...with apologies to men. and anyone else who doesn't feel like hearing about this. also, maybe triggering?
yes, it's that time of the month. the time where i'm completely on edge and grimacing, no matter what you or anyone else says. it's the time where i am crippled for 2.5 days of pulsating cramps -- yes, i swear they vibrate. and now is the time when no pants (not even one's from ten pounds up) fit. as i write this, my super stretch jeans are unbuttoned, and i'm about to change into sweats before i head out to pick up Chinese food for dinner.
of course, there's nothing wrong with getting Chinese food. there's nothing wrong with eating dinner.
but why did i think about food all day? why did i think food would comfort my screeching, exploding belly? a "normal" person, (read: someone not reared on bingeing, purging, and starving) would want nothing less than a meal at these particular moments. in fact, they might have to force themselves to eat some rice or crackers or something to coat their stomachs before they take their next five Advil.
hmmmm. come to think about it, maybe i really just need some rice and maybe some gentle protein to fuel my body and coat my stomach before gobbling afforementioned ibuprofen.
this post sounds like the "old" me. hormones make me cuckoo. i'm thinking about not posting this -- is it pissy? resentful? vaguely nasty? is it triggering?
is it? please let me know. i have no perspective at this moment. Thanks!
Monday, April 18, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
comparing ourselves
turns out, the gorgeous woman who sits next to me at work weighs exactly what i do. how happy am i -- she's perfect, so i must be okay.
but here's the thing -- why am i comparing myself to every human on earth? i'll even watch my guy friends eat and gauge what i'm eating against what they consume. with the guy i'm seeing i'll hear myself thinking, "he's 5'11 and weighs 170; i'm 5'6 and 135. he ate a whole sandwich, but i had more potatoes..." how ridiculous.
i compare myself to everyone about everything, actually. i think everyone's better, smarter, funnier... mostly, i assume everyone knows better than i do.
i'm starting to work on this. it's SUCH a habit -- it's shockingly constant. at this point, i'm more noticing than taking action - it's so ingrained.
i'm working to ground myself in myself. THIS is where i am and who i am right now, separate from other people and who they are.
it actually feels odd. i've always gauged who i am against other people.
hmmm.
but here's the thing -- why am i comparing myself to every human on earth? i'll even watch my guy friends eat and gauge what i'm eating against what they consume. with the guy i'm seeing i'll hear myself thinking, "he's 5'11 and weighs 170; i'm 5'6 and 135. he ate a whole sandwich, but i had more potatoes..." how ridiculous.
i compare myself to everyone about everything, actually. i think everyone's better, smarter, funnier... mostly, i assume everyone knows better than i do.
i'm starting to work on this. it's SUCH a habit -- it's shockingly constant. at this point, i'm more noticing than taking action - it's so ingrained.
i'm working to ground myself in myself. THIS is where i am and who i am right now, separate from other people and who they are.
it actually feels odd. i've always gauged who i am against other people.
hmmm.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
My Answer
A.A. in Two Words
"All A.A. progress can be reckoned in terms of just two words: humility and responsibility. Our whole spiritual development can be accurately measured by our degree of adherence to these magnificent standards.
Ever deepening humility, accompanied by an ever greater willingness to accept and to act upon clear-cut obligations - these are truly our touchstones for all growth in the life of the spirit. They hold up to us the very essence of right being and right doing. It is by them that we are enabled to find and to do God's will."
Bill Wilson from a talk in 1965 (Printed in Grapevine in 1966)
i didn't know what else to do. Humility seems to be my answer. Work is finally fine. I realize nothing is beneath me (except denigrating or judging others)-- this is where i am in life. Learning and practicing humility is something i've never done before. it's actually kind of interesting and it's makes everything, well, just fine.
as for taking responsibility -- living up to my side of the bargain, changing the things i can and accepting the things i can't -- well, that's pretty cool too.
these two words bring me great peace and freedom.
"All A.A. progress can be reckoned in terms of just two words: humility and responsibility. Our whole spiritual development can be accurately measured by our degree of adherence to these magnificent standards.
Ever deepening humility, accompanied by an ever greater willingness to accept and to act upon clear-cut obligations - these are truly our touchstones for all growth in the life of the spirit. They hold up to us the very essence of right being and right doing. It is by them that we are enabled to find and to do God's will."
