole life – comparing myself to other people, even men! Who was thinner, more stylishly dressed (hello, everyone!), cooler, more sophisticated, who had better hair (with apologies to my hairdresser, everyone!)

And then I stopped myself. I haven’t been in NYC in many years – what was I doing?!!! I wasn’t seeing anything.   I looked up, and saw all the marquees for the great shows on Broadway – all the major hits, new and old. I saw the famous old restaurants and gaudy newer ones.  I listened and heard all different languages and accents and remembered that these people had come to this place because it’s amazing and exciting and extraordinary. What was I doing comparing my shoes to the lady standing next to me?

What am I doing with my life, who am I helping, how am I contributing if I’m spending so much time worrying about a bad haircut that will grow anyway?


That’s a good place to begin……………..

Monday, October 24, 2016

Let the Journey Begin - Bring on the Weight

I have stopped dieting, really difficult for me. And I've gained 10 pounds, also difficult - BUT life is truly too short to spend tethered to a scale and restricting food.

I’ve loaded up on leggings (the old jeans aren’t willing to zip), but more than that, I’ve loaded up on determination – no scale is going to own me!

The fear is, where will it end – will my weight climb to old highs? While I hope not, I just don’t know. And I have to let go.


We’ll see where this goes…. To be continued

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Making Peace

Who would have thought that I’d be more comfortable with FOOD than with my body? After a lifetime of constant food obsession, the idea of freedom would seem inconceivable, but blessedly, it happened. However, I was sure that if food wasn’t an issue, everything would fall into place and I’d be divinely (and I do mean that in the spiritual sense) and naturally thin.

But did I forget the peasant stock I descend from – healthy folks who were naturally hearty, not thin? Did I forget that I’d rather do just about ANYTHING other than exercise? Did I mention I’m in menopause?

And so the ten pounds have stuck.

Last night, I dreamt I ran into an old boyfriend and we talked, covering a lot of ground. But somewhere, in the middle of the rambling dream, I did of course have to mention that I had gained ten pounds.  How crazy.


Time to work on getting truly comfortable with my body AND time to start thinking about some truly important things like volunteer work,  career, friendships…

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Weight - I've Got a New Attitude!

Annoying, but my weight still influences my life. While I’m comfortable with food and certainly never binge or use food for emotional reasons, I’m still focused on the size of my body.

I’ve gained ten pounds this year and weigh the most I’ve weighed since losing 100 pounds 25 years ago. While not completely sure where the weight came from, I chalk it up to age (how did I get to be 52?!) and being a little looser with food.

I’m really enjoying my new, more relaxed approach to eating. I let myself eat a little more and more varied foods, and it’s nice; however, I’m less intrigued by the ten new pounds.
The ten pounds, themselves, are okay – I’d kept myself pretty thin for me, and I am in my 50s and heading into perimenopause, after all  – but I don’t want to gain more and more and more. Where will it stop?

Where is the healthy, sane place? Do I accept my new body and keep my happy new eating habits? What if I continue to gain weight, but don’t want to change my food intake?

My boyfriend doesn’t care and isn’t remotely less interested in me. (He’s less excited about my new and unflattering short haircut, but that will grow.) 

Yes, I’m less comfortable physically (belly roll, bra strap marks, etc.), but that doesn’t make cutting back calorically seem worth it. I’m happy in my life and just not interested in getting back into that consuming weight-watching lifestyle that weight loss would require.


Guess I’ll stay the course. Happily.