Wednesday, January 7, 2009

The Repercussion Rant

i think i had a stomach flu the last two days. whatever it was; it wasn't pretty.

on top of the fever, headache, diarrhea and throwing up, i also had to contend with the ulcer, which is excruciatingly painful during violent diarrhea and throwing up. it may also contribute to the nausea i still experience, but i won't know until i see my doctor, who can't see me until next tuesday, when i am supposed to be leaving for california. STRESS.

back to that ulcer, which snarls at me a lot lately. it hurts badly if i don't eat often whether i'm hungry or not (confusing for the eating disorder), it hurts when i eat the wrong things but i'm never quite sure what those are, it shrieks when I eat or drink all the things that comfort my eating disorder because they're low-cal and i really like them too-- spices, vinegar, pickles, mustard, coffee, diet soda, and all spicey food. my ulcer loves white bread and potatoes. ironic!

I threw up (sorry, reader) for hours monday night. (Ouch!!!) much of the time i thought about the sadness of what i've done to myself with years of throwing up, laxatives, diuretic, wine, coffee AND never listening to earlier warning signs of side "benefits"like the ulcer.

could we SEE the repercussions and stop where we are and start healing from right here. i want to start listening to those repecussions better, but i don't know if i will. i certainly wouldn't have just a short time ago. i doubt i would have listened to anyone's else's examples either. what a shame.

i hope to have many more years with this body, but have already done a good deal of damage. in years past, i've ignored it. maybe the body just isn't as resilient at 44. after all these years, it has FINALLY hit me how extraordinary it is to not shit without enemas! to have fillings or root canals in almost every tooth. and I was raised with good hygiene. the list goes on, but it's finally, thank goodness, all hitting me. I can't wallow in regret, but i must stop where i am and start taking gentler care of myself.

by the way, in the middle of a stressful stress-filled day, i got a call from the klonopin people to see if i wanted a discount on a refill. a part of me would, of course (cut to DUI warning), but i erased it. that won't help ANYTHING, particularly not me.

for all of it, I DO seem to feel stronger. I look forward to feeling better!


  1. During my worst purging days my nutritionist used to have me mix glutamine powder in any liquid to help with the ulcer thing.
    I would check with someone first because I dont know your specific deal, obviously, but it definitely helped me.

  2. Every day you face a mountain to climb, and every day you conquer that mountain. You are doing beautifully.

    I hope you feel better soon. Please try to focus on the amazing progress you've made. You are doing great, Melissa.

    I'm proud of you.

  3. damn girl.

    i deff cant say id be able to go through all the shit you do and still be standing as strong.

    your a total inspiration =]]

    take care!

    XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

  4. I'm sorry you've been feeling so ill! You're doing really well xxx

  5. YAY Melissa thats so awesome. It so sucks being sick in general, and I hope you are feeling well soon!

    Keep it up!

  6. Oh, I hope you're feeling better! Whenever I'm sick, I think I'm being punished for my eating disorder. I know, of course, that this is not at all logical, but that's how I feel. It's funny how much pride I've taken in my ed, and how much I regret it simultaneously. I beat myself up for what I've done. I wonder if I'm infertile. All those things. But, dwelling on that is only going to lead to more self-hatred. You are where you are. You are very strong at this point in time, and that's what really matters!

  7. Twisted B: thank you for that suggestion. i'm going to ask my doctor about that when i seem finally see him (after my business trip.) it sounds like a really good idea and makes sense.

    Karen: I'M FEELING BETTER! hallelujah. it's hard to have faith when you feel like hell. but here i am. my body doesn't hurt and my head is clear. i couldn't have gotten thru this without everyone's support.

    SophiaRuins: i guess it is a lot. thank you for reminding me. somehow, it all doesn't seem so bad right now. i so relieved to finally feel better. and better than before. yippee!!!

    Abi: you're a great new friend. i'm sorry i haven't been blogging lately, although i have been reading as much as i can. if only we could find more hours in the day. and that would be more free hours, not work or care-taking!

    YAY Sarah: i do feel better, and it feels great. i appreciate the wellness. it's hard to remember that we will feel well again when we start feeling crummy...again. hope you feel well too.

    kim; yes, i did blame my ed for being sick, but at least this time, i felt sad for myself and the not FURIOUS i used to. that's improvement. yeah, dwelling doesn't help. my email is i wanted to ask you a question. write if you feel like it.

  8. Struggling with an eating disorder can cause profound isolation, fear and hopelessness. Because this illness thrives in secret, people with anorexia, bulimia and compulsive overeating hide their behaviours from those closest to them, hoping that no one will notice whilst hoping that someone will.
    In order to begin the process of recovery, secrecy must give way to self awareness and honesty, and this can only happen in a safe, structured and caring environment.
    Life Works, a treatment centre in Surrey, UK, gave me my confidence back and helped me overcome my problems. I would highly recommend it to anyone.

  9. Minh: somehow i missed this comment. so sorry. thank you for the recommendation. when i wanted to go into rehab for my eating disorder, i couldn't find a placed that was near that also took my insurance. i had an easier time when i needed treatment for my substance abuse. i found a great place but only through recommendations. thanks again and welcome to the site.