Saturday, January 3, 2009


i took it last night. i haven't sorted out how i feel about that, and it amazes methat i'm sharing this here and will tell the therapist and group on tuesday. no alcohol. no klonopin.

back story. i called my local doctor, who knows nothing of my history but only prescribes ten a month, and asked for Ambien CR, so i could replace the four i took from my sister-in-law. AND HAVE SIX FOR ME. fyi, the CR version has fewer side effects for me than the regular Ambien. as usual when i take the regular, i am cranky and brain-free today.

i went to the drugstore to pick up the prescription and got worried that it wasn't CR, but i'm afraid to make an issue of it with the doctor, since i AM scamming. what would you guys do?

as i stepped to the counter, i got that old thrill -- ahhh, an illicit drug, come to me, sweetheart. i don't get that feeling when i pick up Lexapro!

When i got home, i was all happy, knowing i was guaranteed sleep, AND i wouldn't feel completely sedated in the morning. also, i knew i'd get a little of that dreamy, spacey thing before falling asleep. kind of druggie. when i took the Ambien, i went right to bed, unlike the old days when i'd stay awake to enjoy the effect. i also only took one (used to take two) and didn't wash it down with red wine.

what i didn't expect was that i'd wake up this morning having eaten a whole chicken sandwich that was in my refrigerator. that was the only thing i ate, but who knows if there had been more what i would have done.

i also left myself a note i can't decipher. i don't remember ANY of this. that's spooky. weird.

i used to love ambien, it felt like a god-send after years of not sleeping. i'd say that ambien was my lover -- my favorite thing to put in me in bed. when i stopped take it initially, i dreamt about it for days..

today, i feel icky. regular ambien does that. i'm going to try taking half tonight to see what happens. i wish i could sleep. i wish there was something that would help me sleep, not make me groggy and incoherent in the morning and had no other side effects. not likely.

i feel very guilty. like a dirty druggie, getting her fix. i don't like this. i am ashamed. although i do know i didn't do anything that many other people do. and legally. i didn't drink. i didn't take klonopin from the internet. but i don't want to get caught up in Ambien and sleep-eating and who knows what else. none of this is easy.


  1. That must have been scary... your subconscious wanted a sandwich! And left you a note!

    You have nothing to be ashamed of.... and it sounds like you're not getting the 'kick' that you used to from the Ambien, which must be a good sign...

    No alcohol and no Klonopin. And Christmas over. Well done!

  2. Do you think you might be able to sleep if you only take a half of a pill? Maybe one pill is too strong for you, if it is giving you night wanderings and night feedings. Odd you wrote a note.

    I can see how you'd feel rather spooked, and I'm sorry for the guilt you are feeling. You are still not drinking or taking klonopin, though, and obtained this medicine legally, so stop beating yourself up.

    As long as you aren't taking it every day, and not trying to enjoy the buzzy effects of the drug, you are taking it responsibly, the way it was meant. Consider that you may not need it every night. Be nice to yourself, you are doing really well, Melissa.

  3. Sorry that it appears I am now stalking you :)
    I had a 10 year relationship with ambien as well. Nothing else worked quite the way it did, and as someone who never even slept through the night until they were 8 years old, sleep or atleast arts and crafts were a godsend...
    So I had to stop taking it during someof the low times in my life because I was doing self destructive things in that hypnotic state.
    I had an AMAZING psychiatrist who functions in a way unknown to most... anyway...
    He discovered that although I have a low bloodpressure, I had a fast pulse and solving that problem would help me sleep...
    I take a beta blocker now.... I sleep like a baby...
    It is amazing...

  4. Isn't taking a sleeping pill so you can get some sleep what sleeping pills are for? Maybe I sound really ignorant here- but isn't it really important you sleep? ANd since you seem to want to avoid the "buzzy effects" as Karen says- isn't that ok? Or is it that you can never use any drug ever again because you've got an addictive personality and you're afraid you'll develop an addiction to it? My husband uses Lunestra every once in a while when he gets insomnia. I used half a pill once when I was freaking out and stressed the night before a big job interview. it was pretty mellow and I noticed only a dry mouth the next day. Nothing even close to unconscious writing! (scary!) I dunno- will you be able to drink coffee (caffeine)? Use aspirin? Have anesthesia if you need a tooth pulled? Phew. So complicated. I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this.

  5. Abi:i like that -- my subconscious wanted a sandwich and left me note. i am proud of sobriety (although i want a drink. it's frustrating. but i stare at the warning from my near DUI and remember the other reasons why i'm doing all this.) thank you, as always, for your great support!

    Karen: your suggestions are great; however,i tried to take half last night but evidently, i got up and took more, because there are only 8 left, not the 8 and 1/2 there should be. i don't like that! this has never been a good drug for me. one i need to do without. your ideas are good, though. thank you for caring about me.

    twisted b: you are NOT stalking me. i love your comments. that's an interesting idea. i have low blood pressure and a very fast pulse. i'm going to ask my psychiatrist about this. i was an insomniac kid too. thank you!!!!! very comforting to know someone else who knows all about insomnia and it's evils. glad you're doing better!

    D.M. good points. i CAN have anesthesia, although i lOVE it weigh (look, i wrote "weight" instead of "weigh" too much, especially the painkillers, but i'll take them if i need them. just have to watch.

    the occasional lunesta is great for a normal person, but i tend to take too many and i DO like the peaceful and whoozy feeling. i am not capable of taking them as needed. boo addiction.

    i need to work with my psychiatrist and therapist and self to figure out to sleep without dopey meds. thank you for "feeling my pain." things will work out. i am DETERMINED!

  6. OOOOOOOOHHHHHH, Ambien KILLS me! I would wake up and 1/2 a loaf of bread (EWWWWW!) had 'disappeared'.

    My old t told me she had a patient who worked the night shift and took it during the day to sleep. She showed up at her office and said, "I think I just got in an accident". yup. Good stuff.

    I know you're going though a tough time. Lock &bolt your doors and hide your car keys :)

  7. GBML: once, i woke up and noticed a slew of chinese food around my bed. evidently, i'd ordered the food, received it (i hope i was dressed!) and ate it. this was when i'd just moved to the neighborhood, and in my waking moments, didn't know of any chinese restaurants. that was in my big drinking and heavy ambien dosing days. i didn't think i'd have this reaction on .5 mgs. i called my therapist and told her what i did and i'm bringing the rest to her tomorrow. i'll miss the sleep, but it really effects me badly. i feel awful today. did you stop taking it?

  8. I highly recommend Ambien if you need help falling asleep Ambien is great, I bought it from WWW.MEDSHEAVEN.COM no prescription required. MF

  9. Ambien Not a Long Term Solution I do not take Ambien now, but I took it for about 3 weeks in April 2002. It was effective for the first 10 days, helping me fall asleep in just minutes. But after 3 weeks it no longer helped me sleep at all. When it did work, I only slept for about 5 hours. I would not recommend Ambien to anyone as it can be addictive even though it loses its' effectiveness in a few weeks.

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