Monday, March 23, 2009

i Just Don't Know

i haven't written in a while, because i just don't know i feel about anything at the moment. i'm sitting in a big pool of ambivalence. swimming around, a little breathlessly (that would be anxiety).

i certainly don't know what's going with my addictions. the last couple of weeks i've been drinking and eating and wondering if maybe a sleeping pill could be a good idea.

re: the drinking. i have been drinking red wine every night -- two or three glasses. probably more on the weekends. my plan is to give it up starting tomorrow. i'll take antabuse at my therapists tomorrow.

but i don't how i feel about it. i've thoroughly enjoyed my drinking nights. i've gone out for dinner and gotten a little tipsy with the boyfriend. it was fun. i haven't had much fun lately. i don't feel so restricted. i don't feel like "poor me. everyone gets to drink but me. it sucks."

still, drinking gets out of hand. when i started again, the plan was to drink only on the weekends. that lasted -- not even a day. if i can't stick to that plan, i have a problem, and i need not to drink.

still, i'll be traveling with my brother for three weeks, and we go out for all those fancy meals i hate, and i'll be dying for wine. oooo, that doesn't sound good -- "dying for wine".

my head knows i can't drink, at least right now. my heart hates sobriety. ambivalence.

on to the eating. the alcohol flows, and...i eat with abandon, and i'm loving it. except, i've gained six pounds. i weigh more than i've weighed in a year, and i hate it. do i want to cut back, so i can get down to a more comfortable weight? my suits are going to be pinchingly tight on my trip if i don't.

if i'm not drinking, the weight should slide down a bit. three glasses of wine, or more, have lots of calories. and i when boozing, i relax and let myself eat quite heartily.

i have no idea how i want to handle this. quite ambivalent.

drugs. this is a hard one, because i really don't need a sedative or a sleeping pill, other than the trazedone my psychiatrist happily prescribes. but i want the ambien or the lunesta, so i'm GUARANTEED sleep. i really want them, BUT they make me feel cruddy the day after. ambien makes me crazy and cranky and low energy. lunesta's a little better, BUT it leaves an unbelievably hideous taste in my mouth.

what to do?

do i want to switch psychiatrists? this one makes me feel terrible about myself when i slip, BUT she is so smart and firmly believes that i must and i CAN leave a clean and sober life. but.

i'm not making any decisions, as i'm so unsure. but decisions make themselves and many of them aren't great.

some clarity would be very nice right about now.


  1. I think switching psychiatrists might be a bad idea.

    Is she really making you feel terrible about yourself? Is she abusive? Or is she just tough on you when you slip?

    You really don't want some wimpy shrink who will write bad scrips for you, and tell you what you want to hear, do you? You WANT someone who is strong, and CARES about your well being.

    Your choices are yours, and yours alone. I suspect you already know the answers, but the addictions are leading your head around by the nose right now.

    I know those justifications very well.

    Be well, sweetheart. We're all pulling for you.

  2. I would stick with your psychiatrist, if I were you. Sometimes, I know someone is doing their job right if they make me feel bad when I "mess up." It will be good to have accountability. Plus, who needs more change when you already have a lot on your plate (sorry, I hate how that pun creeps in)? I think it's ok to sit with ambivalence for a while. You know your thinking about alcohol isn't healthy... I realized the exact thinking in my now-husband about 9 months ago (he's 6 months without booze and seems to be adjusting to life without it, getting excited without it...slowly). I think you know best about drugs...and food... too. You know yourself really well. We probably all do, but it's hard to make the right decisions. I'd just let yourself be ambivalent, have a little chat with the angel and devil on each of your shoulders, and think about what you REALLY want for your life. I don't think we ever make the right decisions ALL the time, but you'll come up with a right path, I think... That's my more-than-2 cents ;)

  3. Maybe you don't need to play the Either Or game. I mean, medical patients get second opinions. Why can't patients seeking psychological treatment get second opinions?
    I'm concerned for you. Ambivalence and apathy scare me more than full-blown freakouts, somehow. But maybe that's just me... I'm sure as heck in no place to give advice about the eating, drinking, and pill-love. All I can say is that I'm in your e-corner and am pulling for you. Hey have you thought about going back through your blog and reading some entries from when you were feeling more empowered?
    Much love and light and peace to you, sister.

  4. karen; i love that -- my addictions ARE leading me around by the nose. i'm not taking sleeping pills, i just WANT them. i've stopped drinking -- the short plan is for three weeks while i'm traveling with my brother. i think i can deal with a shorter plan.

    re: the psychiatrist. she can't understand why i still struggle after all the therapy i've had. it makes me feel horrible. i leave there and sob. my therapist wants me to see someone she works with frequently and respects. and he's an addiction specialist.

    we'll see. i don't have time for much right now. i know sleeping pills and drinking are the wrong choices. thank you for caring!!!!!

    kim; you don't know how much it means to me to know that your husband is getting excited about life after solid sober time. i shared this with my therapist. she said that i don't seem to have hope that this can happen. i just think life will stink. i need to work on my thinking! thank you for sharing about your husband (wow, you have a "husband"). his progress begins to give me hope

    danielle; you're such a good friend. and i love reading your blog. it takes me out of my addictive head and gets me thinking about fun, interesting things. i can picture myself playing Lady Macbeth.

    ambivalence is where i spend so much of my life. sometimes i think it's because i'm a gemini. i have very different opinions and mood swings. i've learned that acting quickly can cause problems for me. that's why i wait until i have some real clarity.

    thank you for being worried. it makes me think.

  5. Hey!!! I'm a Gemini, too!!! Well, why didn't you say that in the first place? Of course we get the emotional wobblies :D We can't help it- it's the twin nature!

    Keep on keeping on...