i think this post will be controversial and perhaps some will be angry with me, but i figured i'd still put this out there.
someone said that their first impression of anorexics was that we are self-absorbed and unappreciative. now, however, that person says she knows differently.
i, however, think that our eating disorders do, in fact, lead us to self-absorbed and unappreciative behaviors. we are not to blame -- we are very, very sick and struggling, BUT i do think we can be quite narcissistic, as well as unappreciative of all that others do for us and all they withstand.
it's less now, but certainly in the past, my eating took over every meal. what did Melissa want, what would i eat, what would i NEVER eat? what time was it comfortable for me to eat? what could be kept in the refrigerator? what must never be in the refrigerator? what holidays could i tolerate? at which holidays (thanksgiving, christmas) would i never appear.
everyone's world revolved around me. was i eating? was i sneaking off to the bathroom every time i ate? was i being honest about my intake?
special arrangements always had to be made for me, and if they weren't -- oh the wrath i'd unleash. and there was absolutely no way to please me.
during all the years i was starving, i was mean and miserable. but i felt entitled to my fury and moods. when i think of what my friends and family dealt with, yikes. and particularly my mother. how would i have dealt with me?
and unappreciative. did i ever say "thank you" for all the special arrangements? i honestly don't think so. i was more angry that they were putting fattening food on the table. why couldn't everything be steamed or poached? why did we have to have meals at all? what about ME?
perhaps i'm being harsh. and i suppose that knowing this wouldn't have helped me much -- i was desperately, miserably sick.
but i wonder, what if i had said "thank you"? what if i had been kinder and gentler, and more aware of my parents' struggle -- NOT in a self-hating, guilty way, though. self-hate is once again just self-absorbed. and guilt is useless. what if i had just been nicer? and less resentful?
who knows? who knows if it were even possible, what with how unhappy and confused and desperate and sick i was.
very importantly, i don't think we need to feel badly about ourselves for our actions and behaviors -- we are dealing with very, very difficult issues, afterall. i just think it's interesting to notice and perhaps, if possible, make some adjustments. if it's not possible to do things any differently, perhaps, it is at least, good to notice.
i'm just wondering what you think. i would love any and all feedback from you guys. what DO you think?