is she binging?

Are you binging, lady in front of me on line at the Dunkin' Donuts?

As she steps up to order, something looks familiar to me. is it the way she orders so slowly and specifically -- the grilled sandwich, extra cheese and mayo, no make that two. well, three. but no ham on that third one, because, of course, it's for a DIFFERENT person (when i lived in nyc, i'd often order in my binge foods, often from several different places at once. . i'd pretend to ask MULTIPLE other people what they wanted, so the huge order would appear to serve many. i'd cringe when i saw they'd sent four forks or several fortune cookies or lots and lots of cole slaw.) or the way she sways from foot to foot, staring at the donuts, head moving - left to right to left?

i study her body -- she's tall and broad, thin on top and wide through the bottom. how does she feel about her weight as she asks for one crueller. and then a chocolate glazed, and then stops. "anything else", asks the cashier, as he starts to ring her order. "no wait," she says "add a plain bagel and, and butter on the bagel and, and an old fashioned".

"is that all", the clearly impatient cashier asks, as the line builds behind us.

she stares and waits and looks back and forth, left to right to left to right to left. her hands shake. "yes", i guess that's all", she sighs.

a second cashier heads to the front to help with the growing line. as i head to that register, i see the woman has left her keys behind, reminding me of the distraction of the call to gorge. i often left something at my corner store on the way to a binge -- my wallet, my keys -- so focused was i on getting to my carbs, sweets, salties, butter...

her keys in my hands, i go after her. "Miss, miss == your keys", i call several times. she doesn't hear -- she's staring into her bags - until i get to her car and hand them to her.

"do you want to talk?", i almost say. but don't. i walk away. perhaps she WAS just buying food for her family or snacks for friends.

still, i wonder.

blugh

Blurgh, blugh, argh, eek, grrr

that's how i'm feeling these days. stumped, stymied, stupid, scared.

i'm unemployed, need to find a place to live and am, basically, starting all over at 46.

boy did i lose myself along the way. i've acted unconscionably and wonder what happened to my moral compass.

the only place to begin is here. i'm job-hunting, apartment-hunting and SOUL SEARCHING.

i want to be a better person, someone who doesn't steal other people's vicoden, for example. UGH!!! did i do that? yes.

i've alienated some people along the way. i find myself unusually alone. why do i push people away?

a lot of concrete and spiritual work ahead.

BLURGH, BLUGH, ICK, EEK, AARGH, OUCH, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

for now

i've come up with a little plan. not having a plan was causing high anxiety and even some depression (i haven't been depressed in a long time, so that was very unsettling.)

i need time to get better. not too long ago, i was taken ill-gotten prescription drugs and i'm still drinking. while i was restricting with a mission for months, now mouth hunger steps up with a vengeance (and it does feel like vengeance.)

i'm looking into intensive outpatient programs for drugs/alcohol. i'm not taking pills now, but i do know i need to stop drinking. i'm okay with no pills, but i've definetely been using wine to numb the stress. it's not going to be easy, so treatment feels right. i exhibit so many addictive behaviors across the board -- spending, drinking, drugs, food and even relationships. like i said, treatment feels right.

it's suddenly apparent how ambivalent i've been about recovery. what if i don't have my addictions -- sitting with sadness? living on a budget? being sober in stressful, boring and well, all situations?

but life is getting on. i am NOT in my 20s or even my 30s. i'm unemployed and don't have real savings. so very much has changed in the last few month. i'm kind of overwhelmed, confused and sometimes lost.

instead of leaping back into stress, i'm thinking about looking for a part-time job and/or something really close to home and/or something very gentle if it's full-time. i need the time and space to do treatment and i need some money. i don't need to freak myself out.

in the mean time, when i'm eating out of mouth hunger, i make sure it's healthy stuff. if i'm feeling freaky, i head out for a walk or jump on the bike or just get myself out of the house. and i'm blogging.

so it's a little plan, but i remember it when i get too scared. this is just for now, and everything is okay right now.

it started with my body

Before there were drugs, before there was alcohol, and spending a fortune, before there were men..........there was my body, my eating, my weight.

i sit here, starting over. i don't have a job, i'm not speaking to my brother, i'm living with my boyfriend after having moved out.

i have no idea what i'm going to do next. and i'm gaining weight. i'm eating mildly compulsively after months of eating light.

everything in my life is in upheaval. this is serious. oh, and i'm gaining weight. what does that have to do with anything?

my eating disorder took my early years. i didn't care about ANYTHING but my weight. i didn't particularly develop skills or interests. ALL i did, and i mean all i did, was diet.

no self-esteem, no work ethic, no computer skills, no mature practicality.

i'm starting from a very early stage now. it is time to grow up. i'm going back to basics. where it all started.

i will eat. and i will learn to deal with computers. and i will get a job. and i will do something good with my life.

did i say that?

