Just Eat It! is a 17 year-old who writes an extraordinary blog about her recovery. reading her wise, honest words about her ED taking control of her teenaged years, i think of all the time i lost.
i'll be 45 in june (how did that happen?) usually, i don't linger in the past. i'm so relieved to be where i am, after all i've been thru. i'm happier than i've ever been and so very grateful.
i always say i have no regrets -- if i didn't go thru what i did i wouldn't be the person i am nor as appreciative. but recently, i'm starting to get mad that i lost so many years to a desire to be...thin.
food was always a gigantic issue in my house. i ate and ate until i got chubby, but then i'd have a growth spurt and lose weight. i was the tallest girl in my class until seventh grade, when i hit 5'6. i weighed 123 pounds and wore a 34C bra.
once i stopped growing, the pounds PACKED on, and the cycle began. starving, binging, compulsive eating, starving, binging compulsive eating, diuretics, laxatives in college, puking after that. my weight fluctuated 60 pounds regularly. i got down to 95 and up to 180. back and forth, back and forth. binge, purge, starve, binge, purge...
junior high school sucked - i was fat and that was all that mattered to me.
high school sucked - i discovered diuretics, cigarettes, fasting and serious binging.
college sucked - i starved too hard to have any brain power. then i binged up 60 pounds.
my 20s sucked - i starved down to 95. no binging here. just misery, loneliness. anger
my thirties sucked - HUNGRY, STARVING, FAMISHED. binge, purge, binge, purge, binge, binge, purge, purge
my early 40s -- stopped binging and purging. gained 20 pounds. then my body adjusted and i lost 15. i've stayed this way for a year.
my ED took control when i was 13. i'm taking it back at 44. THIRTY-ONE years sitting alone, counting calories, staying in so i wouldn't eat, staying in so i could puke out every last bite of food, staying in, so i wouldn't be temped to eat and god forbid -- gain weight.
WHAT A FUCKING WASTE OF TIME. i won't get those 31 years back.
guess it pisses me off, huh? and makes me very sad. the next years won't be like that.