Today was a crappy day. Work was really slow and boring, and i had to make a lot of cold calls. I'm short on money. I gained a few pounds. i have a stomach ache.
But i'm happy. i'm smiling. my friend at work said i look like i'm glowing.
well, i'm rested. i had such a wonderful, perfect weekend. i have great support.
i think i'm changing. i just feel better. more than sobriety, i think it's all the AA work.
i go to a meeting every night. i'm learning about honesty and not judging and not being defensive. people share openly and everything's so real. women come up to me after the meeting to chat. it's such a great community.
and i've surrendered. i realize i've always wanted to control everything. no one could tell me what to eat or that i needed to eat or gain weight. in fact, no one could ask me what i ate without being met with a stone cold deadly silent stare. and that could include my therapist, a psychiatrist, a nutritionist. please, i knew best.
of course, i knew best about my drinking and appreciation of prescription drugs too. other people needed AA. i was fine. i was in control and no one was going to control my choices.
but you know what, i don't know best. i don't know anything. my decisions are suspect. now, i just listen to the "old" timers in AA and that's how i know what i need to do. and i do it. and it works. it's worked for millions of people. why am i so special? why do i know better than the serene guy with 32 years of sobriety or the lovely woman with 23?
it's very different with food, of course. i can't stop eating. i have to figure out how to moderate food. and that's the exact opposite of alcohol. we have to learn that WE can not be moderate drinkers -- it's impossible. still, although it may seem nearly impossible to learn to eat moderately, we can. but it is harder.
well, that's all i've got. i'm happier. i'm calmer. like everything else, it's all new. i'm working on staying in this moment and enjoying this moment.