Monday, October 11, 2010

Big Girl Pants

I was complaining to my sponsor that my life is so hectic all of the sudden, and i feel overwhelmed and have so much to do and there are so many issues... she looked at me and smiled and said,

"Sometimes you just have to pull on your Big Girl Pants and do what needs to be done."

Exactly. Here's the thing -- I've always avoided Big Girl Pants, figuratively and literally. I've dodged everything that sniffed of reality or hard work. And, of course, I've starved and prayed in search of a life in skinny jeans.

What do I have to show for it? Uh, stretch marks? Bills? (notice what i put first. my priorities need a little work.)

One of the reasons I picked my sponsor is that she looks like she knows how to put on Big Girl Pants. She's a hard-working single mom with a teenager and a nice little house and one hell of a hard time behind her. THIS is the kind of woman I want to be -- someone who knows how to take care of herself.

i'm always leaning on people -- family, friends, men. it's not that we don't all need help, but i always want people to do things FOR me not with me. i let people do stuff and pay no attention, so the next time, i have no idea what to do.

this may work for a 6 year old but a 46 year old, not so much. this barely works for most 16 years olds. how did i manage this long?

here i am, at 46, slowing beginning to step up to the plate. uh, yes, i have to work even if i'm not psyched about the job. yeah, i have to cook and clean and get my car serviced. i can't afford mani/pedis, massages, fancy make-up, frequent highlights and, of course, tasty red wine. i don't know where i got my sense of entitlement, but hello, it's been whopping. and financially devastating.

here i am, and i'm beginning the process. it's terrifying, yet it's my only chance. uh, to not end up in debtors prison. without medical care.

re; literal Big Girl Pants - the ones that don't look like tights and weren't meant for a pre-teen with a hyper metabolism. My sponsor puts on big girls pants -- she's healthy and toned and strong. She has no eating disorders and no particular issues with food. She's a great-size woman. You don't instantly wish to give her a sandwich. Anyway, she would get her own.

i hate big girls pants. i started out super-chubby and spent my whole life questing and dying for skinny jeans. it's going to be a very hard habit to change. will a smaller size ALWAYS seem better? i don't have an answer.

but grown-ups need grown-up pants. i'm beginning the process of becoming an adult. now, about those pants...

Here's to pulling on my Big Girl Pants and accepting that this is life.


  1. I;m trying to learn to put on my Big Girl Pants, too. Granted, I am 16, and my responsibilities are tremendously less than yours. I don't know much about real life, but I do know that it is going to be hard, but worth it in the end. The important thing is to put one foot in front of the other and handle things day by day, minute by minute. It takes a lot to be able to do the things that scare you, even if you possess the knowledge that eventually you will be a better person for it.

    I think it's truly remarkable that you're stepping up. This entire comment sounds really cheesy- and I'm sorry. But it's true. (:

  2. I haven't gotten the impression from you that you don't wear Big Girl Pants. Maybe you don't give yourself enough credit? Being overwhelmed and having a lot of issues doesn't mean you aren't a big girl. Having an ED doesn't mean you aren't a big girl. You have certainly been stepping up to the plate lately, and that makes you quite a Big Girl in my opinion.

    As for me, I never was a little girl. I was born wearing Big Girl pants. That sucks too.

  3. You know, I don't like the term "big girl pants." I automatically connect it to mean "fat pants," and like the rest of the world, that's exactly what I want to avoid.

    Maybe instead of wearing big girl pants, you should borrow my tiara. You'll look so pretty and it sounds much more elegant!

  4. I'm glad you are clicking with your sponsor and that you feel like she has some good things to offer you. She sounds like a cool woman :)

    Looking back, I have realized that when my life felt too hectic or overwhelming I would slip deeper into my eating disorder, using it as a way to escape the chaos, or as a crutch to get through it. As part of my recovery I too have to learn how to deal with life's obstacles without leaning on my eating disorder to keep me numb or to distract me from the issues that need to be dealt with. This can be so difficult at times because the ED thoughts become so loud during stressful periods.

    It's almost like we are re-learning how to walk, trying to balance on wobbly legs as we make our way through life. But I think with practice, our legs will become stronger, we will learn how to balance and we will eventually be able to walk steady on our paths.

    I'm glad things are going well :)


  5. I'm glad to hear that you are connecting with your sponsor. She sounds like a good role model. When I think of putting on big girl pants, it feels like needing to grow up. I often still feel like a little immature girl. It sounds like you are starting to grow up and gain a sense of self. You are so strong, and I'm so proud of you for all that you have overcome. Sending {{{HUGS}}}

  6. S.A. it is very hard for me to do these things that are difficult. on some levels, i do feel like i'm stepping up. p.s., i don't know how you handle everything in your life. it 9 pm on Friday and i'm falling asleep at the computer.

    Harriet; i'm sorry that you had to wear BGPs when you were way too little for them. i was always treated like such a baby. thank you for believing in me, but i have been VERY irresponsible. i can't tell you how much money i just went completely through. terrifying. now's as good a time as any to fix things. i'm so glad to have a friend like you.

    VLL; you have earned your tiara -- by supporting yourself and taking care of business and taking care of yourself and those around you. i spent my entire life thinking i deserved my tiara (was often nicknamed "princess") but i never did all the hard stuff we all need to do. don't worry, i'll wear my tiara for special occasions, but not all the time. yet.

    Nicole: exactly. learning how to deal with obstacles...very difficult. someone in AA talked about having panic and anxiety and serious cravings for alcohol, but then getting through it and being so glad to know that he can get through the tough times and panic attacks and cravings. p.s. i do think we have some real things in common. i was drawn to your blog.

    Angela; i am very much trying, at 46, to BEGIN to grow up. wow, i'm astounded by the life i lead. i've given up alcohol before, but i've never really been so, well, sober. i'm taking a hard look and, boy, is there a lot ahead. but it's good. and i'm glad i'm doing it.