THE BLOG HAS MOVED

The blog has moved to Wordpress. You can find me at ihatetoweight.com

I will be talking more about recovery, my own included.

Come visit. Hope to see you there

The Weakening of Women

When I walk into my Sunday morning OA meeting, I usually see about 40 women and 0-3 men. When I used to go to eating disorder groups, there were never ANY men.  More than twice as many women as men suffer from anorexia, bulimia or other disordered eating.

What this means is that most women (about 75%) are starving or bingeing and purging or living a life obsessed with calories. So much time is wasted and lost in trying to be thin. When I am weak with hunger, sick from eating and puking or just caught up constantly with the facts of my weight, I'm not contributing to my life, to others or to the world and it's people.

Throughout history, women have been valued for their beauty, while men have been valued for power. Beautiful women attracted strong men and together they had children, nurtured by the lovely women and supported by the strong man.

Times have certainly changed. Many women work, hold powerful positions and/or solely support their families. One would think that less value be placed on their beauty and more would be made of their strength.

In some ways, tho, the opposite has happened. Strong women put more emphasis on their looks than ever before, with botox and lasers and fillers, in order to  look beautiful and young. And thin - look at Kellyann Conway (would she have gotten the job is she looked like Chris Christie?) Nancy Pelosi,, Andrea Mitchell, and Anna Wintour.  Kate Middleton, the Dutchess of Windsor, Amal Clooney.

Our women get thinner and thinner, actually. Even Rachel Maddow (!) is skinnier than when she started out!!!

It sometimes seems like women are allowed to be strong (successful) as long as they are weak (skinny and hungry.) In this way, we aren't as threatening, I suppose.

I know for myself, when I was starving, i had the energy for NOTHING. For myself, I refuse to be nothing. 

Colon Cleanse

I am having a colonoscopy tomorrow. Oh, what that used to do to me. Colonoscopy prep involves a day of fasting and a night of consuming mass quantities of laxatives – equal opportunities for all eating disorders! The anorexic can fast, the bulimic can shit her brains out and the next day, the compulsive eater can binge, because she earned it!

And the promise of weight loss from laxative induced diarrhea. Oh boy, I seriously looked forward to the prep!!!! Gross.

Today’s it’s just an inconvenience. I have a lot of things I’d rather be doing tonight than sitting home pooping. And I’m off from work tomorrow, which means Monday will be a bear of a work day.

Different world.  

Help

When I started this blog some years ago, it was to write what I had been desperate to read many, many years ago - that someone else suffered as I did, ached like I did, was as lost as I was.

I didn't know anyone like me- not in grammar school when I stuffed and stuffed food in  to dull the pain of a miserable home; not in junior high school when I was tormented by my peers and tormented at home, gaining 25 pounds with each grade. Not in high school, when I stopped eating because I was too tired of being over 200 pounds, Not in college when I gained back 80 pounds in 6 months of NON STOP eating. And not in my 30s when I starved and binged and purged out of every orifice I could.

Being well and at peace,  I wanted to give solace and hope to anyone who suffered in anyway as I did.

When I started writing again recently, I asked myself - what's my point of view. And that's what it is - how can I help?

Pain

"I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with the pain."  James Baldwin

And boy did I hate. Of course, I loathed myself for bingeing and purging. When I was starving through anorexia, hunger made me furious, and I hated the world . I hated my mother for everything and blamed her for all my problems. I resented my beautiful blissfully married sister and my happy, successful friends. I seethed about bosses and men, as a category, and hated the doctors and therapists, who didn't know what to do with me.

Few escaped my wrath. I lashed out, bitter and self-pitying, always the victim. My fury agitated me to a place of unbearable discomfort, and so I reached for food and more food and more food until I couldn't breathe or think or feel - blotting out the world and it's people.

Hate masked the pain. Food masked the pain. But it was still there.

Until I dealt with it, I was doomed to repeat. Blessedly, I can face it. I can be free. I don't have to hate. And I never have to repeat again.

Food is Food

Such a wonderful three-day weekend. I feel like I've "been on holiday".  I saw friends and family, rested, read, and SLEPT!! ahh........

