Monday, November 1, 2010

A Happy Crappy Day

Today was a crappy day. Work was really slow and boring, and i had to make a lot of cold calls. I'm short on money. I gained a few pounds. i have a stomach ache.

But i'm happy. i'm smiling. my friend at work said i look like i'm glowing.

well, i'm rested. i had such a wonderful, perfect weekend. i have great support.

i think i'm changing. i just feel better. more than sobriety, i think it's all the AA work.

i go to a meeting every night. i'm learning about honesty and not judging and not being defensive. people share openly and everything's so real. women come up to me after the meeting to chat. it's such a great community.

and i've surrendered. i realize i've always wanted to control everything. no one could tell me what to eat or that i needed to eat or gain weight. in fact, no one could ask me what i ate without being met with a stone cold deadly silent stare. and that could include my therapist, a psychiatrist, a nutritionist. please, i knew best.

of course, i knew best about my drinking and appreciation of prescription drugs too. other people needed AA. i was fine. i was in control and no one was going to control my choices.

but you know what, i don't know best. i don't know anything. my decisions are suspect. now, i just listen to the "old" timers in AA and that's how i know what i need to do. and i do it. and it works. it's worked for millions of people. why am i so special? why do i know better than the serene guy with 32 years of sobriety or the lovely woman with 23?

it's very different with food, of course. i can't stop eating. i have to figure out how to moderate food. and that's the exact opposite of alcohol. we have to learn that WE can not be moderate drinkers -- it's impossible. still, although it may seem nearly impossible to learn to eat moderately, we can. but it is harder.

well, that's all i've got. i'm happier. i'm calmer. like everything else, it's all new. i'm working on staying in this moment and enjoying this moment.



  1. There is a lot to be said for happy and calm, even on a bad day at work. Especially on a bad day at work!

    Yes food is hard to regulate, in a different way than addictive substances. I was able to quit smoking a lot more easily than losing weight. No moderation with smoking - it's all or nothing.

  2. I just had the food moderation conversation with my best friend. Some days it's really hard to reign in that compulsion. I still haven't figured it out... but I'm not giving up on hopefully finding some sort of balance soon.

  3. Yeah it is tough, you have to eat. Every day! But finding that balance is tough.

    Keep on fighting.

  4. Major kudos for the mental progress you're making regarding sobriety, made me really happy to read!

    It's so hard to manage 2 or more issues at once, hang in there with the eating. Once your body gets the idea that you're going to feed it consistently and that it doesn't have to be in panic mode, your appetite will re-regulate. The only way out is through...keep swimming, you're doing an awesome job!

  5. there IS a lot to be said for happy and calm. today was a little less so. i'm going to take a bath and meditate through the bubbles.

    food is hard.

    Gina D. thank you so much for writing. i do absolutely believe that moderation is possible. it's hard and ongoing work.

    certainly it can get much, much better. i don't binge, i don't starve but don't completely know hungry or full. and i do eat when i'm not hungry, but i think a lot of "normal" people too. progress, not perfection

    Eating Alone: thanks for all your comments. you really have good natural instincts. if only we could easily listen to all the good stuff we wish for others. i'm hanging in there with all my addictions. and being gentler when i'm not "perfect." take care.

    cammy; i LOVE "the only way out is through." i used to hear it and cringe. ooo, who wanted to go thru it? i really ignored, denied and shoved under the covers any realization that i had to go thru it. but i'm starting to do it. and yes, it is the only way