I've written about this topic recently, still it's continually on my mind. With my substance addictions, surrender is simple. i admit that i'm powerless over drugs and alcohol and i cannot manage my life. i can not control my life. instead, i turn my life over and do what i am told by others who know better. go to lots meetings, get a sponsor, work the 12 steps with my sponsor, read the (AA) Big Book and good things will happen.
in my seven short weeks in sobriety and attending AA, things have gotten better -- amazingly better. i have seen real, serious change in myself and have moments of clarity and happiness i didn't know before.
i can't really tell you how this happened, but there's been more growth in the last seven weeks than in.... i really can't tell you -- a long, long time.
okay, then i think of my eating disorder and eating disorders in general. can we surrender? it seems so much more difficult. To me, eating disorders seem so much about control == control of our food, our bodies, in fact, our very lives.
besides, how can we surrender when we also must eat. i've gone to OA only a few times because it didn't make much sense to me -- how can we abstain -- from certain foods and certain behaviors. we have to live. and people, places and things -- do we stay away from anyone who eats? i probably need to find out more about OA before making judgments or any comments at all.
More, i have a major issue with people telling me what and how to eat. any stranger off the street can tell me to stop drinking forever, and i'm nodding along. but if a doctor suggests that it's best for me to eat breakfast, "TAKE THAT BACK OR I'M NOT COMING HERE ANYMORE. YOU DON'T KNOW MY BODY. I'M NOT HUNGRY IN THE MORNING. ARE YOU SUGGESTING I EAT WHEN I'M NOT HUNGRY. ISN'T THE POINT OF THIS TO LEARN TO EAT WHEN I'M HUNGRY AND STOP WHEN I'M FULL? WHY ARE YOU SABOTAGING ME WITH THIS CRUEL AND DISGUSTING CALL FOR BREAKFAST? I KNOW BETTER THAN YOU, MRS. NUTRITIONIST, WHAT'S BEST FOR ME. MY BODY IS DIFFERENT THAN EVERYONE ELSE'S. GO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO'S METABOLISM ACTUALLY WORKS."
Okay, so i don't quite say this to people, but i do think it. after all these years of recovery. i confess i think i do know best. yikes! that's terrifying information.
by the way, my eating's okay. i do eat some kind of snack in the morning and lunch and dinner and treats. i maintain a healthy weight -- in the realm of those weight charts.
but my thinkingis still screwy. i started working on my ED at 17, years into my issues. nearly 30 years later, i still have the inner voice that tells me i know best. with drugs and alcohol, there's a much shorter period of issues, but i'm so clear that i can not drink and i absolutely do not know best.
why is this one so much harder? what can be done to help us allow others (and God, if we so believe) to help us? how do i/we let go of control?