Monday, February 23, 2009


why do spend all my time with itchy faux comforts when there are tons of people who support me in my life, who can offer real comfort? why can't i take that in and feel that?

didn't i start eating compulsively at such a young age because i didn't have love and support or stability? now i have all of that, and i'm gnawing on gum (even as we "speak") and sucking the non-living daylights out of Werther's caramels. (i suck really loudly and assume i annoy many people.)

i can understand it when i'm scared and powerless, e.i., we had a horrible plane ride, because of horrible weather, to california. what with planes going down left and right lately, i was frightened, helpless and sitting alone. obviously, i made it home safely, but during the turbulence, lollipop wrappers flew. suck, suck, suck.

yet, i'm not often powerless like that. and when i am scared or bored or angry, i can pick up the phone and call or text or email and find some wonderful person who loves and supports me. if i'm a little out of touch, wonderful people reach out to me. as i speak to them, i gulp down coffee.

will i ever feel emotionally nourished enough not to "need" a perpetually chewing mouth, constantly engaged fingers, a busy mind?

can i ever rest?


  1. Maybe not. Not to be a doomsayer, but we are a jittery bunch, and it is ok to own that.

    I am constantly moving. I crave to chew on things, to sip a beverage, whether it be pepsi, water, coffee or whatever. It isn't bad to want to suck on a candy. I don't happen to like hard candy, so I like to chew. Chew, chew, chew. all day long, like a cow.

    I'm comfortable with that, though. Who gives a rat's ass what anyone else thinks of it?

    You know what I always say...
    F*ck 'em...

  2. Did you say, "I suck really loudly." Sorry, had to laugh there...
    I wouldn't be too hard on yourself about this. I have a feeling that if you accept that you may have these habits, they will diminish, over time. It's like once I accepted that I needed the "comfort" of measuring my salad dressing, once I stopped beating myself up for being such a failure at recovery, I stopped measuring my salad dressing completely. Weird how that happens...

  3. karen: sorry it took so long to reply. glad to know i'm not alone! still, i would like to be able to be...still. it's not my first priority, though. first, i must learn to be a little more okay with myself. p.s. thanks for being such a great friend.

    kim; since it took so long to reply, i know this finds you on your honeymoon. congratulations! hope you are having the time of your life!!!!!! thank you for the encouraging words. it helps me remember that sucking candies is not long committing mass murder. sometimes i forget not to equate the two!