My therapist suggested i find a therapist closer to home. She's in NYC, and i'm way out in new jersey. my commute is two hours each way and with my new work schedule, it's nearly impossible for us to find time to meet.
This is a hard one. She's great and caring and very smart and kind. She was my counselor in IOP when I gave up drugs and she's worked tirelessly on me and with me to end my drinking.
Kay knows all my history and everything that pains me. Can i start all over with someone new? Like many people, i've had some less than stellar therapists along the way. My psyche is fragile, and it's hard for to me trust and work with a lot of people.
Yet, it's true -- our schedules don't work. As much as I wish it were different, it's not. I've never much lived in reality -- instead wanting what i want, regardless of what is realistic. Through therapy and AA, i'm learning we must make choices, even if we don't love what we're picking from.
i never had much of a family and intensely dislike this time of year, when everyone seems so delighted to be with theirs. of course, holiday meals are difficult and stressful -- not so much with food these days, but the alcohol...
Kay is like the family remember i never had. she's wise and consistent and caring and solid. when in doubt i wonder, what would kay do? i certainly would never ask myself, what would my mother or father or brother have done?
it's a tough time, as things from my past, particularly with my mother, are coming up for me through my AA work and therapy. not fun, but it needs to be done. i'm learning that we have to go thru things to get to the other side. my old habit was burying, burying, burying and then using food and drugs and alcohol to shove it down and ignore it. but it doesn't melt away without work.
i begin to believe i CAN do the work. i'm not giving up. but i can't say i look forward to it.
as i've been a little blue lately, this seems a great time for a gratitude list. here goes;
I'M clean and sober and don't binge, purge or starve. HALLELUJAH.
I'M hanging in with the job and learning to deal with the hurdles and not giving up
DANCING with the stars is on tomorrow, and i'm going to vote my heart out. It's our right and for that i am very grateful
when in doubt, be thankful. may we all have much to be grateful for!