Early-ish in recovery, it got easier for me to have zero food issues on weekends like these. I'd be happy and present and peaceful and....easy, with everything.

The next step was being easy all the time, even when stressed, sad, angry, exhausted.  I used to think  I needed food to relieve my difficulties, when in facts, no amount food heals stressed, sad, angry and tired.  Chocolate chip cream does not heal pain.  In fact, after I've sucked down a ton of it, the pain is worse! It's like giving a beautiful new car to someone who is dying of thirst. A new car may be nice, but it doesn't hydrate, not even a little.

I need to learn to face and deal with fear, sadness, loneliness, tired...Then, I can get through it and come out the other side.  If I don't face it, it's still there, and I will eat over it, once again.

Food is food.

Food in it's Place; Not the Love/Hate

Last night, I had dinner with family and friends. It was a lovely meal,  however, after dinner many complained that they had eaten way too much and were way too full. Others chimed in that they "hadn't stopped eating" since Thanksgiving and felt gross. With January 1, they were turning over healthy new leaves.

This is never my experience anymore. I never over-eat, because it's not worth it. Having spent most of my life thinking obsessively and exclusively about food, I  treasure the joy of being free of it.  Once, I lived with constant guilt shame and remorse because of the amounts I consumed.  I don't have that now, because I don't care to eat more than my body wants and needs.

In this way, I know peace. And food has no influence over me. It's just food - nourishment and fuel that, hopefully, tastes good.

I don't get excited about food - it holds no special pull. Yes, I enjoy a tasty meal, but I focus more on the company, the surroundings and any other joy I can take from the evening.

Many people love food and make it a big part of their lives, and good for them.  But that's not a luxury I can afford. The less I focus on eating, the better it is for me.

Other people have other ways of making right their relationship with food. This is what works for me. 

Resolution

The number one New Year's resolution, apparently, is losing weight. Isn't that bizarre, when you think about it? Of all the things we could hope or dream to change and make better with the gift of a new year, most of want.......weight loss.

We sure don't dream big, do we?

For many, many years, my entire life's goal was to be thin. For me, that was as good as it got. I didn't pursue a meaningful career, a fulfilling relationship, and I certainly didn't reach out to help anyone else. 

Barely, a life.

So, this year, I resolve to pursue my true dreams. I have an interview next week for a volunteer spot with the National Eating Disorders Association, I am going to blog every day, and look for any other ways I can help those who suffered as I did.

I also resolve to be kinder, more considerate, less selfish, more patient, tolerant and loving to all. Now that's a REAL challenge. Losing weight's got NOTHING on kindness. (Or patience!)

That's a life.

Care and Feeding

I have a cold with a runny nose and a stuffy head,achy bones and tired body. Just home from work, I'm going to have hot soup with crackers, hot tea with lemon and a hot bath with bubbles.  Then I'm off to bed. 

This is not how I would have treated myself, when sick, back in the days of the eating order, 

I remember suffering a raging stomach flu when  I was anorexic. I also remember eating mass quantities of raw vegetables, because that's all I ate.  And I so looked forward to those veggies. It didn't matter that my stomach revolted. Trust me, raw broccoli is of  no help to a stomach virus. But eat it I did. In mass quantities.

When I was bulimic and had a root canal, I still made myself throw up all night. That's what I did, no matter what. I binged until i couldn't move, and then purged until I felt empty - root canal or no root canal.

What a miracle, and I don't take it lightly, that I can take normal, nice care of myself.. I never thought it  would be possible and easy. But it is.

Why Skinny?

I was in Manhattan yesterday and everywhere I looked, I saw a super-skinny, exquisitely dressed, incredibly chic woman.  And when I say “super-skinny”, I mean pretty literally toothpicky.

Now I’m sure there are exceptions, but REALLY – is anyone that thin naturally?

So the question becomes – why do a large group of women want to be that skinny? These women on the Upper Eastside, where I was visiting,  have the means and often, time, to look anyway they like, and this is what so many choose.

