Thank you everyone for all your comments on my last post. your support gives me courage. i do have to remember that i can do this. and things do tend to work themselves out.
on a different front, i've started to feel a little differently about things and about myself. i'm more grounded, less dramatic, more realistic, less focused on my appearance, and i'm spending a lot less time in la la land.
for once, i find myself wanting mental excitement, not crazy thrills. it's...well,thrilling. at 46, can i begin to become the real woman i've tucked down deep inside? can i?
it's the happiest, most warming thought i've had in a while.
i don't know if i'm explaining this well. i don't really understand it myself. for right now, as i told my therapist, i'm poignantly happy.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
Job Fear
What is all this interest in food? why do i want to keep chucking stuff into my mouth?
i start my new job on monday. i haven't worked since July 17, and though i've been terrified about money, i have so enjoyed the freedom. i get lots of sleep and take morning walks and write and run all my errands, then head to iop. my boyfriend and i sit on the swing, lounge on the deck, drive to the beach and explore different neighborhoods.
before this bliss, i worked for my brother for four years. it was pretty darn easy work, and i had lots of flexibility. sure, the travel got old, and i didn't like the job itself, but i knew what i was doing.
monday, i start a job selling classified ads for a large newspaper in new jersey. i'll be sitting at a desk, on the phone all day, every day. and selling. i'd promised myself that i wouldn't take another sales job again, but that's my background and the best way for me to make an okay salary. i'm afraid of the whole sales thing. sometimes, even with all my experience, i still get scared. and my lack of computer knowledge -- eek.
but, i do LOVE newspapers and enjoy reading classified ads, so of all the jobs i saw, this one looked the best. the hours are 9:30 - 6 pm, which means i don't have to blast out of bed at some unholy hour, and that means a lot. and i keep telling myself, i can do this, i can do this, i can do this. my self-esteem has taken a lot of hits lately -- i need lots of cheerleading.
unfortunately, the job's about an hours drive each way, ugh, because i live in a pretty rural area, and there aren't too many jobs near me.
and how on earth am i going to get to iop for 3.5 hours, three nights a week. and see my therapist in new york. and get to a psychiatrist for meds? i haven't figured this part out at all. but i guess i will.
When will i find time for myself. now, i am blessed with such quality time to breathe. but everyone works and figures things out. i guess i will too.
i'm glad i wrote this, instead of reaching for the fridge door. this is what's been on my mind, but i've been so busy talking about alcohol and food and relationships, i haven't gotten to job fear. now, i have.
i start my new job on monday. i haven't worked since July 17, and though i've been terrified about money, i have so enjoyed the freedom. i get lots of sleep and take morning walks and write and run all my errands, then head to iop. my boyfriend and i sit on the swing, lounge on the deck, drive to the beach and explore different neighborhoods.
before this bliss, i worked for my brother for four years. it was pretty darn easy work, and i had lots of flexibility. sure, the travel got old, and i didn't like the job itself, but i knew what i was doing.
monday, i start a job selling classified ads for a large newspaper in new jersey. i'll be sitting at a desk, on the phone all day, every day. and selling. i'd promised myself that i wouldn't take another sales job again, but that's my background and the best way for me to make an okay salary. i'm afraid of the whole sales thing. sometimes, even with all my experience, i still get scared. and my lack of computer knowledge -- eek.
but, i do LOVE newspapers and enjoy reading classified ads, so of all the jobs i saw, this one looked the best. the hours are 9:30 - 6 pm, which means i don't have to blast out of bed at some unholy hour, and that means a lot. and i keep telling myself, i can do this, i can do this, i can do this. my self-esteem has taken a lot of hits lately -- i need lots of cheerleading.
unfortunately, the job's about an hours drive each way, ugh, because i live in a pretty rural area, and there aren't too many jobs near me.
and how on earth am i going to get to iop for 3.5 hours, three nights a week. and see my therapist in new york. and get to a psychiatrist for meds? i haven't figured this part out at all. but i guess i will.
When will i find time for myself. now, i am blessed with such quality time to breathe. but everyone works and figures things out. i guess i will too.
i'm glad i wrote this, instead of reaching for the fridge door. this is what's been on my mind, but i've been so busy talking about alcohol and food and relationships, i haven't gotten to job fear. now, i have.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
After the Eats
i just over-ate. at 4;30 pm. still have dinner to go. with my whole family.
oh, i am talking to myself -- be gentle, be gentle!
i am at my sister's, visiting her family. i love this family, but with all i've been going through, i guess i'm just not in the right place to visit.
there's so much on my plate -- sobriety with slips (yes), iop, getting a new job that's many steps below where i think i should be, financial issues, working things out with my boyfriend and trying to be real.
i sure don't know "real". i've lived in such a fantasy world -- so far from real. now everything needs to get real, and i have to make that happen
in iop, we talked about how good it is to be around each other, people who "get it". my sister's family is health and wealthy and normal. they know NOTHING of any kind of addiction. i feel isolated. separate. alone in my own private world.
