Thursday, August 5, 2010

Here I Am

i haven't posted since May 1!!! How can that be possible?

it's been a whirlwind. moved out from the fiance's, moved back into the fiance's. left my job on VERY bad terms with my family and am now here, sitting at the fiance's racking my brain's -- what am i trained to do? who will hire me.

my eating disorder tries to kick in, but i almost can't be bothered. i've actually gained ten pounds since i left my job three weeks ago. starving won't get my life on track. neither will drinking or klonopin.

i WAS starving and drinking a lot and taking pills i ordered online. i truly hope this doesn't trigger anyone. it was pretty awful -- i was so miserable in my life and my job. anxiety ruled.

so here i am -- anxious. i was sitting at my computer thinking -- what helps when i'm anxious? writing on the blog. writing on the blog. writing on the blog.

i was an open wound. everything scared me. if i even read of someone else's problems, i had my own panic attack. i am an open wound right now, but i'm coping better. jumping on my bicycle instead of receding into pinot grigio.

this IS a new beginning, as my eyes are open wide to past behaviors. what was i doing? what was i thinking. even i can't believe the risks i took.

so here i am. beginning to learn to take care of myself. wish i learned it A LOT earlier.


  1. It's normal to feel anxious with new beginnings. Try to trust that you will find yourself in a healthier, better situation. It was obvious that the job situation was bringing you so much stress, so I'm glad you found your way out. I'm sure the resulting relationship issues will resolve in time. Take care of yourself. That's all you can really do. Glad you're back :)

  2. It's so nice to see you back. You've certainly been through a lot of changes. Glad you are starting to take care of yourself! You can't go back in time, you just have to start where you are, right?

  3. kim; thank you. it's so nice to hear from you. yes, i guess stress is normal. this new beginning is a big one. i have a lot of work to do. lots of re-grouping. i slid back, but i see more clearly.

    harriet; nice to see you too. there have been many changes. a smidge overwhelming but i feel a little more like myself again. and it's been a while since i could say that!

    lisa; i missed you too. i've wondered about you and your family. i've read your blog but i don't think i commented. i feel like i was in hiding. good to be back.

  4. I'm SO glad you're back! It's been a busy time for you - I hope you're being kind to yourself; you've got a lot to process. Looking forward to reading more.

  5. lisa; yes, yes. lots to process. ohhhh. my mistakes astound me. all i can do is start from where i am, BUT there is a lot to learn from my past. now, i have to be willing to learn! thanks, lisa.