Wednesday, July 29, 2009

me and my weight

today was the day i wasn't going to weigh myself. i had the whole thing planned -- deprogramming the scale. well, deprogramming me and getting off the scale.

what a miserable, out-of-sorts girl i was yesterday. why -- i've gained four pounds. yup, it ruined my day. i couldn't sit still. nothing felt good. i missed out on the sun, my good book, seeing friends.

it's been years, and i've worked on myself with care, but i still define myself by a number. it's crazy, destructive, a waste of time. if i weigh 127 or 128 it's a good day. 129 is an okay day. over that -- i fidget. it's great that i'm happy at 127, versus the 98 i used to love (a really low number for me. i look really skinny at 120)

what do all these numbers mean? 98, 120, 131? is the scale always accurate? why does it matter?

still, i actually thought i looked different with four more pounds. when i went into new york yesterday, i spent half an hour in front of the disgusting public bathroom mirror in the bus station trying to quantify the changes.

i hate living this way. it's too hard. i need to get off the scale AND allow myself to find a comfortable weight for my body and begin to accept who i am.

my first step - i told my boyfriend that i feared he wouldn't want me if i gain weight. he put his arms around me and said, i love YOU. i reminded him that i weighed ten pounds more when he met me -- would he be okay if i weighed that again? he said he couldn't tell that i'd weighed ten pounds more -- was i sure? (it was about 15 pounds more.) God bless him.

as ridiculous as this all sounds, the conversation helped a lot.

i'm being pretty honest here -- this isn't stuff i usually discuss, because i know it sounds certifiable.

i long to accept a heavier body -- it would make my life a lot easier. i look at happy woman who carry more weight than i and seem really comfortable.

this is a very old dream. i've always looked at plus-sized models and felt my body belonged there. i wrote about going to Lane Bryant and feeling more at home.

who knows. step 2. let me have a scale free day. maybe tomorrow.


  1. I hope you get that scale free day soon. It must be some sort of OCD behaviors that have taken over. I swear, most addictions stem from those neurons firing off wrong in our brains, and making us compulsive about certain things that make us anxious.

    I'm sorry, girl. I hope you find your peace soon. You are such an amazing person, with or without your scale. Chin up!

  2. I feel you on the scale, I hate it too. I got rid of mine and I don't weigh myself anymore. I feel like a new woman after doing that. It is possible to overcome this.

    Also, I responded to your questions on my post yesterday just now.

  3. I think it's great that you reached out to your boyfriend. I find that men are wonderfully oblivious to weight. THey pretty much only notice fluctuations of about 30 pounds up or down ;)
    It is hard to be defined by a number. I felt that way a long time...I don't know where we get this idea that there's a "right" number. I mean, we don't think there's a "right" height, do we? We accept our height, and I feel like we should do the same for weight. If your life has been good lately, who the heck cares what you weigh? I know it's not that simple, but these are things I ask myself pretty often ;)

  4. I so know how you feel. I weigh myself too too often, it's so unhealthy. And my mood depends on the number on the scale. But husband is the same way - when I was close to 40 pounds heavier he never mentioned anything. As I've been losing weight he makes comments about how "skinny" I am (I'm not), but he is very supportive. He says I'm fat in my head.

    I seriously don't know how women throw away their scales and never weigh themselves.

  5. karen: you know -- you're right. i realized that i had run out of one of meds and forget to get the prescription refilled. then it was sunday and i couldn't reach the doctor. net, net, i went two days w/out it, and the doctor said that could have played a big role in my anxiety/antsiness. i feel much more peaceful now.

    christie; i want to get rid of the scale -- on some levels. i think i'm still ambivalent. how did you deal with the fear of gaining tons of weight? thanks for your comments on your blog. so very helpful

    kim;thank you, thank you -- i love that -- if things have been good, what does it matter what i weigh? i'm going to really think about that.

    my boyfriend really steps up to the plate, especially when i'm honest and clear.

    harriet; i don't know how either, but apparently they do. so much of me wants to join them.

    glad you have a supportive husband. my boyfriend is great -- i wish i could really HEAR what he says

  6. You know, you will get their soon. Honestly I used to weigh and weigh all the time. I do still weigh in a few times a week, but really, I am over it especially because exercise just puts on weight with muscle and I freak. Now I look at my shape - if it looks fine I am fine.