Ironic, Alanis?

so Alanis M. was anorexic and bulimic as a teenager while facing the pressures of the music business.

these days, she says she's feeling great. i so hope that's true but find myself so skeptical. my skepticism makes me feel guilty -- am i always seeing the negative.

anyway, back on topic, i have read a couple of things that make me wonder.

first, the singer is s participating in the Bizz Johnson Trail Marathon on Oct. 11 to raise money for the National Eating Disorders Association. to my mind, a marathon could be pretty excessive for someone with an ED. i still think it's weird that National ED Association connects with it. i did read that Alanis was sort of a jock growing up and this is just part of an extension of her love of sport.

second,Alanis turned to the vegan diet after gaining a few extra pounds and reading a book which covers the many health benefits of a vegan diet. after Alanis went vegan, she lost 20 pounds and, evidently, felt better than ever!!

The singer starts out with a spinach banana smoothie and then digs into a kale salad for lunch. she says she's practically addicted to those spinach smoothies. For a snack, she’ll have her "favorite" grapefruit. yes, i added the quotes, but still...

her comments and actions make me wonder -- with that super-healthy eating and lots and lots of exercise, how "healthy" is she. but if she really is feeling and doing great, what can i say? whatever makes her happy!

she's quite public about her eating and running, running, running, hoping to encourage those struggling with EDs. is this the best message? i say this with apologies to my vegan friends and exercise lovers. maybe you can educate me?

is this the best message? i really don't know. and don't know what i think. my first reaction is... well, no. but maybe that's me and and my anger. am i secretly pissed that she's figured it out? that she's exercising and apparently happy? like i said, i really don't know.

my own eating frequently stumps me. the best eating for me frequently stumps me. i still don't know how much i want to get into food and how much i'd rather just get more finesse with hungry and full and skip the bells and whistles. a work in progress.

on another note, there's a new Miss Seattle, 21-year-old McKinley Smith. McKinley's platform, "EveryBODY is Beautiful," deals with eating disorders. "For many years, negative body image defined my life," she writes. McKinley struggled with anorexia throughout high school and then bulimia in college.

I am assuming Ms. Smith would tell you she's recovered? wasn't she bulimic like -- last year or something?

Can you really be in a BEAUTY pageant and do well with a just recently cured (?) eating disorder. Aren't there lots of heavily dieting women around you? are some of them clearly disordered? is any of this triggering?

i know i'm awfully skeptical today. maybe i'm jealous. i think it's more that if i were Ms. Smith, i'd be still be major struggling, horribly triggered and certainly nowhere near recovery. if i were Ms. Morrissette and eating spinache smoothies and kale, hold the dairy and running marathons, it would be an extension of my ED.

but that's me.

Walk the Walk

one morning last week, while on a business trip, i watched Live with Regis and Kelly (if you don't know, it's a typical morning chat show). Country music star Reba McIntyre was the first guest. I've met Reba McIntyre, and she's pretty tiny. But she was at least twice the size of the morning show's host, Kelly Ripa. In the last few years, Kelly (hope she doesn't mind the familiarity) has gotten thinner and thinner. She's full of energy and good cheer, so i assume she's healthy, but she looks really, really thin.

there i sat in my hotel room, wishing i were Kelly's size.

what is that about?

if Russian peasant stock me were Kelly Ripa's size, i'd seriously need hospitalization, as i wouldn't have been eating for months. She's a very pretty woman, but whenever my fiance sees her on TV, he says it's painful to look at her -- she's "scarey" skinny. (sorry kelly. this isn't about you.)

to summarize - for me to be her size, i'd have to be very, very sick AND my own fiance would think i looked scarey. (currently, he tells me i'm beautiful the minute i wake up. okay, so he must like smeared mascara and alfafa hair, but he's entitled to his opinion.)

after all the work i've done getting my mind and body healthy, why would i want to be painfully thin?

my teeny, weeny type A sister just got a colonoscopy. after the laxative part of the pre-op prep, she complained that she lost a few pounds she really didn't need to lose.

as i commiserated with her over her sad little weight loss, my little green ED monster bit it's tongue.

i've gained a few pounds, after a weekend of fun with family. it's fine. i know i'll go back to my usual eating and weigh whatever i usually weigh. i'm healthy at this weight. i have energy, i'm not weak or dizzy from hunger. i'm not stuffed from stuffing down feelings with food. when i go to the store, there's a nice assortment of clothes that fit well. no one tells me i look too thin; no one suggests i could stand to lose a few.

