i haven't posted since May 1!!! How can that be possible?
it's been a whirlwind. moved out from the fiance's, moved back into the fiance's. left my job on VERY bad terms with my family and am now here, sitting at the fiance's racking my brain's -- what am i trained to do? who will hire me.
my eating disorder tries to kick in, but i almost can't be bothered. i've actually gained ten pounds since i left my job three weeks ago. starving won't get my life on track. neither will drinking or klonopin.
i WAS starving and drinking a lot and taking pills i ordered online. i truly hope this doesn't trigger anyone. it was pretty awful -- i was so miserable in my life and my job. anxiety ruled.
so here i am -- anxious. i was sitting at my computer thinking -- what helps when i'm anxious? writing on the blog. writing on the blog. writing on the blog.
i was an open wound. everything scared me. if i even read of someone else's problems, i had my own panic attack. i am an open wound right now, but i'm coping better. jumping on my bicycle instead of receding into pinot grigio.
this IS a new beginning, as my eyes are open wide to past behaviors. what was i doing? what was i thinking. even i can't believe the risks i took.
so here i am. beginning to learn to take care of myself. wish i learned it A LOT earlier.