Saturday, May 1, 2010

age and my weight loss

again, i hope this doesn't trigger anyone. i have lost weight and need some support to get back to where i was. as i re-read what i've written, i fear it could be fairly triggering. i just need to tell someone.

i'm back from a trip to boston. boston was great -- we had time for tours and did tons of walking. i thought i ate a lot. regular lunches and good dinners, but when i got home, i'd lost another pound and a half.

i also drank a fair amount of red wine, which i'll get to later. that usually adds weight.

it's 88 degrees here. i put on one of my cute sleeveless dresses from last summer, and i looked awful. there is so much excess flabby skin around my upper arms. i looked like a very, very old woman. it scared me.

it looked so bad that i changed into a dress with some sleeves.

i got a massage the other day and the masseuse asked if i'd lost a lot of weight, as i had so much excess skin. (i wasn't really comfortable with her comments, but still...) i told her that i'd recently lost about ten pounds, and she said, "oh it seems like much, much more." OUCH.

it's different with age. when i was younger, my weight fluctuated huge amounts -- i'd gain 60, lose 70, gain 50, lose 40.... and my body was resilient. it sure isn't now.

i wonder if i've done permanent damage. i don't exercise -- maybe some weights would helps? if i gain back some weight, will it plump up my arms?

but i'm talking about exterior things here. what's going on inside? i have been really stressed and find i really don't have an appetite and then i guess i let that take over.

and it's sooo tempting -- this weight loss. even though i look icky-ish, somewhere, deep down in my brain and heart, i believe that skinny is best. it's sick!!!!!!

when i got back from my trip, i assumed i would have gained weight, because i really did eat and drink. but i knew i didn't want to have gained weight, even though i need to. when i saw the weight loss, i was....happy.

it's a distraction. the wine's a sedative.

i actually got my doctor to give me a few klonopin, because i was beside myself and i hoped that klonopin could make me feel better and help me relax enough to eat.

my doctor and my therapist made me promise and swear that i wouldn't drink. i promised and swore. and i drank.

i finished the klonopin. i didn't abuse it -- took it as directed. and it really helped.

now, i'm going to cut back the drinking from the three glasses of wine i've been having almost every day. and then i must get back on antabuse and stop drinking.

it's all so hard. but i have great hope. i won't give up. i just need to figure some things out -- ie, how to eat normally again.

thanks for listening. i've been feeling isolated.

15 comments:

  1. You are not isolated. Don't give up. E-mail me anytime you need to.

    (I feel I look old too after my recent relapse and subsequent weight loss. Anorexia is not beautiful, that's for sure. But we both can and will recover.)

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  2. angela; thank you. it means a lot to me that you are looking out for me. i really appreciate your comments. yes, anorexia is not beautiful. i hadn't realized just how aging it is until recently. there is hope and we can and will recover. thank you!

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  3. wish i had some good advice for you...I am currently trying to sort out my life without the benzos...and still fighting that damned eating disorder! I wish there was an easy answer....but I dont have one. I care though and will listen....keep writing and reaching out for support!
    XO Lisa

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  4. Your not a lone in this so please dont feel isolated. There are literately millions of other woman who have the same thought etc. I know it's sad but please dont feel alone.
    Dana xx

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  5. Not just the ladies either. The skin does seem to stop going back to normal after the 30's :(

    Think of it as experience rather than age. Weights can help. Also they can help with bone density and to keep you healthier.

    You need to start writting down what your eating. You might be just thinking you are eating enough and not really doing it.

    Good luck!

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  6. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. I wish I knew what tell you, except that you're definitely not alone. Good for you, though, because you aren't letting yourself slip. You see the warning signs, and that's a serious improvement! Yay!

    (:

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  7. i am isolated too and i definately understand about the wine. i drink about the same amount as you, to get away from myself and the hatered i feel towards me. Also to hide from life situations, although i know it won't change anything.
    Just wanted you to know, i feel it too...sad to say.
    Take care of yourself,
    tracy

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  8. I feel isolated, too. It feels almost violating for me to write a blog post, though I occasionally force it. I don't know what's wrong with me either. I recommend exercise, at least yoga if nothing else. Muscles make a huge difference. I've lucked out not to have loose skin, though I'm down 65 overall, but have lost it so slowly. The healthy way, as they say, the frustrating way. I don't have any advice or great understanding of alcoholism or anorexia, but I'm thinking of you, wishing you well.

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  9. lisa: thank you. it is completely invaluable to know you are out there, listening. i hate the eating disorder and the crazy voice in my head that tells me that thinner is always better. sound familiar?

    yes, the benzo thing is a tough one. my doctor gave me a few a week or so ago, and i did feel better. since i still drink, probably not the best idea for me

    dana; thank you for stopping by the blog. i just started reading yours, and it's great!

    thank you for your support. it's so important to know i'm not alone. sometimes i really feel that way. i don't have anyone in my life who has any of my assorted issues. i'm glad i can reach out!

    eating alone: yes, weights are a good idea. i'm sure my bone density isn't terrific after all the years i've disrespected my body SO.

    i seem to be eating better and have gained a few pounds back. i really wasn't eating terribly much. went thru some very hard, stressful weeks and didn't know what i was doing. i'm feeling a little better now. thank you!

    Shae Adele: i don't want to fall backwards completely. i just couldn't pull myself out for a few days and that really scared me. i couldn't sleep or eat but did manage to drink. oy! but i'm coming along. life's relaxed a little.

    you are a great blogger friend. so appreciated

    tracy; thank you for writing. there is strength in knowing we have each other. i was going to say "there's strength in our numbers", but that sounds kind of scale-oriented doesn't it?

    i'm just back from the world's longest business trip and haven't had time to catch-up with blogs. look forward to reading yours ASAP. thanks again.

    julie; great advice. i need to start moving my body, and i am so bad at that. when i was in boston, i walked and walked and walked, and it felt great. since then, i've been on airplanes and driving to appts, but things slow down soon. YIPPEE!!!

    i didn't have all this flabby skin until recently. hello, 46. yikes. you did lose yours slowly and you exercised all the way. good work!

    thank you for wishing me well. it means a lot.

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  11. you can make it through this!
    i think its amazing you have chosen to tell your story versus isolating and letting yourself fall deeper into this all-too-tempting cycle.

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  14. Hey girl... you ok? We miss you! Hope everything is improving for you. Peace to you.

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  15. I miss you and your blogs. I hope you're okay! hugs!

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