Bill Wilson from a talk in 1965 (Printed in Grapevine in 1966)
i didn't know what else to do. Humility seems to be my answer. Work is finally fine. I realize nothing is beneath me (except denigrating or judging others)-- this is where i am in life. Learning and practicing humility is something i've never done before. it's actually kind of interesting and it's makes everything, well, just fine.
as for taking responsibility -- living up to my side of the bargain, changing the things i can and accepting the things i can't -- well, that's pretty cool too.
these two words bring me great peace and freedom.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Not a Problem
i'm going to mention my weight and my eating, so if that's difficult for anyone, i completely understand.
I'm 5'6, and this morning I weighed 135 at the boy's house. That's the most i weighed in years and years and years. It's fine, and I look fine, but i'm no longer super thin, as i was for years. In my mind, being slim was one of my best (and only)claims to fame
Last summer, when my world was so crazy and i was drinking like crazy, i weighed 110. SUPER skinny -- i looked awful.
I've gained a lot of this weight recently and quickly. I'm sure that my horrible new work hours and unhappiness in the job have contributed to this burst of pounds - eating out of boredom comes into play. and with the weird hours, my body's not sure when it's truly hungry or if it's just tired.
BUT i've been eating differently and better. I used to live on salad and red wine. i had to seriously restrict to keep my weight light.
so, i'm no longer exclusive with salad. i'm now dating around. this must be fairly confusing for my body -- red meat! potato salad! butter!
I'm still okay, though. In the past i would have created a problem somewhere where there wasn't a problem
My weight is fine. I'm fine. The guy I'm seeing doesn't have an ounce of diminished passion, because i'm heavier than when he met me.
i was raised to believe that people would like me less if i weighed more. i was raised to believe this was acceptable. now, i believe neither. if someone's opinion of me changes because of weight gain, i don't want to know that crazy person.
i was raised to believe that all men would have no interest in me if i weighed more. so far, not the case. it's still a little difficult for me to believe, but the proof is in the.....well, the bedroom
this is still a work in progress, but it's good. i do wonder, though, if this bothers any of my readers -- talking about my quick weight gain? i don't want to scare anyone. my body has always really, really loved weight. and i don't exercise at all, (that's something i need to look at for my health and bones.)
it's my experience that when most people start eating more naturally, they don't gain anywhere near what i have. each body is different.
this journey has it's moments, but i find it pretty liberating and not particularly scarey. i'd love your feedback and reactions
I'm 5'6, and this morning I weighed 135 at the boy's house. That's the most i weighed in years and years and years. It's fine, and I look fine, but i'm no longer super thin, as i was for years. In my mind, being slim was one of my best (and only)claims to fame
Last summer, when my world was so crazy and i was drinking like crazy, i weighed 110. SUPER skinny -- i looked awful.
I've gained a lot of this weight recently and quickly. I'm sure that my horrible new work hours and unhappiness in the job have contributed to this burst of pounds - eating out of boredom comes into play. and with the weird hours, my body's not sure when it's truly hungry or if it's just tired.
BUT i've been eating differently and better. I used to live on salad and red wine. i had to seriously restrict to keep my weight light.
so, i'm no longer exclusive with salad. i'm now dating around. this must be fairly confusing for my body -- red meat! potato salad! butter!
I'm still okay, though. In the past i would have created a problem somewhere where there wasn't a problem
My weight is fine. I'm fine. The guy I'm seeing doesn't have an ounce of diminished passion, because i'm heavier than when he met me.
i was raised to believe that people would like me less if i weighed more. i was raised to believe this was acceptable. now, i believe neither. if someone's opinion of me changes because of weight gain, i don't want to know that crazy person.
i was raised to believe that all men would have no interest in me if i weighed more. so far, not the case. it's still a little difficult for me to believe, but the proof is in the.....well, the bedroom
this is still a work in progress, but it's good. i do wonder, though, if this bothers any of my readers -- talking about my quick weight gain? i don't want to scare anyone. my body has always really, really loved weight. and i don't exercise at all, (that's something i need to look at for my health and bones.)
it's my experience that when most people start eating more naturally, they don't gain anywhere near what i have. each body is different.