but in the secret dark recesses of my devilish brain, if i could, i'd switch for Kelly Ripa's body.

there. i've said it, but i won't accept that this is my final destination thinking. i'm trying to get my 14 year old niece to accept her thighs. i pray her friend will stop purging the little she eats (in search of kelly ripa's body?) i take my 20 year-old niece shopping at Lane Bryant and help her enjoy all the cute clothes in her size. we had such happy days finding a new wardrobe. each time she repeatedly dissed her body -- i told her she looked beautiful, and she did.

i believe i'm forgetting someone. me. how can i be my own aunt?

anxious about my weight?

i worried about my weight this morning - hadn't been on the scale since last Monday (you go, girl)AND had a big weekend of eating. but my period's over, and in my book, it's time to weigh in.

anxiety built all morning (i don't have a scale, so i wait until i get to my brother's around noon). oh, what if i've gained? why did i eat pizza and pretzels and chocolate, mindlessly? how should i eat today? could i settle for a higher weight, so i wouldn't have to worry so over pizza and pretzels and chocolate?

what a tizzy! all over the potential of small weight gain? hmmm.

so, i bounced on the scale and the number was around the same it is most mornings. but, lo and behold, i was still anxious. very anxious.

could it be that the problem wasn't my weight? what about the fact that i dread my job and find myself lazier and lazier at work. i goof off when i should be cold-calling,and i'm not setting up the appointments i need to. I HATE COLD-CALLING! my brother and his wife are going to notice!!!! ow, my head hurts. dizzy and nauseous. i hear my heart beating rapidly.

today, i made myself focus and get to work, but i was so anxious and nervous that i could barely speak when potential clients picked up their phones. i know i sounded nervous, but there wasn't much i could do. i just kept calling, and i'm proud of myself for that.

i dream about my job - i'm terrified that my brother will get his awful condescening tone and yell at me. ANXIOUS!

also, i'm planning to go back to school, but it's going to be expensive, and there aren't schools near me that offer what i want. if i want to fulfill a dream and change careers, it's likely i'll have a tremendously long commute or i'll have to move somewhere else. what about my fiance? he's in career transition too and isn't sure what he'll be doing. AHHHHHHH!

none of this is coming easily. sometimes, things fall into place, but i'm totally confused.

thru all this, i haven't thought about food,other to eat when i'm hungry. i have so much on my mind and none of it is my weight. how interesting.

unfortunately, obsessing about weight was actually easier than dealing with the real stuff. wow, i'm doing better. well, look at that.

I was present

i went to a big, fancy wedding last saturday.

i didn't drink. i didn't focus on food. i was present.

it was a pretty awful event - an interfaith marriage, and the only people in the room who seemed okay with it were the clergy, and even then i can't be sure.

the groom's mother wept all night, and they clearly weren't tears of joy. the grandchildren wouldn't be jewish. his father scowled hard all evening. the cocky brother picked a fight with my fiance.

the bride's grandparents wouldn't attend. her mother roamed around aimlessly mumbling, "i've never seen anything like this before."

the bride is a lovely 23 year old woman. she's got a great career, speaks many languages, is very beautiful and she's very, naturally, easily thin. but i wouldn't trade places with her -- not with those in-laws. (the groom seems nothing like his family. let's pray that's true.)

i sat next to d.'s brother and his wife. they did not speak one word during the whole dinner. not to each other. not to me. the music was so loud that i couldn't really hear what anyone else at the table was saying.

but no matter who they were, what they were feeling and which religious/cultural background they represented, EVERYONE drank. hard. really hard.

one person at the wedding didn't drink. me. i was present.

it was the first time since i stopped drinking that i wanted to be drunk. other times, i've looked at nice wineglasses filled with merlot and thought, "doesn't that look nice."

not saturday. i wanted to be all boozed up and not painfully aware of the tension, the anger, the stress, the sadness, the pain.

but i didn't drink. i didn't use food. it was the first wedding i've been to that i didn't get wildly drunk and then go home and binge and puke.

i sat with the discomfort. the incredible discomfort for seven hours. it sucked.

but i did it. i can't tell you how proud i am.

each step is a new step. some involve great experiences; some are mediocre; some suck.

i can handle them all.

