After the Eats

i just over-ate. at 4;30 pm. still have dinner to go. with my whole family.

oh, i am talking to myself -- be gentle, be gentle!

i am at my sister's, visiting her family. i love this family, but with all i've been going through, i guess i'm just not in the right place to visit.

there's so much on my plate -- sobriety with slips (yes), iop, getting a new job that's many steps below where i think i should be, financial issues, working things out with my boyfriend and trying to be real.

i sure don't know "real". i've lived in such a fantasy world -- so far from real. now everything needs to get real, and i have to make that happen

in iop, we talked about how good it is to be around each other, people who "get it". my sister's family is health and wealthy and normal. they know NOTHING of any kind of addiction. i feel isolated. separate. alone in my own private world.

it's too bad because usually i cherish being here and leave planning to move to pittsburgh. this time, i want to go home and eat healthy food with my boyfriend, on his deck. ahhhh.

so, i ate. i haven't used food like this in long time. it wasn't really a binge, binge, but i had a generous snack between lunch and dinner and was far from hungry. maybe 500 calories or so, which is thousands below the old days, but still i have a long night ahead, knowing i've actually eaten enough for the day.

we're having big family dinner in a couple of hours. hmmmm. and i'm not drinking, so i'll be staring at the food. and i need to help my sister prepare the feast. i hate cooking and being around food, especially when i've eaten too much already. scarey!

i'll make it. i don't get to see my family enough - i'm going to enjoy them. i'll be home soon enough (Monday night) and still have one week before work starts. there's lots of time to eat delicious and healthy food on the deck with my boyfriend.

my niece just asked if i want to go for a walk. perfect. EXACTLY what i need.

i got a very, very cute haircut today. i haven't told my boyfriend yet -- he likes it long. now, he'll know.

thanks for listening. i needed this.

a little better

i am feeling a little better today. yippeee. yahoo. glory be. i was starting to wonder if every day would feel like walking through really thick mud.

eating's a little better too. i'm not constantly thinking about food and the fridge -- what a relief.

i took a job today. it's "eh", but it pays a little more than some others, the location is great, the hours work perfectly with iop and i do really (i can't emphasize this enough) need money. so, we'll see. i start next week. i'm kind of nervous, because i have a ton to read before-hand and there will be a lot of sales, which i've never loved but always done, but i'm relieved to have a job and one that's near me and IOP.

so, this is one of those good moments where things seem doable, and the future looks just that much brighter. yahoo!!!!!!

Eating in Sobriety

is this going to feel better? am i ever going to stop eating? do i have to always anesthetize myself in some way?

when i took pills and drank, i didn't care so much about eating. i had no compulsivity around food, which was such a relief after a full life-time of obsession.

now that i'm not drinking, all i think about is sticking something edible into my mouth. for the first time in years, i'm forcing myself to STOP EATING. i'm watching some stranger go back to the refrigerator over and over and over. i didn't like her the rest of my life; i certainly don't want her here now.

sorry to be throwing myself a pity party over here. maybe i need a gratitude list right about now:

1. i have a place to stay that's comfortable and not too expensive
2. i have food, which many are not privileged enough to have
3. the weather is nice. i could be miserable and shoveling feet of snow off my car
4. i've gotten some job interviews, which is encouraging
5. i have some very good friends who don't live near me, but are always "there".
6. i have two good books. that's great!

it's nice to remember what i have versus what i can't have!

slogging thru

candy is the new Chardonnay. i can not stop eating, sucking, chewing.... it's no fun for eating disordered me to be consumed by food, as alcohol is not an option. Say it loud and proud -- "alcohol does not own me".

there's a big part of me that wishes it still did own me. i got a job offer today for a decent paying job that looked interesting, but i can't take it because it conflicts with IOP. i had two interviews today for two jobs which look pretty uninteresting, but they both could work with IOP. and they don't pay that well.

i had terrible cramps all day with a really bad hormonal attitude. in the old days, wine eased both the cramps and the crankies. today i had candy and lemonade. BUT i did not drink booze, and i will be sober tomorrow and clear-headed and a teeny bit proud.

am i doing this for me, or am i doing this so my therapist will be happy? does it matter right now -- i don't think so, as it is the best thing for my present and future.

i know myself, so i suggested i email my therapist every morning when i take antabuse. i'm not going to lie -- it would come out anyway. if i don't email her, she'll know i didn't take it, and that means one thing. countdown to cabernet.

for right now, i'm safe. going to take a bath and take my cramps and the crankies to bed.

'night.

SOBER: Day Two

decaf is the new Merlot. harrumph.

hey everyone, your messages and support are invaluable. thank you, thank you, thank you.

i woke up this morning, took my big dose of antabuse and went for a long walk. that felt great. my energy feels better today -- my mood is better, and I'm just so relieved i made it through the first night without alcohol.

it's these nights that are so difficult. it's 8:30 pm, i'm on the computer, i had a weird interview today and i'm worried about -- well, everything. bills come in and cash flies out. OUCH.

I would love some wine, but alcohol will not own me. and i'd have to face my therapist, who is so frustrated with me. and i'd have to face that i need inpatient treatment if i can't go JUST TWO days without alcohol.

it really hurts how frustrated my therapist is with me, but she has reason. i kept taking pills and drinking and really hurting and alienating people around me. still, this is hard. tough love can be -- tough. yet, it is her new approach that has kicked my newly enhanced behind.

exhale. i have to remember to breathe.

tonight's plan; make a healthy dinner, take a bath, read a new magazine (bliss) and read blogs.

wish me luck.

SOBER; Day One

i really want a drink, but if i can't go ONE day without drinking, i really need to be inpatient, and i don't want to go inpatient.

i hate this. i want a glass of wine, but i took a strong dose of antabuse and will get sick if i drink.

why am i doing this, this sober thing? because i am an addict and can not drink moderately. because i want to see who i am without alcohol. because i need to bring my life back into control and make honorable choices.

it wasn't so hard in the past. today is really hard. i'm going to keep writing, because i don't know what else to do.

now i'm going for a bike ride, because i need to get out of the house. more later.

thanks for listening.

Mental Health Question

As i'm looking for jobs, i'm having a hard time finding something that works around the IOP schedule. i know i need IOP, but i also really need money. i don't have any family to lean on, so food and shelter are completely my responsibility. still, I know i need IOP.

Surprisingly in this economy, i've some interviews and pretty quickly. i'm looking for fairly low-level, less stressful jobs, so i can focus on recovery. initially, i planned to try something part-time for a while, but then i worry about money and finances. as it is, the jobs i'm looking at are low-paying, but i could squeeze by.

for those of you who've done an intensive program, is there psychic space left to also work full-time?

i wonder if i can get well working full-time and just going to lots of AA meetings, but my gut tells me i need some serious intense work. i make such bad life decisions, over and over and over and over...

i'm still drinking, which is really bad. i need to feel the integrity of sobriety. i'm leaning on liquor to block out all the many, many issues and i'm eating pretty compulsively. on my own, i just don't take care of myself.

I'M SCARED. yes, i need a lot of help. but how do i swing it?