The New Appetite Suppressant

Just read an article called "The Skinny on the new Diet Pill" about Belviq, a new appetite-control drug.

The odd thing is that when i was eating compulsively (and would easily have been considered obese), i NEVER ate out of appetite or physical hunger.

Food meant comfort, (temporary comfort, which is why i kept eating -- i only felt soothed whilei eating. The minute i stopped swallowing, all the emotional pain came back.) That's what i did my whole life -- i ate, hoping to soothe.

And i ate so often, I never actually had any hunger to control

I did have one happy year between compulsive eating and constant starving. It was junior year of high school. My mom was living in Manhattan with her boyfriend and i was in NJ living with my dearest, best friend Frank, who was two years older and had taken a year off between high school and college.

i loved Frank more than anyone and knew he loved me unconditionally. We had a great year. I played hooky much of the time and he and i hung out in the park, he taught me to drive, we went to movies every day and we ate together.

Yet, i was so content, I ate naturally. without thinking or trying, i began to lose weigh, without thinking or trying t. i also began, for the first time, to make friends in school and to enjoy myself and to think of things other than food

For once, I felt safe and secure and lived in a happy home.

Senior year, Frank left for college and my mom came back to Jersey with the really awful boyfriend.

Out went peace, ease, tender loving care and using food for tasty fuel. Back came food as loving mother, caring lover, best friend and everything else in between.

Except for junior year, i NEVER ate from appetite or hunger. i ate for comfort.

Does the new appetite-suppressing pill come with a loving family, dear friends and a therapist?

My Family's Food Writing

I do enjoy good food writing -- the authors have such warm and lovely relationships with food (and the writing is usually quite good.)

Often in good food writing, the author will call to mind gorgeous memories of meals from youth. Their own mouths water remembering their mother's pies, their father's barbecue and grandma's meatballs.

When i call to mind early meals, i think of large, fast consumption and larger fights. We stuffed down meals along with all the bad feelings between my parents and passed down to us.

Food was used to anesthetize all our emotional pain (physical pain too -- feed a cold, feed a fever, feed a broken leg.)

i don't have fond memories of anything my parents made, although they were both excellent cooks -- my mother could make a brisket like nothing anyone's ever tasted and there were no more fluffy pancakes than my dad's. i knew they tasted good, but i just remember furiously stuffing and stuffing down whatever was put in front of me. no amount was ever enough to make me feel better.

Now, i pick up a fine chef's or restaurant critic's musings on food and meals and I relax into a place where food is cherished and nourishing and beloved. it's nice

The End of Money

By the end of next month, I will have spent every last penny my mother left me when she died six years ago. Hard to believe I could just plow through it, saving absolutely nothing.

I'm curious why i lived in the lap of luxury for six years, barely saying "no" to myself, but i did.

All I have is right now to start making changes and, of course, I don't have a choice. whether i like it or not, I must learn to live within my means. I don't even have any credit, so driving myself into debt (fortunately) isn't an option.

Anyone got any suggestions about budgeting?

Self-care

Life's been rather over-scheduled for the last week -- between work, AA commitments, volunteer work, family stuff etc., i've barely had time to wash my hair, let alone run an errand or do laundry or get to the bank.

i particularly dislike the days when i leave my house at 6:30 am for work and don't get home until 11 pm or so. That's how life's looked the last week. My hair's getting kind of dirty.

The guy I date has the same commitments as I do, so we've seen each other all the time for the last week.

i've lived alone for so many years and mostly, i grew up with just my mom and me in the house. With that history, I've gotten used to lots and lots of time to myself. It kind of feels mandatory

i (blissfully) thought i'd have tonight to myself but had forgotten about an AA commitment, which i like -- working with family members of alcoholics. i co-lead this meeting with a friend who doesn't drive, so i'm picking him up right after work and driving right to the meeting, which is an hour from my house..

After driving my friend home at the end of the night, i should get home around...........11.

Throw in PMS, and i am getting pretty cranky. i feel desperate for time to myself.

How do mother's do it -- women who report not having a moment to themselves even to pee? i guess i'd make a very, very cranky mother.

the great news -- i don't have any plans for the next two nights. What a luxury to vacuum and take out my trash and sort through mail.

Clean hair here I come!

Observing Food and Weight

I do study how other women react to food and eating and their bodies.

Misery around food and weight ruled so many years of my life, i'm fascinated by what others experience/d.

From the Biggest Loser to the Food Network and everything/one in between, what do we think and feel?

Today, when I got the Post Office, I asked the woman behind the window how she was and she said, "i'm great now, i just had the best BLT". and she beamed. No guilt.

