okay, what's next?
i write a lot about how my weight consumed me my whole life. it was my relationship, my career, my hobby, my extra-curricular activities (binge, purge, starve, (in my thirties) drink tons of wine, binge, purge, high-powered, laxative, starve, inebriate.... you get the idea) -- my everything. at first it was just food and then, of course, i added drugs and alcohol.
that last paragraph was actually really easy to write. i know all about this stuff. yes, indeed, that's been my life.
the very hard part -- what do i do now. i'm not drinking or drunking and my weight's pretty healthy and generally stable. getting a full life is such a foreign idea. what on earth IS a full life?
i can get a little envious when i read about ED sufferers who have OTHER hobbies and interests. some people get into cooking (too terrifying for me), others have families and actually know how to parent, people take photographs, enjoy trips, publish books, etc.
i hold a job now, but that's been difficult too -- my resume has lots and lots of gaps. i've spent a lot of time in bed, weak from starving or puking all night.
i have a boyfriend, my first real one at 44 and a half, but am often not even sure what to do with him.
i've signed up for a writing class in manhattan, hoping to improve my writing and to meet some new people. that's a start.
still, i'm pretty flummoxed. but i do know that i don't want the next years to be anything much like the last. brave me!