it's too bad because usually i cherish being here and leave planning to move to pittsburgh. this time, i want to go home and eat healthy food with my boyfriend, on his deck. ahhhh.
so, i ate. i haven't used food like this in long time. it wasn't really a binge, binge, but i had a generous snack between lunch and dinner and was far from hungry. maybe 500 calories or so, which is thousands below the old days, but still i have a long night ahead, knowing i've actually eaten enough for the day.
we're having big family dinner in a couple of hours. hmmmm. and i'm not drinking, so i'll be staring at the food. and i need to help my sister prepare the feast. i hate cooking and being around food, especially when i've eaten too much already. scarey!
i'll make it. i don't get to see my family enough - i'm going to enjoy them. i'll be home soon enough (Monday night) and still have one week before work starts. there's lots of time to eat delicious and healthy food on the deck with my boyfriend.
my niece just asked if i want to go for a walk. perfect. EXACTLY what i need.
i got a very, very cute haircut today. i haven't told my boyfriend yet -- he likes it long. now, he'll know.
thanks for listening. i needed this.
oh, i am talking to myself -- be gentle, be gentle!
i am at my sister's, visiting her family. i love this family, but with all i've been going through, i guess i'm just not in the right place to visit.
there's so much on my plate -- sobriety with slips (yes), iop, getting a new job that's many steps below where i think i should be, financial issues, working things out with my boyfriend and trying to be real.
i sure don't know "real". i've lived in such a fantasy world -- so far from real. now everything needs to get real, and i have to make that happen
in iop, we talked about how good it is to be around each other, people who "get it". my sister's family is health and wealthy and normal. they know NOTHING of any kind of addiction. i feel isolated. separate. alone in my own private world.
it's too bad because usually i cherish being here and leave planning to move to pittsburgh. this time, i want to go home and eat healthy food with my boyfriend, on his deck. ahhhh.
so, i ate. i haven't used food like this in long time. it wasn't really a binge, binge, but i had a generous snack between lunch and dinner and was far from hungry. maybe 500 calories or so, which is thousands below the old days, but still i have a long night ahead, knowing i've actually eaten enough for the day.
we're having big family dinner in a couple of hours. hmmmm. and i'm not drinking, so i'll be staring at the food. and i need to help my sister prepare the feast. i hate cooking and being around food, especially when i've eaten too much already. scarey!
i'll make it. i don't get to see my family enough - i'm going to enjoy them. i'll be home soon enough (Monday night) and still have one week before work starts. there's lots of time to eat delicious and healthy food on the deck with my boyfriend.
my niece just asked if i want to go for a walk. perfect. EXACTLY what i need.
i got a very, very cute haircut today. i haven't told my boyfriend yet -- he likes it long. now, he'll know.
thanks for listening. i needed this.
Monday, August 23, 2010
a little better
i am feeling a little better today. yippeee. yahoo. glory be. i was starting to wonder if every day would feel like walking through really thick mud.
eating's a little better too. i'm not constantly thinking about food and the fridge -- what a relief.
i took a job today. it's "eh", but it pays a little more than some others, the location is great, the hours work perfectly with iop and i do really (i can't emphasize this enough) need money. so, we'll see. i start next week. i'm kind of nervous, because i have a ton to read before-hand and there will be a lot of sales, which i've never loved but always done, but i'm relieved to have a job and one that's near me and IOP.
so, this is one of those good moments where things seem doable, and the future looks just that much brighter. yahoo!!!!!!
eating's a little better too. i'm not constantly thinking about food and the fridge -- what a relief.
i took a job today. it's "eh", but it pays a little more than some others, the location is great, the hours work perfectly with iop and i do really (i can't emphasize this enough) need money. so, we'll see. i start next week. i'm kind of nervous, because i have a ton to read before-hand and there will be a lot of sales, which i've never loved but always done, but i'm relieved to have a job and one that's near me and IOP.
so, this is one of those good moments where things seem doable, and the future looks just that much brighter. yahoo!!!!!!
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Eating in Sobriety
is this going to feel better? am i ever going to stop eating? do i have to always anesthetize myself in some way?
when i took pills and drank, i didn't care so much about eating. i had no compulsivity around food, which was such a relief after a full life-time of obsession.
now that i'm not drinking, all i think about is sticking something edible into my mouth. for the first time in years, i'm forcing myself to STOP EATING. i'm watching some stranger go back to the refrigerator over and over and over. i didn't like her the rest of my life; i certainly don't want her here now.
sorry to be throwing myself a pity party over here. maybe i need a gratitude list right about now:
1. i have a place to stay that's comfortable and not too expensive
2. i have food, which many are not privileged enough to have
3. the weather is nice. i could be miserable and shoveling feet of snow off my car
4. i've gotten some job interviews, which is encouraging
5. i have some very good friends who don't live near me, but are always "there".
