Monday, August 31, 2009

Blogging in Time

oh, am i antsy today. thus -- i'm pick, pick, picking around food. i've been mainlining gum and hard candies. chomping and sucking really hard can take the edge off.

i'm home from work, earlier than usual -- i was supposed to go to a lecture with a friend. she canceled; i didn't feel like going alone, so here i am, not too far from a bag of pretzels.

the sad part is -- i'm not hungry and probably won't be again tonight, what with all the munch,munch, munching i did at work. if i do eat tonight, because i like to eat at night, it will be from mouth hunger not real hunger.

i've been working on eating when i'm hungry and stopping when full. i guess that's Intuitive Eating? mostly, i'm working on "full". i recognize "hungry", but i can rarely figure out when to stop eating -- what else could be expected of a lifelong anorexic, bulimic, compulsive eater?

with "full", i've been eating a smaller plate of food. usually, i bulk way up on salads and steamed vegetables (i looove them) and usually have a second helping. i have some protein and starch and then dessert. and i usually end up pretty full.

so, i've been having one helping of salad and veggies, a healthful portion of protein and starch and then seeing if i really still want dessert. mostly, i don't want the cake and ice cream my mouth wants. but i will have a little chocolate...

you know, i just realized how much i'm writing about food, and i'm getting bored. eating to full is not what's bothering me. i'm worried about other things -- money, work, life, and i'm at stalemate. i'm not finding answers. i pray, i dream, i talk, i write -- but guidance is not revealed.

my mind and body are disquiet. like i said, i'm antsy.

see how blogging helps? i got some answers -- it's not about the food, is it? it's about not feeling whole, peaceful, content, fulfilled. ahhh, a lot to think about, but it's good.

i feel better. about food


  1. Yep Blogging helps to put thing's in perspective for me too. But I do still like the Ice Cream! And stopping those kind of binges is a real challenge. I'm happy that your doing good.

  2. I love your post! It's EXACTLY where I am in this very moment! I was just asking myself, "are you really hungry, or do you just want to eat, just because?" I always want to eat just because. I'm still deciding whether I'm going to eat anything else tonight, or not. I don't want to feel guilty, but... for some reason, I get so afraid to put down the extra bit of food i eat at night!

    Anyway, thanks for all of your comments on my blog!

  3. I like this post too. I was/am at a similar place where I returned to flirting with strange eating as a way to avoid worries about life/money/future/work. I think intuitive eating is such a great goal. Keep working at it. And keep blogging - it seems like it helps.

  4. I missed your blog (I was all disappeared for a while there!)

    I hope it all calms down for you soon, I chew gum madly when I'm antsy too...

  5. I like how you will start a post and then come around full circle and figure it out for yourself. You are amazing.

  6. eating alone: blogging REALLY helped me last night. i felt refreshed and grounded, i watched a movie and ate a light, healthy, satisfying dinner.

    gg: i always think i want food. my mouth ALWAYS wants to eat. and who know from body signals? my stomach churns - is it anxiety? do i have to go the bathroom? am i hungry? WHO KNOWS? can't it just drive you crazy?

    looks like we're in this together, which helps, right?

  7. Intuitive eating is a hard concept for me too, with all the years of restricting under my belt. It helps me to experiment. Not all days have to be the same. It is a hard process though. I'm kind of glad you get bored writing about food. That tells me you're tired of the ed stuff (not a bad thing).
    By the way, to answer your question on my blog, my side jobs are writing projects. I work in the health care industry so I have advertising agencies ask me to write websites for pharmaceutical products. Not fascinating, but keeps me busy :)

  8. Sometimes that happens to me too, I'll write out a whole blog post and end up with some insight, or some totally other place than where I started. I think writing is better therapy for me than therapy.

  9. Blogging does help hugely. I sometimes start a post in one mood and then it changes because I am offloading. I could offload to a person face to face, but that is not my thing. If I write I feel better. No writing makes me uptight and a bit blue. Winter writing is always less than Summer.

    I really wish I could write full time. Not sure what about, but just the thought of it appeals greatly.

    Picking days always make me feel bloated and miserable. Especially if I spent most of the day resisting the urge then just binge (last night was a bag of pretzels) Sigh.

  10. Blogging saves my sanity! I would absolutely shrivel up and die if it weren't for blogging!

  11. Hey! Just got your comment on my blog. I never know the best way to respond to people! You're coming to CA next month? The weather in October can be very, very warm still (fire season!). It can start to feel like fall too though (chilly breeze). It's not that predictable. It definitely won't be cold though :) Email me when you're here :)