Sunday, August 9, 2009


i binged. and i'm okay.

i binged yesterday during my next door neighbors big summer party. my last binge was in november. before that, it had been years. not sure why i binged. these are some thoughts;

1. i always watch what i eat. i eat lots of salads and vegetables with some lean meats and small amounts of carbs and fats and little desserts. it's healthy and keeps me at a good weight, and it keeps me comfortable. the party had TONS of amazing food that kept coming and coming for hours. i kept sampling everything and just decided to keep going as i haven't in a long time. EVERYTHING was delicious. and they had three kinds of brownies. everyone else was eating a lot.

2. we went over at 4 pm. as always, a very uncomfortable time for me to be faced with a large meal. at first, i took a "manageable" amount of food, but then i felt i'd eaten too much, too early and it was too overwhelming. i talked to myself and talked to myself and talked to myself,as i always do -- about alcohol and prescription drugs and food and the scale and.... i must have gotten tired of keeping myself on a healthy track. it's really not easy for me; i'm not a moderate gal. maybe, i just gave in.

3. i wanted to be able to drink alcohol, like everyone else there. it looked delicious and relaxing. instead of drinking, maybe i ate and ate. i've been in the mood for a drink lately but always remind myself -- i'm not a good drinker. it will be three months without a drink on wednesday. i want that marker and beyond. in AA, they say that 90 days is a time to watch for -- brain chemistry somehow makes us want to drink again.

4. could i have just been hungry? i really watch what i eat and have been practicing eating when i'm hungry and stopping when i'm full. maybe i'm stopping too soon? maybe i always feel deprived?

5. stress was in the air this week. i spent a lot of time with a dear friend who's life is in turmoil and who's having panic attacks. my boyfriend had a really stressful week and got really stressed out. and i had my own stuff.

whatever the reason, i binged. i talked about it with my boyfriend, who was great. he pointed it out that it was one day, at a party and today's a new day.

i woke up, out of practice with coping with the day after a binge.

we went to church. i thought that would be good. i'm jewish and not religious, but i enjoy praying and meditating beside my boyfriend.

today's priest has a lovely, warm way about him. he speaks often of love, compassion, forgiveness, spirituality. this morning,it seemed that he was speaking to me, saying what i needed to hear. when he said "live in love", i felt the warmth of the idea. when he spoke of compassion, forgivenss, mercy, it clicked.

i will pray for love, compassion, forgiveness and mercy. it's hard for self-hatred about binging to creep in with all that.

after church, my boyfriend likes to get something to eat. respecting my post-binge ultra-fullness (i stuffed myself until 1 am), he asked if he could make me tea?

later, i went to my apartment and did my laundry and read and meditated on forgiving myself.

then i got a manicure. now, i'm blogging.

i'd like to figure out why i binged to prevent another one. they sure take a toll, physically and mentally. don't they?

but i'm okay. kind of in a good place (except for my stomach which squeals a lot.) a good place is nice.


  1. Good for you for looking deeper and trying to figure out why you had the binge. The only way out is through.

  2. I'm sending you happy thoughts. Just remember a slip doesn't have to be a fall. It sound's like your turning it around. That's the hard part, getting back on track. Keep going, you can make it!

  3. Your boyfriend sounds like a great support to you. It's good to hear that you are forgiving yourself - today IS a new day.

  4. It sounds like you're very honest with yourself, and you have great support in your boyfriend. Forgive yourself. We ALL have slips! It doesn't mean you're taking a full-on tumble!

  5. If the aftermath of this binge is that you have filled yourself with such positive thoughts, then maybe it wasn't such a bad thing, and you shouldn't regard it as such. It was a one day thing. The next day you did very well, and actually filled yourself up with GOOD things instead of self hating endlessly. Finding that sort of peace after such turmoil has to be the other side of the balance you must have craved, which might have triggered the binge in the first place. Sometimes we crave support so much that we do something self destructive so that we will finally get it. Sometimes it works sometimes not. But in this case it did, and I'm glad. Maybe when you feel yourself getting overwhelmed you can head the binge off at the pass and just talk to someone about it instead? Someone who is there for you on a day to day basis.

    Love YOU first. It's really ok. It really is.

  6. A binge now and then is fine. And you chose food as the culprit. Hopefully it was all tasty and worth it! Although, who would binge on salad or steamed veges?

    Personally, I think you just enjoyed yourself and allowed some food indulgence. Being uber healthy ALL the time is hard work. The odd scoff is fine. It is when you do it day in and day out there is an issue on hand.

    I have recently had some major picking days and have found it hard to forgive my weakness. My weight is up and my frame of mind is down (as the seesaw of body and mind battles go). Today I am back on board. Mind is settled and back on track.

    Really lovely that your boyfriend is understanding of what is going on with you.

  7. I mostly agree with Linda, I expect that I'll overeat in a semi-uncontrolled way a few times a year. I'm reluctant to call it a binge because it doesn't have the urgency, and it's public. I kinda think overeating episodes are human nature, and it's built into our culture (Thanksgiving, graduations, weddings, etc.) Usually mine are alcohol-fueled, and being hungry beforehand never helps. I blow it off, eat less and walk it off until I'm not so full (sometimes takes a few days).

  8. christie; amen. the only way out is through. i love that.

  9. eating alone; thanks. i think i have made it through. i almost felt like a half-slip.

  10. lisa; today is a new day - most thankfully. i'm pleased with how i took care of myself after the binge. and that's change.

    kim; i am working on forgiveness. it doesn't come naturally, though. but is my goal. thank you.

    karen; yes, balance would be good. like forgiveness, moderation isn't easy for me. i love living on the edge, but it doesn't make me happy. and i want happiness!!!

    Linda; i have to learn that a big eating day IS fine occassionally. that's a new one for me. i do have lots of picky days, though, and up goes the weight. sometimes, it CAN take a while to get back on track. i was doing really well before i went to alaska. i'm finally getting back on track. hope you're feeling good!

    justjuliebean; i really appreciate your thoughts. it's time for me to jump back on my bike! i get busy, and lots goes out the window. i agree with you and linda -- some big eating days are normal. and you're right, they really are built into our lives, ie., thanksgiving. thanks so much