I’m an average weight now, but once I weighed 40 pounds less, and I was STARVING all the time.  I thought that was somehow virtuous. I called myself “good” if I didn’t eat.  I called myself “fat fucking pig”, 

The thinner I got, the better I thought I looked and I would do anything to stay skinny.

 For breakfast, I ate the paper wrapping of a muffin. I’d head to Dunkin Donuts, order my black coffee then stand for a few minutes, pondering which flavor of muffin to order – kind of silly, considering I really did just eat the paper it came in. Lunch was iceberg lettuce and raw veggies with balsamic vinegar.  For dinner, perhaps a coffee yogurt, preferably frozen so it would last longer, more veggies, and then my big reward – one oreo cookie.

I was dizzy and weak all the time but even more, I was angry. I hated everything and everyone, particularly anyone who seemed comfortable eating. If you offered me food not on my “plan”, I resented you even more. How dare you!

Finally, I couldn’t live that way anymore and I began to binge constantly. Terrified of weight gain, I discovered bulimia and purged as often and as violently as possible.

It was a horrible, miserable, sick existence, but I did it for years. To stay thin.

Desperate not to eat, I turned to alcohol, hoping I would drink and not eat. And stay thin. Finally, I discovered crack cocaine, which killed my desire for food and got be back to skinny . But  then it wasn’t just weight that I lost.

I lost everything.

Of course, all those women I saw yesterday most likely do not struggle as  I did or perhaps not even at all, but I still want to know why skinny is their ideal.

Or anyone’s.

Celebrity Skinny

I spoke at an AA meeting this morning. In the front row, I noticed a woman who looked incredibly familiar, I was sure I knew her from somewhere - did we go to high school together? Maybe I knew her from a different meeting? Was she a friend of a friend?

After a few minutes, I realized I recognized her because she was a celebrity, although I couldn't remember her name, so I kept shooting furtive glances her way. Looking more closely, I saw she was very, very pretty and very, very, very thin. "Ah," I thought, if she's that thin, she's definitely a celebrity. (Whenever I've seen celebrities, they are always startling thin.)

By the end of the meeting, it came to me who she was - indeed, a celebrity. But I also wondered the same thing I've always wondered - why do we want our stars so thin, particularly women?

I've never understood the super skinny ideal - it's so unnatural to most people, especially grown ups. And what about celebrities who have had babies and are then expected to be supermodel skinny immediately? It sounds excruciating.  And speaking of supermodels, why do they have to be so skinny?

Does a woman have to be starving to be famous? And if, why?

Does it end? Or not?

I'm okay with my new current weight.  I'm definitely bigger. My jeans are tight, but that's why God made leggings, of course. So, that's okay.

Trying on dresses at Marshall's today, the saleswoman recommended I buy spanx. I was okay. Of course, I'm never going to wear spanx (I'm all about comfort, thus the leggings), but I could deal with the fact that spanx might now improve the way i look in a dress.

So, right now, I'm okay. But the trend has been upward and onward in the weight department, and I promised myself I'd keep on this mission until my body found it's real comfortable place to rest. And so I worry a bit.

I'm still completely happy with the way I'm eating. My relationship to food is excellent - it's fuel and I like it to taste good.

But I can't deny the niggling concern that this upward trend won't stop and I'll gain and gain and gain until I'll be asked to purchase an extra seat for myself on an airplane.

Still, I won't stop this process. I have always, always related to larger women, knowing that I am meant to stand with them. I need to work on the confidence to go home to where my body wants to be, wherever that is.

The journey continues...

An Untraditional Thanksgiving

I used to hate Thanksgiving. Loathe.  It terrified me, the compulsive eater, anorexic and bulimic. I'd go, eat wildly, hate myself, go home and keep bingeing, Then followed  a night over the toilet, forcing myself to puke.

Regardless of where I stood in my eating (disordered) career, I tended to ruin everyone else's Thanksgiving too. The last year of my mother's life was the height of my bulimia. It was clearly going to be my mom's last Thanksgiving, her very favorite holiday. I went (my sister would have killed me if i hadn't), but I was awful. I complained bitterly that they were forcing me to binge by serving such fattening food. Ahead of the dinner, I begged that they make only steamed vegetables and turkey and became infuriated when they didn't. I believe I thru a tantrum during dinner - my mother's last holiday.

