i've come up with a little plan. not having a plan was causing high anxiety and even some depression (i haven't been depressed in a long time, so that was very unsettling.)
i need time to get better. not too long ago, i was taken ill-gotten prescription drugs and i'm still drinking. while i was restricting with a mission for months, now mouth hunger steps up with a vengeance (and it does feel like vengeance.)
i'm looking into intensive outpatient programs for drugs/alcohol. i'm not taking pills now, but i do know i need to stop drinking. i'm okay with no pills, but i've definetely been using wine to numb the stress. it's not going to be easy, so treatment feels right. i exhibit so many addictive behaviors across the board -- spending, drinking, drugs, food and even relationships. like i said, treatment feels right.
it's suddenly apparent how ambivalent i've been about recovery. what if i don't have my addictions -- sitting with sadness? living on a budget? being sober in stressful, boring and well, all situations?
but life is getting on. i am NOT in my 20s or even my 30s. i'm unemployed and don't have real savings. so very much has changed in the last few month. i'm kind of overwhelmed, confused and sometimes lost.
instead of leaping back into stress, i'm thinking about looking for a part-time job and/or something really close to home and/or something very gentle if it's full-time. i need the time and space to do treatment and i need some money. i don't need to freak myself out.
in the mean time, when i'm eating out of mouth hunger, i make sure it's healthy stuff. if i'm feeling freaky, i head out for a walk or jump on the bike or just get myself out of the house. and i'm blogging.
so it's a little plan, but i remember it when i get too scared. this is just for now, and everything is okay right now.