life change Part 1

the business travel season starts with a vengeance. leaving for the west coast at 5am tomorrow. and then it's pretty consistent through X-mas. i'm really tired of it. it's time for me to dig in and make some life changes.

i've never found a fulfilling career. for years, i put mad energy into finding my soul's work -- seminars, career counselors, job changes. i'd read everything about every job possible and i applied to grad school many, many, many times in many different fields. i never went, BUT i did get into one Ivy league law school. that was my best moment careerwise.

i've been a human resources manager, a casting assistant, an executive recruiter, an events coordinator and now, i'm a sales manager. NONE of these jobs fit me or fulfilled me.

as many of you know, a few years ago a while my parents were dying, my life detoured into drugs and alcohol.

coming back from that, i was just able to put one foot in front of the other and head to my therapist and groups. as i was started to function, my brother let me come and answer his phones. in time, i started making sales calls. i've never liked it, but it's kept me employed, and i am GRATEFUL.

now, i'm feeling...almost confident. i'm telling myself that i have the strength and ability to do whatever i want. it used to scare me. now, i'm a little excited.

so, i'll be a traveling gal. don't know how much time i'll have for blogging. i'm planning to check in as much as possible. food on the road is never easy. BUT, i do feel more confident. if i don't write, i'll be thinking of you all and wishing you peace.

i hope it's warm in california

Valerie Bertinelli and me

i've been reading Valerie Bertinelli's new book, Finding It: And Satisfying My Hunger for Life without Opening the Fridge. (before i go further, the book is rather unsatisfying. blah. i wouldn't waste the same amount of money i did on it.)

but i digress.

while boring, the book does rev up my usual questions and confusions. there's that assumption that -- life, natch, is much more that weight loss, but weight loss is still great. over-eating isn't just about food, it goes a whole lot deeper, but food is practically the kama sutra, but we really shouldn't eat it, unless, of course, it's a fruit or vegetable, in which case, we should eat it in unlimited quantities to squealth our bottomless hunger, which isn't really hunger for food, anyway, but isn't food great. ditto to weight loss? drum roll and/or linda blair head spin.

i ask you -- if we are thin because we healthfully follow weight watchers (as opposed to say, some of our less than zesty anorexic plans), is it then great to be thin? is it preferred to be thin? do most of us, really, want to be thin? what is thin?

i have more questions.

what is a foodie and is this an interesting thing or is it someone with a weird obsession? how much interest in food is healthy?

what's with the whole restaurant craze? who eats at these restaurants? are they thin? do they say, "i really shouldn't have", after tucking into creme brulee chocolat?

i love the show, top chef, (not sooo much since i stopped drinking. they drink an awful lot of fine vino out of gorgeous glasses, once one of my top three ways to spend my day. okay, top fave. i used to pop open some nice grape and pull up a chair.)

yet, i don't eat any of that stuff. here's y i watch. how does padma lakshmi stay so ridiculously thin? how do the other judges stay the normal, average weights they are? apparently, they eat all the time. sometimes, padma eats more in five minutes than i spread over a few day. what about the nights when they taste test TWO restaurants? even with little bites, that's a lot o' food. and wine is fattenting too.

i sound weight obsessed. maybe. i do wish i could figure out how to eat to maintain some nice medium weight without using 95% of my time and then... TO STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!!!

i was at a big anniversary dinner last saturday. i'll say i did great. no alcohol and that was fine. that's really the big coup. i ate healthfully and tasted small-ish amounts of anything i really wanted and had a little cake. then, d. and i hit the floor and danced the night away, which we both love. how great is that -- ate moderately AND thru in some exercise.

but geez, isn't that an awful lot of over-thinking for one little evening? how much work is it to settle on one little meal? and then what about joyfully dancing with your new fiance -- the whole time considering it...exercise? "calorie burning" kind of takes the romance out of it, no? (see also "sex".)

overall, the more i know, somehow the more confused i get. once, i KNEW for sure that it was best to be thin at all costs. arguing was futile. once, i KNEW i knew best for me and my savaged body.

now, i know a lot better. but often feel i know nothing.

A Heart Tied with String

i love this blog, A Heart Tied with String is a Pretty Thing,, I hope you all will check it out.

The author is an amazing artist. her pictures of women, struggling with body image, self-esteem and life in general, tell many stories -- some sad, some disturbing, and always evocative. i often feel she tells my story.

i love her last post, "uh, do these bones make my hips look wide?". hope you'll go see it.

Melissa