Pain

"I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with the pain."  James Baldwin

And boy did I hate. Of course, I loathed myself for bingeing and purging. When I was starving through anorexia, hunger made me furious, and I hated the world . I hated my mother for everything and blamed her for all my problems. I resented my beautiful blissfully married sister and my happy, successful friends. I seethed about bosses and men, as a category, and hated the doctors and therapists, who didn't know what to do with me.

Few escaped my wrath. I lashed out, bitter and self-pitying, always the victim. My fury agitated me to a place of unbearable discomfort, and so I reached for food and more food and more food until I couldn't breathe or think or feel - blotting out the world and it's people.

Hate masked the pain. Food masked the pain. But it was still there.

Until I dealt with it, I was doomed to repeat. Blessedly, I can face it. I can be free. I don't have to hate. And I never have to repeat again.