i can't begin to tell you how much dread i felt about going to work today. this morning, i had a panic attack and almost fainted. i have trouble sleeping because i dread work and i have bad dreams about the job.
this morning, i could barely keep my eyes open driving to work. i really did almost fall asleep. it was truly creepy & dangerous. i didn’t sleep terrifically, but i got enough sleep, so that shouldn't have happened.
last friday, our director put it on my calendar to meet with her every day this week. i don't know why. i worry that they worry i'm not learning quickly enough. and I strongly fear that she's going to make me do a lot of outgoing sales, which i truly dread. truly.
how do i work things thru with this dread? every night, i get miserable about going to work the next day.
this is a very controlled job for a very free spirit. it's timed when you go to the bathroom. every time you get up you have to clock out. How long you’re on the phone is tracked.
what is the dread? In the old days, I never wanted to go to work either. Then I’d drink and binge and purge all night, maybe trying to make myself sick enough so I wouldn’t have to go to work. Then came drugs, and I really wasn’t capable of going to work. Life just fell apart.
Now, I’m not drinking or drugging or binging or purging or starving, so all the feelings are here. I’m not numbing or anesthetizing to “cope”. I’m living.
All the feelings are right here. I just stand and watch them invade and take over my body. It was terrifying this morning, when I nearly passed out and then could barely stand up. Who’s in charge of this body, anyway?
EPILOGUE: I got myself to work. I calmed myself minute by minute and things got better and easier. Work got a little more interesting, we had a good meeting and I really took and enjoyed my lunch hour.
I’m such a fearful person. Why couldn’t I convince myself that this day could possibly be fine?
Guess I need to learn to cope without Chardonnay, 3 pizzas and a quart of ice cream, nights flung over the toilet, Percoset…
I met with my sponsor yesterday for the first time. She is the loveliest person in so many ways. I picked well! She gave me homework and I’m working away. Going to a nice meeting tonight that she runs. And I have a good friend who goes to. Great way to end the day!
I was hungry for lunch. I haven’t felt true hunger in quite a while. Lunch was tasty and now I’m nursing a nice cup of coffee.
Dancing With the Stars is on tonight. And then I’m going to take a bath. Ahhh