Does anyone else lie? maybe it's more of the alcoholic/drug addict part of me that likes the whoppers and white ones? i guess i lied around my eating disorder, but i think this is my substance abuser stttreetttcching the truth.
tonight, my therapist told me i need to be honest all the time. what???!!!
i feel pretty crummy about myself. i've been drinking since labor day and telling my therapist and IOP i was sober. LIAR. every morning, i'd text my therapist i took antabuse and she'd write back how proud she was of me. LIAR. trust-crusher. betrayer. the true L word.
last night, instead of going to IOP, i rented a cheap hotel room and told my boyfriend i was going to IOP. yes, i'd had a crazy full week with not ONE minute to myself. yes, i had my period and awful cramps and madness. and yes, i needed the time to myself. BUT I LIED. i did eventually confess to my boyfriend, who already knows the severe limits to my trustworthiness. and knows that i've been feeling suffocated. and knows I AM A LIAR.
i'm afraid to publish this. will anyone ever want to be my blogger friend again? i don't lie on the blog.
now, i must be honest. all the time. my therapist is calling my iop counselor and telling her to watch me take antabuse. yick. sobriety.
my therapist tells me drinking is holding me back from a full life. now, i have no money, a very "eh" job that is no interest to me and lots of repercussions.
is there a chance i could have a full life? could i do something that really uses more of my literary interests and less of my sales background? will i ever be able to take care of myself?
well, i did go to my job all week, and i did pay attention and SMILE thru the cramps and anxiety. i am terrified of the computers, but i am going back on monday. i will go to iop. i will go to AA meetings.
i will give myself a chance.