Thursday, July 30, 2009

my weight -- continued

i'm blown away by how addicted i am to the scale. it reminds me of when i gave up alcohol -- as much as i wanted that drink, i want to know that number. i REALLY didn't realize how hard this was going to be.

yes, i got on the scale today. twice. on my boyfriend's scale, i've lost two pounds. on my brother's, i've lost one. when i saw the two pound drop, i rejoiced. at my brother's, i had to convince myself that life would be okay.

this is not the way the rational part of me wants to live. SO,

TOMORROW I WILL NOT WEIGH MYSELF. it really is like alcoholism -- i have to take it one day at a time. do they have a Scales Anonymous?

of course, the big fear is all the weight i will gain if i'm not monitoring myself. i'm pretty convinced, i'll gain some. i long to eat more than i do.

unfortunately, i don't feel like i have the patience for mindful eating. i don't want to think about eating. i wonder why i'm so resistant. why does it scare me?

with all of this recent awareness that i'm feeling like a lunatic about my weight, i've been thinking more about food. perhaps my old compulsive eating tendencies are talking. perhaps, it's because i've let down some of my walls and my inner eater feels freer to express her desires.

when i talked to my therapist, i asked, what will i be if i'm not defined by watching my weight. she asked me what i liked about myself besides the fact that i've managed to maintain a decent weight? ...........Silence. but then i did think about a few things, and she suggested i repeat those things to myself when i start to worry about numbers, numbers, numbers.

i write all this and wonder if you, the reader, will think i'm having a meltdown. but i'm not -- this is the way i always think, but i just thought it was normal. i'm starting to seriously question it now -- it seems like progress.

well, enough of my meandering. wish me luck for tomorrow. i'll let you know. hope to make myself proud!


  1. Good luck tomorrow! In reality, weight is very arbitrary. Never (or at least very rarely) does anyone ever flat-out ask me what my weight is. But I obsess over it all the same. It would be nice to live in a world where health was measured in how well one is functioning rather than a number on a piece of metal.

  2. I think your therapist has it right -- when you can latch onto a sense of self outside of weight, the number will lose most of its meaning (if not all of its meaning). You ask why it's so hard to eat mindfully... Well, given our history of body and food struggles, the better question is, "How the hell do people eat mindfully?" I guess what I'm saying is don't be too hard on yourself. It's hard because it's not familiar and establishing new, uncomfortable habits takes a long freaking time. You'll get there. Man, I hate that phrase -- you'll get there -- but it's pretty true. Or, at least, that's what I'm counting on ;)

  3. I too had to come to grips with who I was without that number, dieting and binging to define who I am. It took A LOT of personal therapy, group therapy, an RD, many tears, heartache, binging, blogging, crying, writing, yoga, art but now, I know who I am and who I want to be. I still struggle eating mindfully all of the time but now, I am fully aware that focusing on the number, the latest diet, calories, binging, obsessive exercise, etc are all tactics of avoiding my feelings. If I am busy focusing on those things, I don't have time or energy to focus of the real me and my real problems. Getting to the root of the problem takes dedication, hard work and focus and in reality, the work of it is even harder than living with disordered eating. But in the end, there is peace and happiness. Sure, life is still hard but at least it's living it instead of avoiding it.

  4. Good luck tomorrow! I know you can do it. Maybe if you do it, I can too. Please report back on your blog and let us know how it goes.

  5. Scale Free Day. Once you let the odd day happen in it will get easier. Just fill your life with more useful things. Books, walks, bike rides, morning newspaper and your boyfriend. I sense, from your thoughtful and questioning posts, there is loads more to you than a number. Good luck!

  6. I don't think it sounds like you are having a meltdown at all, I think you are just really trying to get a handle on this thing, and stop the self destructive behaviors that make you unhappy, once and for all. That's good and healthy.

    I'm sure if you sit and think about it when you AREN'T under any pressure, you will find lots of things that better define you than those infernal numbers.

    Because we can see lots of things, and we haven't even met you.

    Your compassion, for one... You are a wonderful friend.

    Start with that. ;)

  7. tina; you're right, especially as we know that we can be a "fine" weight but very unhealthy, ie., when i was bulimic. and i know heavier people who exercise and eat good food and have great health. why can't health be measured by -- health?

    kim; i do believe we'll get there. i'm always hopeful. it is a lot of work though. it's time for me to do new work. i'm mustering the energy.

    christie; you make great points. there's a lot i'd rather not look at or don't know how to look at yet. and my belief systems are hard to shift. but i want to do the work. it's hard living thru a scale!

    Harriet: your comments inspire me. Would you consider making one day this week scale-free? i think i'd have an easier time with a buddy. let me know.

    linda: thank you. i wrote my next blog before reading comments. one scale-free day seems like a good start. i sure hope there's more to me!!!! i think a part of me's afraid there isn't.

    karen; thank you. when my therapist pressed me to name some good qualities, i did say that i'm empathetic -- i've sure gone thru enough to understand what others feel. and i try not to judge. we are all so very human. your support always helps me. you are a great friend.