i just over-ate. at 4;30 pm. still have dinner to go. with my whole family.
oh, i am talking to myself -- be gentle, be gentle!
i am at my sister's, visiting her family. i love this family, but with all i've been going through, i guess i'm just not in the right place to visit.
there's so much on my plate -- sobriety with slips (yes), iop, getting a new job that's many steps below where i think i should be, financial issues, working things out with my boyfriend and trying to be real.
i sure don't know "real". i've lived in such a fantasy world -- so far from real. now everything needs to get real, and i have to make that happen
in iop, we talked about how good it is to be around each other, people who "get it". my sister's family is health and wealthy and normal. they know NOTHING of any kind of addiction. i feel isolated. separate. alone in my own private world.
it's too bad because usually i cherish being here and leave planning to move to pittsburgh. this time, i want to go home and eat healthy food with my boyfriend, on his deck. ahhhh.
so, i ate. i haven't used food like this in long time. it wasn't really a binge, binge, but i had a generous snack between lunch and dinner and was far from hungry. maybe 500 calories or so, which is thousands below the old days, but still i have a long night ahead, knowing i've actually eaten enough for the day.
we're having big family dinner in a couple of hours. hmmmm. and i'm not drinking, so i'll be staring at the food. and i need to help my sister prepare the feast. i hate cooking and being around food, especially when i've eaten too much already. scarey!
i'll make it. i don't get to see my family enough - i'm going to enjoy them. i'll be home soon enough (Monday night) and still have one week before work starts. there's lots of time to eat delicious and healthy food on the deck with my boyfriend.
my niece just asked if i want to go for a walk. perfect. EXACTLY what i need.
i got a very, very cute haircut today. i haven't told my boyfriend yet -- he likes it long. now, he'll know.
thanks for listening. i needed this.