i didn't weigh myself. again, it was harder than i thought. my dear boyfriend did something with the scale -- i have no idea what, which is great. thank you, dear.
but there's still the issue of my brother's scale. he lives next door to me and they leave their door open. i was home later than them this morning and the temptation was huge. at one point, i was going over there BUT
Harriet at http://harrietmwelch.wordpress.com/ (forgive me, can anyone tell me how to cut and paste a link?) agreed to stay scale-free with me today and knowing she's out there kept me off the scale. it's great having a buddy.
on another note, i have been so busy and my travels have kept me away from my computer most of the time. i miss having time. starting tomorrow, i will get to read all the blogs i love. yay!
today was a really long and stressful day. i'm almost too tired to write. i feel like i'm just rambling but i wanted to say, I DIDN'T WEIGH MYSELF TODAY.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Sunday, August 2, 2009
the scale: a tough time getting off
does anyone have any ideas how to help me stop weighing myself? does one day at a time help? did anyone go "cold turkey"?
each night, i tell myself i will not weigh the next day, but upon waking, i pee (of course) and pop off to the scale.
every day there's a new reason just to have a little peek. how can i put aside all my excuses and respect myself enough to start my day sans scale?
this weekend was busy with events -- my cousins wedding and my boyfriend's fathers birthday (a buffet.) my cousin's was easier, because the foods weren't my favorites. somehow, that took the "pressure" off. i ate enough to curb my hunger and then got busier re-connecting with family. the buffet was hard -- no matter how much i watched, i ate more than i like in a normal day. and it was at 4 -- a weird time for me to eat.
do i need more help with this? because i am a normal weight and don't binge, purge or starve, perhaps i think i'm doing better than i am.
it's getting really old. i am tired of having my days and nights ruled by food and weight. BUT AM I TIRED ENOUGH TO LET IT GO?
each night, i tell myself i will not weigh the next day, but upon waking, i pee (of course) and pop off to the scale.
every day there's a new reason just to have a little peek. how can i put aside all my excuses and respect myself enough to start my day sans scale?
this weekend was busy with events -- my cousins wedding and my boyfriend's fathers birthday (a buffet.) my cousin's was easier, because the foods weren't my favorites. somehow, that took the "pressure" off. i ate enough to curb my hunger and then got busier re-connecting with family. the buffet was hard -- no matter how much i watched, i ate more than i like in a normal day. and it was at 4 -- a weird time for me to eat.
do i need more help with this? because i am a normal weight and don't binge, purge or starve, perhaps i think i'm doing better than i am.
it's getting really old. i am tired of having my days and nights ruled by food and weight. BUT AM I TIRED ENOUGH TO LET IT GO?
Thursday, July 30, 2009
my weight -- continued
i'm blown away by how addicted i am to the scale. it reminds me of when i gave up alcohol -- as much as i wanted that drink, i want to know that number. i REALLY didn't realize how hard this was going to be.
yes, i got on the scale today. twice. on my boyfriend's scale, i've lost two pounds. on my brother's, i've lost one. when i saw the two pound drop, i rejoiced. at my brother's, i had to convince myself that life would be okay.
this is not the way the rational part of me wants to live. SO,
TOMORROW I WILL NOT WEIGH MYSELF. it really is like alcoholism -- i have to take it one day at a time. do they have a Scales Anonymous?
of course, the big fear is all the weight i will gain if i'm not monitoring myself. i'm pretty convinced, i'll gain some. i long to eat more than i do.
unfortunately, i don't feel like i have the patience for mindful eating. i don't want to think about eating. i wonder why i'm so resistant. why does it scare me?
with all of this recent awareness that i'm feeling like a lunatic about my weight, i've been thinking more about food. perhaps my old compulsive eating tendencies are talking. perhaps, it's because i've let down some of my walls and my inner eater feels freer to express her desires.
when i talked to my therapist, i asked, what will i be if i'm not defined by watching my weight. she asked me what i liked about myself besides the fact that i've managed to maintain a decent weight? ...........Silence. but then i did think about a few things, and she suggested i repeat those things to myself when i start to worry about numbers, numbers, numbers.
i write all this and wonder if you, the reader, will think i'm having a meltdown. but i'm not -- this is the way i always think, but i just thought it was normal. i'm starting to seriously question it now -- it seems like progress.
well, enough of my meandering. wish me luck for tomorrow. i'll let you know. hope to make myself proud!
yes, i got on the scale today. twice. on my boyfriend's scale, i've lost two pounds. on my brother's, i've lost one. when i saw the two pound drop, i rejoiced. at my brother's, i had to convince myself that life would be okay.
this is not the way the rational part of me wants to live. SO,
TOMORROW I WILL NOT WEIGH MYSELF. it really is like alcoholism -- i have to take it one day at a time. do they have a Scales Anonymous?
of course, the big fear is all the weight i will gain if i'm not monitoring myself. i'm pretty convinced, i'll gain some. i long to eat more than i do.
unfortunately, i don't feel like i have the patience for mindful eating. i don't want to think about eating. i wonder why i'm so resistant. why does it scare me?
