Monday, October 4, 2010


i can't begin to tell you how much dread i felt about going to work today. this morning, i had a panic attack and almost fainted. i have trouble sleeping because i dread work and i have bad dreams about the job.

this morning, i could barely keep my eyes open driving to work. i really did almost fall asleep. it was truly creepy & dangerous. i didn’t sleep terrifically, but i got enough sleep, so that shouldn't have happened.

last friday, our director put it on my calendar to meet with her every day this week. i don't know why. i worry that they worry i'm not learning quickly enough. and I strongly fear that she's going to make me do a lot of outgoing sales, which i truly dread. truly.

how do i work things thru with this dread? every night, i get miserable about going to work the next day.

this is a very controlled job for a very free spirit. it's timed when you go to the bathroom. every time you get up you have to clock out. How long you’re on the phone is tracked.

what is the dread? In the old days, I never wanted to go to work either. Then I’d drink and binge and purge all night, maybe trying to make myself sick enough so I wouldn’t have to go to work. Then came drugs, and I really wasn’t capable of going to work. Life just fell apart.

Now, I’m not drinking or drugging or binging or purging or starving, so all the feelings are here. I’m not numbing or anesthetizing to “cope”. I’m living.

All the feelings are right here. I just stand and watch them invade and take over my body. It was terrifying this morning, when I nearly passed out and then could barely stand up. Who’s in charge of this body, anyway?

EPILOGUE: I got myself to work. I calmed myself minute by minute and things got better and easier. Work got a little more interesting, we had a good meeting and I really took and enjoyed my lunch hour.

I’m such a fearful person. Why couldn’t I convince myself that this day could possibly be fine?

Guess I need to learn to cope without Chardonnay, 3 pizzas and a quart of ice cream, nights flung over the toilet, Percoset…

All new.

Gratitude list:

I met with my sponsor yesterday for the first time. She is the loveliest person in so many ways. I picked well! She gave me homework and I’m working away. Going to a nice meeting tonight that she runs. And I have a good friend who goes to. Great way to end the day!

I was hungry for lunch. I haven’t felt true hunger in quite a while. Lunch was tasty and now I’m nursing a nice cup of coffee.

Dancing With the Stars is on tonight. And then I’m going to take a bath. Ahhh


  1. I'm with you, sometimes its so great to look forward to a relaxing evening and a good show!

    I'm sorry your job causes so much anxiety and dread for you. That is certainly no way to live. It's too bad the economy is in the crapper or I would say to quit and look for something else...

    that's great that you could at least find some positives in your day! Hope tomorrow is a good one :)


  2. Well, if I had to do that as a job I would die. Sales just are not me at all. I am a cog in the wheel, a little robot who could never make a sales call if her life depended on it. The fact you can do it impresses me more than you will know.

    I think it is normal to have those sorts of days. I get them, especially when we are short of money and I know I am going to get phone calls for money. I used to lie in bed at night full of vomit inducing anxiety. One day I just said to myself "either deal with it or get another job". I figure any job is going to have days like that.

    I think it must be hard to be so tracked with your time at work. It puts horrible pressure on you.

    Your day ended on a good note and that is all you have to think of. You did well. You should be proud.

  3. I'm sorry you were feeling so much dread about your job, but I'm glad it turned out to be an alright day for you in the end.

    Whenever I feel dread, it's usually because I am dealing with situations that seem overwhelming to me. Like you, I also get really nervous and end up with panic attacks.

    If I dread getting through a day, I usually think about the day and map it out on a grid in my mind, breaking it down hour by hour into smaller, more manageable portions so that it doesn't seem so vast and overwhelming. That sometimes helps me to bring down my anxiety levels a bit.

    I hope today is a good one for you :)


  4. Lisa; It's okay for now. It's a job. The people are nice. Sometimes, it's interesting. There's a ton to learn and a high expectation. i just get stressed out. i've never dealt with multi-tasking, etc., all too well.

    but yes, there are some very good things in my life. thanks, you

    Linda; yes, i'm not a happy salewoman, but i am kind of managing. yes, i know that vomit-inducing anxiety. i've been consistently nauseous these last couple of weeks.
    still, i'm doing the best i can (usually) and hanging in.

    i'm getting busy with AA and focussing on that part of my life. THAT feels really good.

    Nicole: Thanks, really good suggestions. the big picture does get overwhelming. breaking it down helps. and looking forward to going to my evening AA meeting helps too. it's really a good place to decompress and be with other folks in the same boat.

    i AM looking at the good things. today wasn't too bad either. we'll see. lots of other stuff to work on!

  5. I am sorry that you're not enjoying your job, but hopefully it will start to look up as you become more familiar with it.:) I think it would be even harder to go to a job you don't enjoy while dealing with recovery from an eating disorder/alcohol problems. I hope that your job can function as a nice distraction for you through this!

    On the other hand, I am so glad that you are doing well in AA, that your sponsor is great, and that you have a friend to support you! All wonderful things :) You are so brave for going on.

  6. S.A. i also hope the job picks up once i'm more familiar with it. it's okay for now. i'm hanging in there, which is something i really didn't do before. so, it's okay. and when it's busy, it is distracting.

    AA HAS been good for me. i have stuff to read and homework from my sponsor. there's a lot of support there - something i've needed for a long time.

    Hope you are well. Take really good care. I know it's difficult and complicated, yet i'm telling you, it's possible to find more peace.


  7. Wow, lots of ups and downs in one day. But glad it ended well! I'm so happy to hear that you like your sponsor, I would think that is one of the keys to recovery - the relationship you have with your sponsor. Your intuition has served you well!

  8. Starting a new job is one of the most stressful things in life, so give yourself a break. I know how it feels to dread going to work. I was going through much of the same thing at the beginning of the school year because I was in 2 new schools. Nicole had a good suggestion of breaking down the day into more manageable chunks. I'm sure the sleepiness was caused by stress and anxiety. I'm so proud of you for how you are handling everything, and allowing yourself to feel without numbing out by using behaviors. That is definitely something to be proud of!
    Sending {{{HUGS}}}

  9. harriet; every day seems to have lots of ups and downs. i need to adjust to that being life. hmmm. i never developed any life skills. starting now.

    i do so like my sponsor. i admire her too, which is nice. i strive to be like some of the people in AA who have done and still "do the work" and are clearly better people for it, all around.

    Angela. STRESS. i think a lot of people forget how stressful it is to start a new job! thank you for saying that. and i'm in a completely new field, with limited computer skills.

    i am working on breaking the day down into pieces. and i really like the pieces that find me in an AA meeting at night and in the bathtub before bed!

    hugs back to you!

  10. Isn't it amazing how a day can turn out completely different than expected? And no matter what, I bet you get a sense of comfort knowing there are so many people rooting for you!

  11. VLL: yes, things do change quickly. i have to remember that bad times can become fine times.

    i had a really stressful day and reached out to friends, my sponsor, my therapist. everyone was so supportive and giving (!). wow. it is so nice to know so many and such good people care about me.