Thursday, October 1, 2009

wuz up with my eating?

i've slowly been losing a little weight. i know this because i've been weighing myself every day.

my inner ED is leaping around. wheee. "good girl, there ya go. keep it up and we can get back to a nice little weight. just remember, give in, one little bit, and all is lost. weight loss is hard, but it's very, very important. above all -- stay vigilant and eat as little as possible."

scarey, isn't it, that the voice is just right there. for all the work, it's just right there.

i stare at my flat stomach, enjoying the lack of lumps. my jeans are tight nowhere.

i have to get past this. way too much attention's going into what i'm eating and weighing.

in pittsburgh with my family and fiance, i ate heartily and went on with activities. my niece and i fairly raced through dinner, so we could get back to her room to chat.

in a week or so, big events take over. we've got a big blow-out 50th anniversary party and a big wedding, back to back weekends. at both events, i'll be the only one who only speaks english and most likely, the only one who doesn't drink. AND OF COURSE, i anticipate loads of food. even if i eat nicely, it's still a lot of work.

then work's travel season starts galore. i'll be on the road with the my brother and sister-in-law for the best of five weeks. they both have pretty bad tempers. if you've read my blog for a while, you'll know that he's all about major food, and she's all about wine. if you've read my blog for a while, you know i'm two weeks shy of five months sober, and wine is my drink of choice.

the upside:

for now, i'll be okay. i ate a solid, real lunch today, we're going out for dinner tonight, and i'll eat more than i've been eating at home. besides, i'm losing patience with all this food and weight shit.

at the events, my fiance, D., will drink minimally as he is driving. he will speak english to me. he loves me.

this month's travel covers California and North Carolina. it will be warm. i'll have tons of time to read on the plane. i'm traveling back alone from california, which i usually enjoy. (i can't figure out an upside for their tempers. they fight with each other constantly and everyone else too -- barrista's at starbucks, hotel clerks, airport agents. very, very unpleasant.)

i'm going to the bookstore soon. the work day is almost over. my laundry's done.

anyone else wish it were a little easier just getting thru the moments?


  1. Well, last night, as a substitute for a nutritional meal, I ate a nice load of chocolate followed by water crackers dipped continuously in a choice of eggplant dip or hommus dip (both lovely and oily). The night before was a similar feast. I enjoyed every bit as I now know how much to have (as opposed to a BINGE).

    But today the urge is ignored and I am just back to eating healthy food. For most of the time I am mindful of what I eat - for health reasons. So, a few days of munching randomly is fine.

    The wine thing is hard. I never drink (social outcast) as it makes me very ill. It took a long time to get used to being the non drinker in a group of drinkers.

    Take some good books with you. Do some writing. Allow yourself a bit of indulging. Everything in moderation. You are doing so well.

  2. If you know that your eating what you need to and still losing a little weight, talk to your dietician. You may be where you need to add more food or it might just be a temp. body thing.

    GREAT JOB on the drinking! I can't imagine working on two more dificult things at once! Keep fighting. And try and stay off the scale. Scales are for fish!

  3. thank you, linda. you're wise indeed, as always.

    i went to the bookstore yesterday and started loading up. when i travel, even for long business trips, there are always many more books than clothes, and that probably includes underwear.

    eating alone; oh you made me laugh really loudly at work. thank you!

    i do need to look at my eating. i forget to properly "fuel" my body and start thinking about the weight thing sometimes.

    working on everything IS hard. i also stopped taking klonopin at Christmas AND, drumroll, have been off crack for over two years.

    Hey, i'm not so bad. Thank you!

  4. Wow, sounds like a really stressful time coming up for you. I think it's great that you are thinking ahead and coming up with coping strategies to deal with these people and situations. I so admire you for getting off the klonopin, the crack, the wine - everything. That's quite a feat and you should be proud! You're definitely not so bad, quite the opposite.

    I also wish it was a little easier.

  5. Whoa Nelly that sounds like a busy few weeks ahead of you. You can do it - be extra nice to yourself.

    And I am certainly very glad to hear how much you've accomplished in just two years. *Cheers*

  6. I think you are doing very, very well. Even we non ED sufferers relish a smaller number on the scale, and feel just a twinge of self reproach as we scarf down something rich and heavy on the calories. But we still do it. And live with the tighter pants.

    I'm glad your fiance is such a great source of support for you. He sounds like a very good man. I'm also glad to see that he has gone from Boyfriend, to fiance. Congratulations, to the both of you.

  7. Hey, there. You know what? I should tell you what I've been thinking. I've been thinking that I really like you. I like your blog. And I like your comments. And I can feel your energy through your writing and I can tell that you're just a wonderful person through and through.

    Congratulations on all the hard work you've done to free yourself from wine and drugs and get to the place where you were able to have a great time in Pittsburgh in a really authentic way.

    You do have a challenging, event-filled bit of time coming up. Try to stay connected with yourself, your core and just be real with your wants, needs, and limits.

    Hope you're having a great day!

  8. harriet; i really wish it were easier. planning for events and business trips is really quite hard enough without pre-planning for ED and alcohol and sleep issues.

    i travel a lot for biz, frequently thru different time zones. last year, i made it. this year, i'd like to do better than just "making it".

    lisa; thank you. there is a lot. and i just realized that i don't have anything to wear to a black tie wedding this weekend. so, on top of everything else, it all gets expensive.

    BUT, today is a beautiful day and i don't have to work and i have time to blog. i want to learn how to enjoy the moment i'm in more. (this is all free association.)

    karen; i always love to hear from "normal" women. you've often been a gauge for me. thank you!

    i keep realizing that i haven't written about being engaged. i think i'll do that. i'm thrilled. we're going great. and me, the least traditional of gals, well -- i worship my ring. (i come from a long line of hippies. i think my sister and cousins think it's a little goofy. i prefer to think it's because they don't have sparklers of their own.)

    so karen, love comes at any time. my guy is adorable, faithful, loyal,smart, funny... we've worked on a lot. he's more patient and communicative. and is a very good man. that's what will be there for you. well, i like you too! thank you.

    these last years have been something. i wasn't always a particularly nice person. i was so angry and miserable and self-protective and scared. i've worked so much on being a better person. it's extraordinary when someone sees that i am. your words are the greatest gift.

    hope you're having a great day too. it's very beautiful here in NJ today. i love, love, love the sun

  9. Wow, guess I should stop being such a wuss about quitting cigarettes. I think alcohol is one of the harder ones, as it is ubiquitious. Even cigarettes aren't everywhere anymore. Around my part of the world, weed is more socially acceptable, and I depend on that one too much as well. I wish you luck, hold on to your sanity, and I sympathize about bro/sil. My mom starts fights and argues with everyone, it's absolutely tiring.

  10. justjuliebean; i've heard that cigarettes are the hardest. i know someone who's trying to give them up, and she is really struggling. good luck with whatever you choose to do about your smoking.

    thank you for your support around the family stuff. i hate arguing -- to a fault. i think i back off too easily because anger scares me. my brother and sister-in-law scare me, indeed!