with all of this recent awareness that i'm feeling like a lunatic about my weight, i've been thinking more about food. perhaps my old compulsive eating tendencies are talking. perhaps, it's because i've let down some of my walls and my inner eater feels freer to express her desires.
when i talked to my therapist, i asked, what will i be if i'm not defined by watching my weight. she asked me what i liked about myself besides the fact that i've managed to maintain a decent weight? ...........Silence. but then i did think about a few things, and she suggested i repeat those things to myself when i start to worry about numbers, numbers, numbers.
i write all this and wonder if you, the reader, will think i'm having a meltdown. but i'm not -- this is the way i always think, but i just thought it was normal. i'm starting to seriously question it now -- it seems like progress.
well, enough of my meandering. wish me luck for tomorrow. i'll let you know. hope to make myself proud!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
me and my weight
today was the day i wasn't going to weigh myself. i had the whole thing planned -- deprogramming the scale. well, deprogramming me and getting off the scale.
what a miserable, out-of-sorts girl i was yesterday. why -- i've gained four pounds. yup, it ruined my day. i couldn't sit still. nothing felt good. i missed out on the sun, my good book, seeing friends.
it's been years, and i've worked on myself with care, but i still define myself by a number. it's crazy, destructive, a waste of time. if i weigh 127 or 128 it's a good day. 129 is an okay day. over that -- i fidget. it's great that i'm happy at 127, versus the 98 i used to love (a really low number for me. i look really skinny at 120)
what do all these numbers mean? 98, 120, 131? is the scale always accurate? why does it matter?
still, i actually thought i looked different with four more pounds. when i went into new york yesterday, i spent half an hour in front of the disgusting public bathroom mirror in the bus station trying to quantify the changes.
i hate living this way. it's too hard. i need to get off the scale AND allow myself to find a comfortable weight for my body and begin to accept who i am.
my first step - i told my boyfriend that i feared he wouldn't want me if i gain weight. he put his arms around me and said, i love YOU. i reminded him that i weighed ten pounds more when he met me -- would he be okay if i weighed that again? he said he couldn't tell that i'd weighed ten pounds more -- was i sure? (it was about 15 pounds more.) God bless him.
as ridiculous as this all sounds, the conversation helped a lot.
i'm being pretty honest here -- this isn't stuff i usually discuss, because i know it sounds certifiable.
i long to accept a heavier body -- it would make my life a lot easier. i look at happy woman who carry more weight than i and seem really comfortable.
this is a very old dream. i've always looked at plus-sized models and felt my body belonged there. i wrote about going to Lane Bryant and feeling more at home.
who knows. step 2. let me have a scale free day. maybe tomorrow.
what a miserable, out-of-sorts girl i was yesterday. why -- i've gained four pounds. yup, it ruined my day. i couldn't sit still. nothing felt good. i missed out on the sun, my good book, seeing friends.
it's been years, and i've worked on myself with care, but i still define myself by a number. it's crazy, destructive, a waste of time. if i weigh 127 or 128 it's a good day. 129 is an okay day. over that -- i fidget. it's great that i'm happy at 127, versus the 98 i used to love (a really low number for me. i look really skinny at 120)
what do all these numbers mean? 98, 120, 131? is the scale always accurate? why does it matter?
still, i actually thought i looked different with four more pounds. when i went into new york yesterday, i spent half an hour in front of the disgusting public bathroom mirror in the bus station trying to quantify the changes.
i hate living this way. it's too hard. i need to get off the scale AND allow myself to find a comfortable weight for my body and begin to accept who i am.
my first step - i told my boyfriend that i feared he wouldn't want me if i gain weight. he put his arms around me and said, i love YOU. i reminded him that i weighed ten pounds more when he met me -- would he be okay if i weighed that again? he said he couldn't tell that i'd weighed ten pounds more -- was i sure? (it was about 15 pounds more.) God bless him.
as ridiculous as this all sounds, the conversation helped a lot.
i'm being pretty honest here -- this isn't stuff i usually discuss, because i know it sounds certifiable.
i long to accept a heavier body -- it would make my life a lot easier. i look at happy woman who carry more weight than i and seem really comfortable.
this is a very old dream. i've always looked at plus-sized models and felt my body belonged there. i wrote about going to Lane Bryant and feeling more at home.
who knows. step 2. let me have a scale free day. maybe tomorrow.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
on the road and out of sorts
i'm in alaska. i'm out of touch with my body.
i don't know if i'm hungry or tired or would feel better if i had a drink (i'm not drinking!). i am taking ambien again (damn).
before i left on this crazy business trip from new jersey to texas to alaska in four days (and leaving for new jersey tonight. 12 more hours of travel, returning on the red eye), i was in the best place of my life: i slept without sleeping pills (!), bought and started riding my FIRST bicycle, ate well and was enjoying my ever better relationship with my boyfriend.
just a few days later, nothing's in place. all this flying and time zone switching (we're now four hours earlier than home) has frightened my comfort zone, particularly as i just can't tell if i'm hungry or full or just tired and nauseous.
i'll be home tomorrow morning. i may not feel great for a day or two, but i'll be back on that bike and ready to roll back into good health.
aside from all this crankiness, seeing new places is cool. Alaska is extraordinary --the air, the mountains. After our meeting, we'll have time to explore. It's a whole different world.
