Sunday, February 8, 2009


(warning: this piece rambles.)

I drank, I stole Ambien, I ate so much, I smoked.

So, there you go.

Can you believe i feel worst about the eating? Four days of big dinners and cookies. With having my period, i feel my stomach expanding out to the house next door.

is that really true? why aren't i more miserable about the drinking? and going into my sister-in-law's drawer and stealing ambien and taking it?

perhaps it's because i relapsed all around. i just did. my hormones are raging. my cramps triple me over. i wanted relief. i thought a glass of wine would help with the cramps (it didn't).

i thought the ambien would help me get a good, long sleep. te sleep WAS amazing and much needed. the rotten part was the stealing. i'm not going to beat myself up as long as i don't do it again. that's the thing to work on.

i have to give more thought to alcohol. after seven weeks sober, there was wine.

i don't know what i'm going to do tonight.

how would i love to be able to have a glass of wine on the weekend? how hard would that be? could i do it? would i dream about it all week? would the weekend wine consume my mind?

there's been so much drinking around me. wednesday, we went to the boyfriend's parents 52nd wedding anniversary. there WAS so much wine and champagne AND food. they all drank moderately (of course, the brothers had the traditional shot of homemade vodka with their dad after the meal.) boy, did that champagne look good. i had diet orange soda, seltzer, diet coke, two cups of coffee and peed all night.

no alcohol for me, but I consumed an awful lot of (yummy) dinner and two pieces of cake.

friday, my girlfriend wanted to visit the bartender at a lovely restaurant near us. she invited me to join her. i love the place and was sick of drinking coffee, diet coke, iced tea, lemonade, seltzer with lime and peeing all night. instead, i sipped one glass of wine over three hours. and peed once.

we smoked cigarettes in her car. suddenly, i'm smoking three cigarettes a day. i don't know why. i never smoke regularly. i suppose i smoke, so i don't eat and drink. it IS something to do with my hands and mouth.

of course, this mustn't continue. i don't want to become a smoker. absention should be viewed as something that's good for me, not something i'm depriving myself of.

where am i now? i just don't know? it 3 pm. my eating's on regular track. i've smoked two cigarettes. i don't feel like drinking, but i can't predict what i'll want tonight.

it's all raw. i do feel that i'm in IT, instead of pretending i'm okay. i struggle sometimes and sometimes i don't.

over the next few days, i'll need to make some decisions or decide to let things ride. i can't predict what that will look like.

i'm strangely okay with this but sometimes not. i'm sitting with it all. there's no denial (well, maybe thinking i can just drink on weekends.)

one thing i know for sure -- it will unfold.


  1. Oh honey... I don't know if this will help, but it helps me when I am feeling blue...

  2. Bad days happen, the important thing is to pick yourself back up and keep going. Keep the faith, girl.

  3. You're being honest (with yourself and us) and that's what matters most. You know what you really want for yourself, and I have no doubt you can get there...

  4. It is good you are being honest... I can see the justifications starting, with the weekend drinking, etc. I do the same thing with smoking. Be careful with the cigarettes... they are powerfully addicting. Worse than anything else. I see you trading one addiction for another and have to ask myself, did your therapist give you any tools to avoid doing that? What are they? Do they work?

    There is a certain freedom you feel when the torturous thoughts end, and you make the decision to allow yourself something you withheld from yourself because it was bad for you. You decide to do "just a little" to see how it goes. Suddenly you feel a calm, a releif from the torturous thoughts. You feel badly about it, but releived at the same time. Over time, the guilt fades, but so does the releif, because it is replaced all too soon with enslavement again. Now you are a slave to the very thing you freed yourself from so successfully weeks before.

    Why is it so hard to get rid of something, without resorting to other self destructive measures?

    I wish I knew. I love you, kiddo. I hope you can handle this. All the best to you, always.

  5. *warning... the above comment rambles...

  6. D.M. this was perfect. if anyone else is reading this now, read the poem. it's beautiful. i can't quite explain it's effect, but reading it, i stopped worrying about my many little obsessions and saw myself in a different light, having a place in the world.

    Just Eat It; i am, indeed, in the "picking myself up" again phase. it's not easy. sometimes it's easier. as confused as i am, i did get up, get dressed, put on nice make-up, got to work on time... over the next few days, i will feel more re-grouped. thanks!

    kim; honesty is great, though difficult. i'll feel better after i have therapy tomorrow. i have a lot to tell. i'm just trying to take care of myself today. as i've said, it's really confusing. but that's what it is, i guess.

    karen; hey, fellow rambler (although, of course, you didn't ramble.) you described it perfectly, as though you're in my soul. i know i can't drink. and you know, it wasn't as dreamy as i'd remembered. i got such headaches. my body feels trashed, what with all the smoking, eating junk and drinking. i'm re-grouping. i am so grateful for all you guys, you wonderful friends. love to you, karen!

  7. it never is as dreamy as we remember... It is horrible. But it is the addiction calling us, calling to us, to satisfy IT. The addiction is an evil thing, something that must be turned away from, but how to do that without turning to yet another? Ugh. I wish I knew the answer to that.

  8. Like we don't all cave in now and then. It is hard work being a grown up. You are only human. Besides, there is a limit to how much restraint one can handle. Don't be hard on youself.

  9. karen: i really don't know. i write this as i furiously chew a big wad of Bi Red. i just don't handle stress all. i'm not drinking. that's great. no klonopin, also groovy. coffee and diet coke, however, not so much. sometimes, too, i don't know what the heck to do with myself when things go well. maybe that's part of y i start being self-destructive? you?

    Linda; i really appreciate this. restraint does get trying. i see that you take care of yourself -- healthy living. i need to cultivate this. i put garbage in my body, which is really not fair to it. good food for thought, as they say