Now, I can't tell you the last time I went to a Thanksgiving meal. Last year, I went to an AA meeting with a friend. Other years, I've worked, volunteered or stayed in. Delicious.

Free of the chains of food addiction, I could go and be just fine, if I chose to. If my best friend came home for the holiday, I would love to go to his family's. But he comes in for Christmas, and there's really nowhere else I'd rather be on this day.

Today, I slept until noon (!!!!). It doesn't get better than that - I could stop there. I drank coffee, read a good book, watched game shows (my absolute guiltiest pleasure) and then met with a sponsee, always rewarding.

Now, I'm home, heading to a bath and the aforementioned good book. A delightful day. Never thought I 'd say that about Thanksgiving.

To scale or Not to Scale?

I admit that I’m still weighing myself occasionally. I want to see what happens when I’m free with food, but perhaps that means I’m still tethered to a number.

The rule is that no matter the number, I can’t change how I’m eating.  And I must make peace with any number at all.

Right now, the number is staying about the same, but that's happened all along the way to my current weight. I'd hover around a number for a while, then go up a few pounds. My gut tells me there's more to come.

Perhaps, I am afraid. Mostly, I think I'm curious to see my what body does when it's allowed to do what it wants. 

I do LOVE the way I’ve been eating and realize that I used to eat less than was satisfying. Now, I’m completely content. There’s no desire to overeat or to eat when I’m not hungry, and I’m feeding myself more happily.

Should I put down the scale?

New Thinking

I now need to get over caring so much about how I look. It’s too consuming. Growing up fat with frizzy hair and braces and acne, it was REGULARLY pointed out by my schoolmates that I was not attractive in any way. That was many decades ago, but it’s stuck in me somewhere.

Even today I’m overly concerned with how I look, and it’s more concerning with ten extra pounds, a REALLY bad and unmanageable haircut and many new lines on my aging face.

But I am determined to get to a new place.  I am fine. 

Yesterday, I spoke at an AA meeting in NYC. Although I’d live there for 15 years, I’ve been living in West New Jersey with woods as my backyard for the last 10. Walking through Times Square, I started doing what I’ve done my whole life – comparing myself to other people, even men! Who was thinner, more stylishly dressed (hello, everyone!), cooler, more sophisticated, who had better hair (with apologies to my hairdresser, everyone!)

And then I stopped myself. I haven’t been in NYC in many years – what was I doing?!!! I wasn’t seeing anything.   I looked up, and saw all the marquees for the great shows on Broadway – all the major hits, new and old. I saw the famous old restaurants and gaudy newer ones.  I listened and heard all different languages and accents and remembered that these people had come to this place because it’s amazing and exciting and extraordinary. What was I doing comparing my shoes to the lady standing next to me?

What am I doing with my life, who am I helping, how am I contributing if I’m spending so much time worrying about a bad haircut that will grow anyway?

That’s a good place to begin……………..

Let the Journey Begin - Bring on the Weight

I have stopped dieting, really difficult for me. And I've gained 10 pounds, also difficult - BUT life is truly too short to spend tethered to a scale and restricting food.

I’ve loaded up on leggings (the old jeans aren’t willing to zip), but more than that, I’ve loaded up on determination – no scale is going to own me!

The fear is, where will it end – will my weight climb to old highs? While I hope not, I just don’t know. And I have to let go.

We’ll see where this goes…. To be continued

Making Peace

Who would have thought that I’d be more comfortable with FOOD than with my body? After a lifetime of constant food obsession, the idea of freedom would seem inconceivable, but blessedly, it happened. However, I was sure that if food wasn’t an issue, everything would fall into place and I’d be divinely (and I do mean that in the spiritual sense) and naturally thin.

But did I forget the peasant stock I descend from – healthy folks who were naturally hearty, not thin? Did I forget that I’d rather do just about ANYTHING other than exercise? Did I mention I’m in menopause?

And so the ten pounds have stuck.