My boss talked about Taco Bell ALL morning. She couldn't wait for lunch and kept reminding me over and over what she wanted and how she wanted it ordered. "I can't even wait for lunch" rang out all morning.

Once i brought the food back, she gulped it happily until it was gone and then, "i'm so full. i can't believe i ate all that. i'm so fat".

It's "i'm so fat", that rang out all afternoon.

Our bookkeeper, Mavis, eats with love and joy -- lots and lots of fried food. She's diabetic and has high blood pressure and cholestrol, but that's her doctor's problem -- Mavis loves her food, and she couldn't care less that she's a large woman.

i have another colleague who's on The Cookie Diet -- all she eats is special cookies all day and then protein and vegetables at night.

My friend is on Weight Watchers, my cousin does Atkins.

I'm fascinated.

Excuses - Food and Weight

Dealing with a few stressors - I dropped a couple of pounds without trying.

Throughout the day today, as i start to worry about real issues, i think -- "well at least i dropped 2.5 pounds."

that's really old brain patterning -- thinking about my weight and not dealing with my problems.

Two and a half fewer pounds is NOT going to make my financial worries go away! is NOT going to make my boyfriend less angry. is not going to solve career frustrations.

Yet, some still dysfunctional voice in my head says, "but at least you lost the 2.5. without even trying"

I spent nearly all of my life avoiding facing and dealing with real life. i lived in my own fantasy world made up of a scale, laxatives and steamed vegetables. And so i never built a career, a meaningful relationship and turned to drugs and alcohol, spent myself into bankruptcy.... i'd do anything to avoid reality and, thus, had nothing to show for all my years of living.

What I do have is today to begin to act responsibly and make the necessary changes i need to support myself and develop honest relationships and find meaningful work.

What I can do today is start this process - no matter what i weigh.

Traveling on My Sister's Stomach

Last weekend, i spent a few days with my sister and niece in Philadelphia. It was a lovely weekend and I was thrilled to see them and to get out of town.

Re; Food, however, i actually felt a little off balance. i live alone and am not used to traveling on other people's stomachs. My sister and niece are ALWAYS hungry and always talking about food and their next meals.

>My sister is my polar opposite -- she never sits still, lives to exercise and clearly charges through calories at the speed of light. As a mom, she's always looking to feed her kids, athletic teenagers who are still growing.

>Between my sister and my niece last weekend, someone constantly needed a snack. And kudos to them, they don't eat like "girls" -- it's bagels and croissants and pasta and dessert

Next we come to me, a gal who's idea of exercise involves rolling over in bed. i'm excessively sedentary and have always leaned toward chubby when left to my own devices. as anyone who's read this blog knows, i held great disdain for my "chubby" and spent my life dieting, starving, binging, purging, eating compulsively -- it's been a long cycle of severely dysfunctional eating.

i'm pretty comfortable with how i eat these days and maintain a healthy weight by working to eat when i'm hungry and stop when i'm full. what i've learned over the years, kind of disappointingly, is that with my zero exercise level, sedentary metabolism and pudgy genes, i just don't get very hungry at all, and i'm rather quickly full.

As i'm comfortable at my current weight, 135 pounds at 5'6, which i've maintained for several years without bingeing, purging or starving, i listen to my quiet little metabolism and kind of graze.

i was surprised to find that i wasnt completely comfortable with the big food-oriented weekend - i hadnt thought it would get to me particularly. But as we ate breakfast with my cousins, my sister planned where we'd have lunch and dinner and breakfast the next morning and lunch and snacks (she is a planner extraordinaire)... i REALLY wanted to think about something else. i spent most of my life thinking about food and eating and not eating........and binging and starving and purging, of course.

Confession -- i found myself jealous that my family could spend soo much time seeped in food and food talk without feeling kind of uncomfortable. i try to make the whole food thing a small part of my life -- tasty nourishment, but that's as far as i want it to go really.

it was a grand relief to go back to my own apartment, knowing i'll eat meals on my own stomach.

i wonder/worry if maybe i'm unhealthily bothered but on the other hand, there were a few other things that also got to me.

i guess i'm just a confirmed bachelorette, all set in her ways. i've lived alone for the last 25 years and gotten used to doing everything my own way. Sharing a hotel room with sister and (messy) niece felt cramped. my sister snores and my niece kept the air conditioning cranked to frigid, so she wouldn't get a migraine. my sister wakes at the crack of dawn and likes to get rocking and rolling. And mom and teenaged daughter test

Yes, of course, i had the best time and came back relaxed and rejuvenated, knowing i'm loved by my two favorite gals. i miss them both and wish they lived right down the street.

just not with me!