Here I Am

i haven't posted since May 1!!! How can that be possible?

it's been a whirlwind. moved out from the fiance's, moved back into the fiance's. left my job on VERY bad terms with my family and am now here, sitting at the fiance's racking my brain's -- what am i trained to do? who will hire me.

my eating disorder tries to kick in, but i almost can't be bothered. i've actually gained ten pounds since i left my job three weeks ago. starving won't get my life on track. neither will drinking or klonopin.

i WAS starving and drinking a lot and taking pills i ordered online. i truly hope this doesn't trigger anyone. it was pretty awful -- i was so miserable in my life and my job. anxiety ruled.

so here i am -- anxious. i was sitting at my computer thinking -- what helps when i'm anxious? writing on the blog. writing on the blog. writing on the blog.

i was an open wound. everything scared me. if i even read of someone else's problems, i had my own panic attack. i am an open wound right now, but i'm coping better. jumping on my bicycle instead of receding into pinot grigio.

this IS a new beginning, as my eyes are open wide to past behaviors. what was i doing? what was i thinking. even i can't believe the risks i took.

so here i am. beginning to learn to take care of myself. wish i learned it A LOT earlier.

age and my weight loss

again, i hope this doesn't trigger anyone. i have lost weight and need some support to get back to where i was. as i re-read what i've written, i fear it could be fairly triggering. i just need to tell someone.

i'm back from a trip to boston. boston was great -- we had time for tours and did tons of walking. i thought i ate a lot. regular lunches and good dinners, but when i got home, i'd lost another pound and a half.

i also drank a fair amount of red wine, which i'll get to later. that usually adds weight.

it's 88 degrees here. i put on one of my cute sleeveless dresses from last summer, and i looked awful. there is so much excess flabby skin around my upper arms. i looked like a very, very old woman. it scared me.

it looked so bad that i changed into a dress with some sleeves.

i got a massage the other day and the masseuse asked if i'd lost a lot of weight, as i had so much excess skin. (i wasn't really comfortable with her comments, but still...) i told her that i'd recently lost about ten pounds, and she said, "oh it seems like much, much more." OUCH.

it's different with age. when i was younger, my weight fluctuated huge amounts -- i'd gain 60, lose 70, gain 50, lose 40.... and my body was resilient. it sure isn't now.

i wonder if i've done permanent damage. i don't exercise -- maybe some weights would helps? if i gain back some weight, will it plump up my arms?

but i'm talking about exterior things here. what's going on inside? i have been really stressed and find i really don't have an appetite and then i guess i let that take over.

and it's sooo tempting -- this weight loss. even though i look icky-ish, somewhere, deep down in my brain and heart, i believe that skinny is best. it's sick!!!!!!

when i got back from my trip, i assumed i would have gained weight, because i really did eat and drink. but i knew i didn't want to have gained weight, even though i need to. when i saw the weight loss, i was....happy.

it's a distraction. the wine's a sedative.

i actually got my doctor to give me a few klonopin, because i was beside myself and i hoped that klonopin could make me feel better and help me relax enough to eat.

my doctor and my therapist made me promise and swear that i wouldn't drink. i promised and swore. and i drank.

i finished the klonopin. i didn't abuse it -- took it as directed. and it really helped.

now, i'm going to cut back the drinking from the three glasses of wine i've been having almost every day. and then i must get back on antabuse and stop drinking.

it's all so hard. but i have great hope. i won't give up. i just need to figure some things out -- ie, how to eat normally again.

thanks for listening. i've been feeling isolated.

These ^&*((* %$ Jeans

I hope this doesn't trigger anyone. i'm writing about my weight and some restricting, in hopes that i'll pull it together and get back some self-acceptance. Here goes;

I am letting a pretty small pair of jeans rule my life. actually, there are two pairs -- exactly the same size and make.

they're skinny jeans -- straight as my friend Kai's beautiful hair. i can wear them when i'm at a certain weight, which may be a good weight for some but is at least 10 pounds too small for me.

right now, i do weigh a certain weight, and the jeans fit like Calvin Klein sewed them onto me himself. as i am at least ten pounds less than my norm, all my other clothes swamp me.

it's too cold for my swingy summer dresses. i keep thinking that if it were warm enough to wear them, i'd eat more and not worry about fitting into the (&*%)^$& jeans. swinging dresses are forgiving.

i'm not eating much. stress plays into this. is it really about the jeans?

still, this is old and familiar. it's been a long time since i've focussed on staying small for my tall frame. i'm going back many years, and yet, it's so familiar.

i say swingy dress are forgiving. couldn't i forgive myself and let myself be?

how does one forgive oneself?