Monday, January 12, 2009

in which i feel really well

i can not believe it. i feel incredible! i didn't think it was possible.

this feeling better (emotionally, physically and intellectually) started late last week.

my brain is clearer. nothing seems too daunting.

i can breathe again, my screaming ulcer's subsided, and the headache's gone (knock wood, formica, marble - whatever's available)

on saturday, i sat down to speak with the boyfriend about issues in the relationship. i haven't really done this before. instead, when something bothered me, i'd pour a nice glass of vino and drink the problem down into my gut. and/or take a klonopin. and/or eat a second dinner. but i NEVER communicated with him about my (growing) concerns and unhappiness.

since we never addressed my issues, nothing changed. since nothing changed, i was less and less happy in the relationship. being around him added more stress.

while we spoke this weekedn, i didn't attack (which i feared because so much was pent up) but talked about how i felt and how things effected me. HE LISTENED. we talked. after the conversation, i felt a million times better and freer. i was shocked it went so well.

we had a great sunday together. he seems to feel better too. i've never been skilled at communicating my issues in relationships, because i was raised to fear anger and conflict. and i mean FEAR. this was such a pleasant surprise.

Work is really good today. My laundry is clean. What else could i want?

feeling good is kind of uncomfortable. i am working to enjoy this. AND TO NOT WAIT FOR THE OTHER SHOE TO DROP. "stay in the moment. stay in the moment. ...stay in the moment....stay in the moment."


  1. you got it girl......
    enjoy while life is good....
    then stay afloat when its not...

  2. I know just what you mean! Sometimes when things go well, I get nervous. I picture myself looking up and waiting for the shadow of the anvil about to fall on my head.
    But just as me says-- enjoy it. As Janis Joplin so eloquently put it, "Get it while you can."

  3. Well done!! I'm so glad you're feeling good!

    I get like that too, I'm still waiting for my other shoe to drop after the post partum stuff lol....

  4. What the hell??? I posted a great, nice long comment to this yesterday, and came back to check it and it was GONE. Actually, I don't think I checked to make sure it posted. Dumb ass that I am sometimes, I probably just X'd it out without posting it. Derrrrr.

    Anyway, I am sooo glad you are feeling so well. You deserve it, and I'm so happy for you. Long may it last! Like, forever!

    It is high time you felt the way you actually ARE. Fabulous! Love ya, girl.

  5. Ok, I checked this time, and it is there. Good. And it will last, sweetie, all you have to do to insure that is just KNOW it. You can do anything if you believe it enough.

  6. Well done. Unpleasant emotions are kind of crappy. It took me many years to learn to face them without having to brace my mind. Although, even now, at age 45, I do still have to take deep breaths to deal with tough emotions.

    You should be proud of yourself. I was very happy for you when I read this post.

  7. thanks, everyone, for your support. it's amazing to me that it's possible to feel well, to take care of myself, to stick up for myself. self-esteem is a hard one.

    i'm still feeling good, and i'm astounded and so appreciative.