6. i have two good books. that's great!
it's nice to remember what i have versus what i can't have!
when i took pills and drank, i didn't care so much about eating. i had no compulsivity around food, which was such a relief after a full life-time of obsession.
now that i'm not drinking, all i think about is sticking something edible into my mouth. for the first time in years, i'm forcing myself to STOP EATING. i'm watching some stranger go back to the refrigerator over and over and over. i didn't like her the rest of my life; i certainly don't want her here now.
sorry to be throwing myself a pity party over here. maybe i need a gratitude list right about now:
1. i have a place to stay that's comfortable and not too expensive
2. i have food, which many are not privileged enough to have
3. the weather is nice. i could be miserable and shoveling feet of snow off my car
4. i've gotten some job interviews, which is encouraging
5. i have some very good friends who don't live near me, but are always "there".
6. i have two good books. that's great!
it's nice to remember what i have versus what i can't have!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
slogging thru
candy is the new Chardonnay. i can not stop eating, sucking, chewing.... it's no fun for eating disordered me to be consumed by food, as alcohol is not an option. Say it loud and proud -- "alcohol does not own me".
there's a big part of me that wishes it still did own me. i got a job offer today for a decent paying job that looked interesting, but i can't take it because it conflicts with IOP. i had two interviews today for two jobs which look pretty uninteresting, but they both could work with IOP. and they don't pay that well.
i had terrible cramps all day with a really bad hormonal attitude. in the old days, wine eased both the cramps and the crankies. today i had candy and lemonade. BUT i did not drink booze, and i will be sober tomorrow and clear-headed and a teeny bit proud.
am i doing this for me, or am i doing this so my therapist will be happy? does it matter right now -- i don't think so, as it is the best thing for my present and future.
i know myself, so i suggested i email my therapist every morning when i take antabuse. i'm not going to lie -- it would come out anyway. if i don't email her, she'll know i didn't take it, and that means one thing. countdown to cabernet.
for right now, i'm safe. going to take a bath and take my cramps and the crankies to bed.
'night.
there's a big part of me that wishes it still did own me. i got a job offer today for a decent paying job that looked interesting, but i can't take it because it conflicts with IOP. i had two interviews today for two jobs which look pretty uninteresting, but they both could work with IOP. and they don't pay that well.
i had terrible cramps all day with a really bad hormonal attitude. in the old days, wine eased both the cramps and the crankies. today i had candy and lemonade. BUT i did not drink booze, and i will be sober tomorrow and clear-headed and a teeny bit proud.
am i doing this for me, or am i doing this so my therapist will be happy? does it matter right now -- i don't think so, as it is the best thing for my present and future.
i know myself, so i suggested i email my therapist every morning when i take antabuse. i'm not going to lie -- it would come out anyway. if i don't email her, she'll know i didn't take it, and that means one thing. countdown to cabernet.
for right now, i'm safe. going to take a bath and take my cramps and the crankies to bed.
'night.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
SOBER: Day Two
decaf is the new Merlot. harrumph.
hey everyone, your messages and support are invaluable. thank you, thank you, thank you.
i woke up this morning, took my big dose of antabuse and went for a long walk. that felt great. my energy feels better today -- my mood is better, and I'm just so relieved i made it through the first night without alcohol.
it's these nights that are so difficult. it's 8:30 pm, i'm on the computer, i had a weird interview today and i'm worried about -- well, everything. bills come in and cash flies out. OUCH.
I would love some wine, but alcohol will not own me. and i'd have to face my therapist, who is so frustrated with me. and i'd have to face that i need inpatient treatment if i can't go JUST TWO days without alcohol.
it really hurts how frustrated my therapist is with me, but she has reason. i kept taking pills and drinking and really hurting and alienating people around me. still, this is hard. tough love can be -- tough. yet, it is her new approach that has kicked my newly enhanced behind.
exhale. i have to remember to breathe.
tonight's plan; make a healthy dinner, take a bath, read a new magazine (bliss) and read blogs.
wish me luck.
hey everyone, your messages and support are invaluable. thank you, thank you, thank you.
i woke up this morning, took my big dose of antabuse and went for a long walk. that felt great. my energy feels better today -- my mood is better, and I'm just so relieved i made it through the first night without alcohol.
it's these nights that are so difficult. it's 8:30 pm, i'm on the computer, i had a weird interview today and i'm worried about -- well, everything. bills come in and cash flies out. OUCH.
I would love some wine, but alcohol will not own me. and i'd have to face my therapist, who is so frustrated with me. and i'd have to face that i need inpatient treatment if i can't go JUST TWO days without alcohol.
it really hurts how frustrated my therapist is with me, but she has reason. i kept taking pills and drinking and really hurting and alienating people around me. still, this is hard. tough love can be -- tough. yet, it is her new approach that has kicked my newly enhanced behind.
exhale. i have to remember to breathe.
tonight's plan; make a healthy dinner, take a bath, read a new magazine (bliss) and read blogs.
wish me luck.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)