this journey has it's moments, but i find it pretty liberating and not particularly scarey. i'd love your feedback and reactions
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Accepting Weight Gain
Russian peasant stock. That's what i come from. All of my ancestors were strong and hearty and healthy. NOT thin.
i've written about this before, but it's coming up again. i'm not naturally thin. my body loves to gain weight and does so quite quickly and easily.
as i've been letting myself be about food, i've definetely put on weight. as i've forgone the daily weigh-in, my pants have tightened indeed. however, this is what's supposed to happen, i'm sure, for MY body.
i weighed myself at a friends' a few nights ago, and i'm now up 15 pounds since last year at this time. that's 35 pounds heavier than my lowest weight. am i healthier, you betcha. am i happier, YES. and i'm no longer living on red wine and salad.
i look like an adult woman, which makes a lot of sense, since that's what i am.
still, it can be difficult. i'd assumed that if i learned to eat intuitively, i would somehow end up nicely thin (not skinny). for many people, that happens. but i have to accept, as i've said, that i'm not naturally thin. i don't know what my natural weight is yet, but i want to be ready to accept it, no matter where it falls.
until then, i'm hanging in there, literally loosening my belt and staying away from the scale as much as possible. i also (and this is corny) look in the mirror and tell myself i look just fine. this actually works. i do look fine.
my guy friend pays me lovely compliments (love that!)and seems to find me pretty attractive.
i'm eating well. not binging, purging or starving. and i'm living life.
pretty good, if you think about it.
i've written about this before, but it's coming up again. i'm not naturally thin. my body loves to gain weight and does so quite quickly and easily.
as i've been letting myself be about food, i've definetely put on weight. as i've forgone the daily weigh-in, my pants have tightened indeed. however, this is what's supposed to happen, i'm sure, for MY body.
i weighed myself at a friends' a few nights ago, and i'm now up 15 pounds since last year at this time. that's 35 pounds heavier than my lowest weight. am i healthier, you betcha. am i happier, YES. and i'm no longer living on red wine and salad.
i look like an adult woman, which makes a lot of sense, since that's what i am.
still, it can be difficult. i'd assumed that if i learned to eat intuitively, i would somehow end up nicely thin (not skinny). for many people, that happens. but i have to accept, as i've said, that i'm not naturally thin. i don't know what my natural weight is yet, but i want to be ready to accept it, no matter where it falls.
until then, i'm hanging in there, literally loosening my belt and staying away from the scale as much as possible. i also (and this is corny) look in the mirror and tell myself i look just fine. this actually works. i do look fine.
my guy friend pays me lovely compliments (love that!)and seems to find me pretty attractive.
i'm eating well. not binging, purging or starving. and i'm living life.
pretty good, if you think about it.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
What to do About My Job?
my new job's got me depressed. well, i guess i'm letting myself get depressed.
i have worked really diligently to keep myself from griping and moaning and whining and blowing off the steam. today, i need to vent. please forgive the rant.
there is NOTHING to do here. why did they hire me? I sense they thought it would be busier.
when i say i do nothing, take it literally. every once in a while, they hand me some grunt work -- make a few copies, send a fax, order lunch, pull a couple of files. other than that, i spend 8 hours trying to look busy. i fail.
i'm just not sure what to do. i'm considering checking to see if my old job will take me back. who knows if they would -- i left after only six months, thinkng this here was a good oppty. my last job didn't thrill, but it was fine.
i was happy then -- happy with my life, my adorable little apartment, my AA meetings, my friends. now, i'm depressed and obsessed -- all i can talk or think about is how bored i am all day. dread.
i need a job/paycheck, OF COURSE. and benefits, so it's not like i can just walk.
should i give it a chance? my boss tells me it will get busier and there is oppty, but can i make it, doing nothing for 40 hours per week until who knows when?
everyone is very nice. it's a small family business in a very small office. i like that's it's super casual -- i could wear pajamas and no one would care. if i need to leave early or take a day off, they don't care at all, and they'd pay me, even though i've been here only a few weeks.
still, i'm not a morning person and the job starts at 7:30, and its 45 minutes from my house. at my old job, i got in at 9:30 and it was 12 minutes from home. my sleep was, for the first time, great. now, i have so much trouble again -- getting to sleep and staying asleep. i'm always exhausted
also, food's more problematic here -- i've over-tired, bored and unhappy. and they're ALL obsessed with food. they order lunch before 10 am.
i'm certainly building a case for leaving, aren't i? but it's scarey -- i do need that paycheck and who knows, maybe the next job i'd find would be AWFUL. i hate job-jumping too.
does anyone have any suggestions or thoughts on this? i find myself pretty confused and bummed.
