Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Living Little

okay, what's next?

i write a lot about how my weight consumed me my whole life. it was my relationship, my career, my hobby, my extra-curricular activities (binge, purge, starve, (in my thirties) drink tons of wine, binge, purge, high-powered, laxative, starve, inebriate.... you get the idea) -- my everything. at first it was just food and then, of course, i added drugs and alcohol.

that last paragraph was actually really easy to write. i know all about this stuff. yes, indeed, that's been my life.

the very hard part -- what do i do now. i'm not drinking or drunking and my weight's pretty healthy and generally stable. getting a full life is such a foreign idea. what on earth IS a full life?

i can get a little envious when i read about ED sufferers who have OTHER hobbies and interests. some people get into cooking (too terrifying for me), others have families and actually know how to parent, people take photographs, enjoy trips, publish books, etc.

i hold a job now, but that's been difficult too -- my resume has lots and lots of gaps. i've spent a lot of time in bed, weak from starving or puking all night.

i have a boyfriend, my first real one at 44 and a half, but am often not even sure what to do with him.

i've signed up for a writing class in manhattan, hoping to improve my writing and to meet some new people. that's a start.

still, i'm pretty flummoxed. but i do know that i don't want the next years to be anything much like the last. brave me!


  1. Good for you for signing up for that writing class!

  2. You'll be fine, Melissa. The sweet beauty of all of this is that you are free to discover who you are, and what you love to do. What gives you pure unadulterated joy? Maybe buy a camera and take pictures. focus on little things that have your own unique perspective. Maybe take a drive to the country or to a light house, or just putter a beautiful old antique shop. Go to little downtown shops, discover wonderful new little things, read great books, catch up on movies you hadn't seen. The writing class sounds wonderful.

    I can't wait to go on this journey with you. Nothing is holding you back, girl. Go with it, enjoy your life.

  3. Just want to say i really enjoy reading your blog. Your candidness is so refreshing...and i like that you express your struggles in a non-triggering way! I just relate...a lot. To the ed part at least. I feel the same as you in that I don't really know what to do with my life...what my interests truly are since my life has been filled with this 24/7 for so long!!! Ugh. So I hear ya. Good luck with the writing class! :D

  4. I understand your feelings all too well. The ED consumes a lot...and re-finding interests (or, hell, finding them in the first place) is really confusing. I end up beating myself up for not having any passions. Always the self-beating. I think all you can do is what you're doing -- take small steps to explore. The writing class may be great for you. I guess it's like experimenting. You probably didn't jump full force into your ED or drugs or alcohol or any of that; and you won't get full force back into "life." It takes time to get comfortable. I'm not there yet, either, if it's any consolation. We're all in this together.

  5. W-wait. We're supposed to know what do do next?

  6. just eat it: i am excited about the class. i plan to have fun without having my usual expectations. i love buying notebooks and perfect pens and caring them around with me when i get ideas. i've been reading a lot about history lately and have an interest in writing a historical novel. but there are those expectations. i have to remember to go to class with an easy,open mind.

    karen: there is a whole world out there that i often don't see. usually, i keep my eyes down and stay in my thoughts. sometimes when i'm in the car while traveling new places, i actually keep my head buried in a book. i wonder what that's about.

    Girl: thank you for visiting the blog. so glad you don't find it triggering. i am starting to fill my life, even if it just means reading books that aren't about eating disorders. that is very new for me. it may not look like much to others, but it feels extraordinary to me. doing one little thing differently is more than it may seem. and i really like YOUR blog.

    kim; it is great consolation to have everyone, even though i wish we weren't going through this! it's almost surreal that soo many people feel so many of the same things. another example that this is a disease -- there are very common symptoms. in my last comment i wrote about reading different and new things -- maybe it is just the tiny, small steps that lead us forward. hmm. as always, great points, kim

    D.M. i see your point, yet, it's not quite about knowing what to do next. it's more about wanting to want to do something, anything other than obsessing about food and weight, binging, purging, starving, weighing ourselves. does that make any sense? i love your perspective.

  7. Yep- I'm sort of waiting to figure this out, too. I'm very proud of you for taking the writing class. My involvement with writing has really been my lifeline.

  8. Carrie: thanks for stopping by the blog. i'm really looking forward to the writing class. it's Creative Writing, and the description just sounded - well...dreamy, actually.

    i do know i'm making steps toward having a real life -- i wish i found it more interesting and challenging (as my boyfriend does. he's curious about everything.) i must give it time.