Last night, I dreamt I ran into an old boyfriend and we talked, covering a lot of ground. But somewhere, in the middle of the rambling dream, I did of course have to mention that I had gained ten pounds.  How crazy.

Time to work on getting truly comfortable with my body AND time to start thinking about some truly important things like volunteer work,  career, friendships…

Weight - I've Got a New Attitude!

Annoying, but my weight still influences my life. While I’m comfortable with food and certainly never binge or use food for emotional reasons, I’m still focused on the size of my body.

I’ve gained ten pounds this year and weigh the most I’ve weighed since losing 100 pounds 25 years ago. While not completely sure where the weight came from, I chalk it up to age (how did I get to be 52?!) and being a little looser with food.

I’m really enjoying my new, more relaxed approach to eating. I let myself eat a little more and more varied foods, and it’s nice; however, I’m less intrigued by the ten new pounds.

The ten pounds, themselves, are okay – I’d kept myself pretty thin for me, and I am in my 50s and heading into perimenopause, after all  – but I don’t want to gain more and more and more. Where will it stop?

Where is the healthy, sane place? Do I accept my new body and keep my happy new eating habits? What if I continue to gain weight, but don’t want to change my food intake?

My boyfriend doesn’t care and isn’t remotely less interested in me. (He’s less excited about my new and unflattering short haircut, but that will grow.) 

Yes, I’m less comfortable physically (belly roll, bra strap marks, etc.), but that doesn’t make cutting back calorically seem worth it. I’m happy in my life and just not interested in getting back into that consuming weight-watching lifestyle that weight loss would require.

Guess I’ll stay the course. Happily.

Smile, pretty

Last night, I went to pick up Chinese takeout. I heard the guy in front of me leeringly tell the girl behind the counter that she had a beautiful smile. She looked uncomfortable and said, “I guess the braces worked.” He didn’t want to leave. I kind of pushed him aside. The cashier looked relieved.

Let’s look at this interaction more closely. She is 18, tall, blonde and beautiful. He looked to be about 50, with bad skin, beady eyes and mild body odor.

And yet, like most men, he truly THOUGHT HE HAD A CHANCE!

After the guy left, the lovely young cashier told me she gets hit on all the time.  She said, “I wish, for once, guys would just come in and get their food”.

What is it with men? First of all, she’s pretty much a child.  Second, she’s really, really pretty – pretty much out of most guys league.

After I left the Chinese restaurant, I went to the drugstore. The pharmacy tech was young, very handsome and very sweet. He made me feel very old.  It didn’t occur to me to tell him he had a beautiful smile, nice hands, great hair………

What is it with men?

The Residual Effects of Fat Shaming

In my last post, I talked about fat shaming. I sure got a lot of it when I weighed 80 pounds more than I do now. Everyone had an opinion on what I should or shouldn’t eat. No one seemed to have any inhibition about sharing those opinions either.

My life turned on shame and guilt about my body size and what I ate. Eventually, I stopped eating, hoping to get skinny and to get the great life I assumed would be mine. I’d have a terrific boyfriend, a wonderful career, great friendships and an easy life. Instead, I found anorexia, bulimia, alcoholism and drug addiction.

What if I’d been left alone about my weight? Who knows?

I’ve come a long, long way and consider myself pretty healthy today and very pleased with my relationship with food. I truly see it as fuel. The obsession is gone, and I get to live a full life.

There’s one niggling little issue tho. When I weighed more, I believed fully that I was unlovable. I was sure no man would want me -- I didn’t even go on my first date until I was 36 and finally thin.

I’ve been thin a long time now, but with age, I’ve been gaining some weight. I still have my free and easy relationship with food, and I’m not eating any differently – but my hormones sure are changing. Even my friends who have always been naturally thin have picked up weight in their 50s.  It’s normal, and I have decide whether to eat less and/or exercise more OR deal with the extra pounds. Not a big deal.

I know it’s fine. I know I’m fine BUT, that old, “will he still love me….?,” starts to creep in. Which is ridiculous, as the guy I date couldn’t care less about what I weigh. He doesn’t even notice AND my weight gain has certainly not dulled his passion!

Old beliefs die hard.  Yet, they’re worth losing, once and for all.