Last night, I had dinner with family and friends. It was a lovely meal, however, after dinner many complained that they had eaten way too much and were way too full. Others chimed in that they "hadn't stopped eating" since Thanksgiving and felt gross. With January 1, they were turning over healthy new leaves.
This is never my experience anymore. I never over-eat, because it's not worth it. Having spent most of my life thinking obsessively and exclusively about food, I treasure the joy of being free of it. Once, I lived with constant guilt shame and remorse because of the amounts I consumed. I don't have that now, because I don't care to eat more than my body wants and needs.
In this way, I know peace. And food has no influence over me. It's just food - nourishment and fuel that, hopefully, tastes good.
I don't get excited about food - it holds no special pull. Yes, I enjoy a tasty meal, but I focus more on the company, the surroundings and any other joy I can take from the evening.
Many people love food and make it a big part of their lives, and good for them. But that's not a luxury I can afford. The less I focus on eating, the better it is for me.
Other people have other ways of making right their relationship with food. This is what works for me.
How did you get to a place where you knew what your body needed? How did you get to the place where your mind and body met each other and made peace? I don't consider myself to still have an ED but I mean, I guess if I have to be totally honest, I'm not normal/healthy. For example, I tend to eat before bed EVERY night. I won't eat enough in the day (not on purpose...) and then as soon as I get in bed, I'm suddenly like "oh crap, I NEED FOOD!" and then if I eat a little bit, I end up eating more and more and I guess you could even call it a "binge" most nights. God that's hard to admit. It's this horrible thing I'm trying to break out of, but it's so hard to eat like a person SHOULD eat. It's like my mind and body do not communicate properly. I have no idea what my body "needs" but I'm definitely doing all of this wrong.
ReplyDeleteSo I'd be interested in hearing how you reconciled all of it.
Erin; that's the way i used to live - eat little all day and then eat and eat at night, even if it wasn't a full-on binge. A couple of questions - why do you not eat enough during the day, what's the underlying reason? And then - what's really going on underneath the desire to eat and eat and eat? What's troubling you that you're looking for comfort and oblivion in compulsive eating? And are you so "fed up" and desperate that you're willing to give it up and find a new way to live? Food was my crutch, my answer to everything for so long that it took a while for me to be willing to let it go.
ReplyDeleteThe 12 Steps were very helpful to me. i was able to take a deep look at myself and change the things that were blocking me from freedom. I don't follow an OA food plan or practice abstinence from any foods. It was the Steps, themselves, that helped me.
Of course, you don't have to answer to me the questions i posed to you. just worth thinking about. Does any of this resonate?
I don't think I eat for emotional reasons, really. I kind of think that if I regularly fed my body like a person should, I wouldn't suddenly be screaming for food at bedtime and let my guard down and over-eat. Now why do I under-eat in the day? I am not sure. I think my hunger signals are screwed up and I have always had an extremely hard time eating when not HUNGRY. And I'm less hungry in the day AND less likely to listen to the hunger/more likely to ignore it & forget to eat. I know that sounds crazy! But I forget ALL the time. So I think I'm having some sort of physiologic response? I also have it in my head that eating before bed will help me sleep (because it definitely has many times). So, that's basically what's going on.
ReplyDeleteAre you open to changing your routine?
ReplyDeleteI really want to but there's some sort of barrier. I just blogged about it actually. I'd love for you to read it and tell me what you think. I believe you have access to it (it's locked)... it's go-go-bananas.blogspot.com. Thanks for getting me thinking about all of this!
ReplyDeleteI just went to your blog and will get to read more thoroughly and comment tomorrow. Thank you for leading me there!!!
DeleteHi Erin: I was able to get on to your blog yesterday, but today, permission was denied. Hope all is well. I had wanted to re-read it and comment. Let me know how I can get on, if you would like, M
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