THANKS!
i have worked really diligently to keep myself from griping and moaning and whining and blowing off the steam. today, i need to vent. please forgive the rant.
there is NOTHING to do here. why did they hire me? I sense they thought it would be busier.
when i say i do nothing, take it literally. every once in a while, they hand me some grunt work -- make a few copies, send a fax, order lunch, pull a couple of files. other than that, i spend 8 hours trying to look busy. i fail.
i'm just not sure what to do. i'm considering checking to see if my old job will take me back. who knows if they would -- i left after only six months, thinkng this here was a good oppty. my last job didn't thrill, but it was fine.
i was happy then -- happy with my life, my adorable little apartment, my AA meetings, my friends. now, i'm depressed and obsessed -- all i can talk or think about is how bored i am all day. dread.
i need a job/paycheck, OF COURSE. and benefits, so it's not like i can just walk.
should i give it a chance? my boss tells me it will get busier and there is oppty, but can i make it, doing nothing for 40 hours per week until who knows when?
everyone is very nice. it's a small family business in a very small office. i like that's it's super casual -- i could wear pajamas and no one would care. if i need to leave early or take a day off, they don't care at all, and they'd pay me, even though i've been here only a few weeks.
still, i'm not a morning person and the job starts at 7:30, and its 45 minutes from my house. at my old job, i got in at 9:30 and it was 12 minutes from home. my sleep was, for the first time, great. now, i have so much trouble again -- getting to sleep and staying asleep. i'm always exhausted
also, food's more problematic here -- i've over-tired, bored and unhappy. and they're ALL obsessed with food. they order lunch before 10 am.
i'm certainly building a case for leaving, aren't i? but it's scarey -- i do need that paycheck and who knows, maybe the next job i'd find would be AWFUL. i hate job-jumping too.
does anyone have any suggestions or thoughts on this? i find myself pretty confused and bummed.
THANKS!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Clothes That Fit
Yes, my clothes are too tight. As i write this, i'm wriggling around in some jeggings that used to fit just fine. now, there's muffin top rolling over the front of my jeans. happily, i have a big sweatshirt that skims my (newly full) thighs. unhappily, i struggle to breathe.
i've been ignoring the fact that my clothes are just too tight. i kind of wondered were my weight would land after i got better adjusted to the crazy hours of the new job. but instead of floating back down, as i'd truly suspected would happen, things are still going up, up and away.
i'm hanging in. i'm genuinely interested in where this all will settle. i'm just doing what i'm doing and living a good life and wondering what size my body wants to be.
it's not always easy, but i can put it aside and go on with my life. i think i look like a normal person -- i'm not special in my thinness or special in my heaviness. i'm average. nothing about my weight or eating or body image is special. but, i can be special as a person.
so yes, i'm okay with body changes BUT what about my wardrobe? i can't afford new clothes.
ahh -- there's a bright side. it's almost summer -- i'll bet all my sundresses and t-shirt dresses will fit. problem avoided. YAY
i've been ignoring the fact that my clothes are just too tight. i kind of wondered were my weight would land after i got better adjusted to the crazy hours of the new job. but instead of floating back down, as i'd truly suspected would happen, things are still going up, up and away.
i'm hanging in. i'm genuinely interested in where this all will settle. i'm just doing what i'm doing and living a good life and wondering what size my body wants to be.
it's not always easy, but i can put it aside and go on with my life. i think i look like a normal person -- i'm not special in my thinness or special in my heaviness. i'm average. nothing about my weight or eating or body image is special. but, i can be special as a person.
so yes, i'm okay with body changes BUT what about my wardrobe? i can't afford new clothes.
ahh -- there's a bright side. it's almost summer -- i'll bet all my sundresses and t-shirt dresses will fit. problem avoided. YAY
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