Hope everyone's well. Back soon.
i don't know if i'm hungry or tired or would feel better if i had a drink (i'm not drinking!). i am taking ambien again (damn).
before i left on this crazy business trip from new jersey to texas to alaska in four days (and leaving for new jersey tonight. 12 more hours of travel, returning on the red eye), i was in the best place of my life: i slept without sleeping pills (!), bought and started riding my FIRST bicycle, ate well and was enjoying my ever better relationship with my boyfriend.
just a few days later, nothing's in place. all this flying and time zone switching (we're now four hours earlier than home) has frightened my comfort zone, particularly as i just can't tell if i'm hungry or full or just tired and nauseous.
i'll be home tomorrow morning. i may not feel great for a day or two, but i'll be back on that bike and ready to roll back into good health.
aside from all this crankiness, seeing new places is cool. Alaska is extraordinary --the air, the mountains. After our meeting, we'll have time to explore. It's a whole different world.
Hope everyone's well. Back soon.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
you don't have that kind of time.
"i remind myself i'm not lazy," said eve. "i'm on a spiritual path""
eve has taken a little time off from work. she's going through a HORRIBLE divorce. her ex is threatening. her last boss propositioned her. her finances are low.
but she doesn't want to work for now. instead, she's sleeping, hiking, meditating, reading Deepak Chopra, searching for grace.
it's working for her.
her words stopped me cold. i got goose bumps. i too am on a spiritual path, embracing calm and peace, becoming kinder, more patient, working to be non-judgmental, questioning old long-held beliefs. searching for grace.
a lot of things that used to drive me crazy about myself seem way less important. so what if i always lose the bathroom key at work, as my sister-in-law enjoys pointing out. yup, i lose the bathroom key.
so what if i'm terrible at washing dishes, quake at the sight of a spreadsheet, always spill food on my clothes?
i've always beat the shit out of myself for every little mistake and quirk. but they kind of get lost on the path to spiritual peace.
i've been reading my favorite Anne Lamott lately. Just because i love it, here's my absolute favorite Anne Lamott;
"I got obsessed with something my best friend had said right before she died, when she was in a wheelchair, wearing a wig to cover her baldness, weighing almost no pounds, but very serene, very alive. We were at Macy's. I was modeling a short dress for her that I thought my boyfriend would like. But then I asked whether it made me look big in the hips, and Pammy said, as clear and kind as a woman can be, "Annie? You really don't have that kind of time." I just got it. I got it deep in my being. And all of a sudden, two years ago, it began ringing through the chambers of my head again: You don't have that kind of time."
eve has taken a little time off from work. she's going through a HORRIBLE divorce. her ex is threatening. her last boss propositioned her. her finances are low.
but she doesn't want to work for now. instead, she's sleeping, hiking, meditating, reading Deepak Chopra, searching for grace.
it's working for her.
her words stopped me cold. i got goose bumps. i too am on a spiritual path, embracing calm and peace, becoming kinder, more patient, working to be non-judgmental, questioning old long-held beliefs. searching for grace.
a lot of things that used to drive me crazy about myself seem way less important. so what if i always lose the bathroom key at work, as my sister-in-law enjoys pointing out. yup, i lose the bathroom key.
so what if i'm terrible at washing dishes, quake at the sight of a spreadsheet, always spill food on my clothes?
i've always beat the shit out of myself for every little mistake and quirk. but they kind of get lost on the path to spiritual peace.
i've been reading my favorite Anne Lamott lately. Just because i love it, here's my absolute favorite Anne Lamott;
"I got obsessed with something my best friend had said right before she died, when she was in a wheelchair, wearing a wig to cover her baldness, weighing almost no pounds, but very serene, very alive. We were at Macy's. I was modeling a short dress for her that I thought my boyfriend would like. But then I asked whether it made me look big in the hips, and Pammy said, as clear and kind as a woman can be, "Annie? You really don't have that kind of time." I just got it. I got it deep in my being. And all of a sudden, two years ago, it began ringing through the chambers of my head again: You don't have that kind of time."
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Do You Own a Scale?
Question for my readers -- do you own a scale? (i understand if some of you find that a question way too personal to answer.)
if you feel like it, can you answer any or all of these questions:
how often do you weigh yourself?
do you keep throwing scales out and then buying new ones? and throwing them out and ...
do you wish to live a life without a scale?
what role does the scale have in your life?
what do you imagine happening if you didn't have a scale?
If you have any other thoughts about THE SCALE (it looms large doesn't it? well, at least for me), please send them along.
Thanks, guys. well, actually i think you're pretty much all gals
if you feel like it, can you answer any or all of these questions:
how often do you weigh yourself?
do you keep throwing scales out and then buying new ones? and throwing them out and ...
do you wish to live a life without a scale?
what role does the scale have in your life?
what do you imagine happening if you didn't have a scale?
If you have any other thoughts about THE SCALE (it looms large doesn't it? well, at least for me), please send them along.
Thanks, guys. well, actually i think you're pretty much all gals
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