Living life without distractions is different. I'm not drinking, drugging, starving, purging or acting out. Where's the drama, where's the excitement, the danger?
This is a hard lesson. I can't remember living without some distraction from life.
Now, I'm sitting with anxiety, boredom, worry, pain. I'm living it. And getting thru it.
It's odd learning to cope with life at 46. Look at me, I'm...getting thru the day.
A normal person would say that mundane beats drunk and living on the edge. Some parts of me know that, but some parts are restless.
AA helps. I can ground myself there with others who know exactly, exactly where i've been and where i am. I see people who've come so far and have much richer lives for the process.
Without drama and excitement, I see the things I need to change. Before I ignored them with the help of the sauce, et. al.
Last night, we had company over. Some were drinking and yes, i wanted that wine. as the night went on my focus shifted to food and yes,I wanted those chicken wings. i ate more and more consistently than i would have preferred, but overall, it was okay.
still, today, i felt sorry for myself. why do i have sooo many issues? if it isn't wine, it's food, if it's not food, it's pills, if not pills, then i look for drama elsewhere. the point is, i need to tolerate the discomfort and social awkwardness and party conversations that don't scintillate. I can get thru it and without cabernet or crudite.
This seems a stilted post, as this is all just so new and uncomfortable for me. Drama I know so well. Run of the the mill, day-to-day life -- how do I manage that? For now, I'm working on tolerating it.
Tomorrow's five week's sober. Tonight, i meet with my sponsor. To be continued.
My car is giving me a lot of trouble. My boyfriend keeps giving me his car so i can get to work safely. He rides his motorcyle in the cold.
My puppy friend is coming over for a visit in a few minutes. As my friend, Eve, said "happiness is a warm puppy".
I'm meeting with my sponsor tonight. She has such great wisdom, and I'm just doing what she tells me and believing in it.