Thursday, April 22, 2010

These ^&*((* %$ Jeans

I hope this doesn't trigger anyone. i'm writing about my weight and some restricting, in hopes that i'll pull it together and get back some self-acceptance. Here goes;

I am letting a pretty small pair of jeans rule my life. actually, there are two pairs -- exactly the same size and make.

they're skinny jeans -- straight as my friend Kai's beautiful hair. i can wear them when i'm at a certain weight, which may be a good weight for some but is at least 10 pounds too small for me.

right now, i do weigh a certain weight, and the jeans fit like Calvin Klein sewed them onto me himself. as i am at least ten pounds less than my norm, all my other clothes swamp me.

it's too cold for my swingy summer dresses. i keep thinking that if it were warm enough to wear them, i'd eat more and not worry about fitting into the (&*%)^$& jeans. swinging dresses are forgiving.

i'm not eating much. stress plays into this. is it really about the jeans?

still, this is old and familiar. it's been a long time since i've focussed on staying small for my tall frame. i'm going back many years, and yet, it's so familiar.

i say swingy dress are forgiving. couldn't i forgive myself and let myself be?

how does one forgive oneself?


  1. You start by throwing out the pants. You need to buy cloth's that fit you. You need to make your body happy.

    I know that I'm not one to talk but that's what they tell me. Good luck and you should forgive yourself. And you should give your body what it wants to eat for health and well being.

  2. I have to agree that it starts with getting rid of clothes that you know aren't totally healthy for you. For a while, I didn't wear any jeans because just the feeling of the button against my stomach was anxiety-provoking. I existed in dresses, stretch skirts, and stretchy pants (which is actually "in fashion," conveniently). You probably are eating less because of stress, which isn't really that abnormal or weird on its own. The problem for people like us who have ED pasts is that what starts as loss of appetite due to stress spirals into past, bad behaviors. You know yourself super well, and you probably have to be really careful during stressful times to not be lured back to disordered stuff. Be kind to yourself, especially now. There's no sense in making things more difficult.

  3. I'm struggling with the same thing, but in my case I am letting the double-digit number on the scale rule my life. I can't seem to let it go now that it has happened. And since I got rid of all my skinny jeans the last time I weight-restored, I am now wearing leggings a lot, which only emphasizes my smaller size and makes me feel good.

    But then it doesn't make feel good, because in reality I look like crap and for me, too, it's starting to feel old and familiar. I don't think this is really about the numbers or skinny jeans for either one of us. I think it's about accepting ourselves, and forgiving ourselves. But for what? For taking up space in the world? For the past mistakes? Or being haunted by past hurts? What causes us to slip back when we know it will hurt us?

    But remember what you recently wrote on my blog - there is always hope. Be kind to yourself, and that include working with someone if you need to. Don't wait until it goes too far.

  4. I don't know how one can forgive themselves. I guess you have to start knowing that there is nothing wrong with you/your body in the first place. You're made perfectly, and are here to do something that only you can do. Don't beat yourself up over clothing! (:

  5. eating alone: yes, i must get rid of the pants. perhaps a pre-teen boy could use them.

    still, it's hard. women have been increasingly telling me that they are jealous of my weight. doesn't make it easy! why does the world love skinny?

    kim; yes, stress is not helping anything. my stomach is one giant knot with lots of turbulence. still, the siren song of those jeans is... well, complicated. i'm going shopping this weekend for clothes that fit. i hate pants shopping. hate, hate, hate. i may need to buy a pretty top, just to make myself feel better.

    the stress kind of continues. my ambiguity about current issues confuses things and confuses everyone. i've always sat in ambiguity for long periods of time. pushing things too fast doesn't work well for me. but my process can be hard for others.

    and yet, i need clothes that fit properly too.

    angela; yes, there are real similiarities in our situations. right now, i have an event that i want to be really thin for. the reasons for that are ridiculous and wrong.

    i promise myself that after this event, next friday, i will eat well and toss the jeans and give the scale the finger.

    i wonder if i will. yes, i do believe in hope. i have a very good therapist. i'm just in the middle of a backslide, and i will come back. some things need to be resolved and then i HOPE to keep working and to get better.

    shae adele: it is hard, though, isn't it, to really have forgiveness and body acceptance. in my head, i know i look just fine ten pounds up, but i am, unfortunately, enjoying this weight.

    there is a lot of forgiving to be done, particularly around my late mom. this time of year -- near mother's day and her b'day-- emotions heighten. and too, my mother LOVED me really thin. here at nearly 46, i have to keep working on separating from my mom and my memories of her.

    thanks for your support!

  6. I'd definitely get rid of the jeans. The temptation otherwise it to always challenge yourself to fit into them. Plus it is unlikely in the circumstances that you will put on weight in the summer for the dresses because everyone likes to be slimmer in summer in general.
    Get rid of the jeans and weight until you're at your right weight again however long that takes, then get yourself some new gorgeous jeans (still skinny ones if you like) that are a bigger size. That way you will only ever challenge yourself to fit in them. This will stop you being too thin or getting bigger and being unhappy then too.
    Also, how to forgive oneself is still something I'm working out too, but hopefully we can get their together.
    Will keep following :)
    Gecko x
    Gecko x

  7. I had a pair of pants that were so narrow and thin that my legs looked like strips of licorice when I wore them. However, to look like that I was seriously underweight and had head problems. As sad as I was when I got rid of them for good (temptingly they hung in my wardrobe like thinsperation) I was relieved that I no longer felt that compulsion to keep wearing them.

    Get rid of them. Just let yourself be you. Honestly, it is just so much of a relief.

  8. gecko; i'm planning to look for new pants today. still, what's worse than pants shopping? i'm also planning to go out for dinner tonight and enjoy myself. i've really lapsed back these last, i'd say, two months. getting ready to get back to a saner place.

    forgiveness -- ahhhhhh. it's fleeting. i'll keep following you too.

    linda; thank you. it's crazy to hang on to these small clothes. i just tried on last years pretty summer dresses, and they all hang. it makes me look older, and i don't know why i'd be interested in that! last year, the dresses looked cute and sexy. now, they look kind of blah and frumpy.

    i do have plans for eating well again. and sleeping. and, TMI, but with everything going on, i think i need to introduce imodium into my reportoire. it's been a stressful stretch!

    thank you for your, always, wise words.

  9. How does one forgive oneself? When you find the answer will you tell me? We are always so much harder on ourselves than we are on others. Can you have a conversation with yourself and pretend you are actually talking to a friend? What would you say? Would you listen to you?

  10. harriet, i have thought about your comment all day. forgiveness. i feel selfish in some of my actions now. is that forgivable? what would i tell a friend -- i would say these are difficult times and situations and my friend was trying to do the best she could, although her instincts take her astray. (see that last part was me hammering me.) i need to think about this more. thank you for this. you are a very wise, smart woman. i admire the work you do with yourself. i think i need to work harder.

  11. Thanks for this post. I've not got rid of my skinny jeans but I did go out and buy jeans that fit with room to spare. Two pairs.