Monday, October 26, 2009

I was present

i went to a big, fancy wedding last saturday.

i didn't drink. i didn't focus on food. i was present.

it was a pretty awful event - an interfaith marriage, and the only people in the room who seemed okay with it were the clergy, and even then i can't be sure.

the groom's mother wept all night, and they clearly weren't tears of joy. the grandchildren wouldn't be jewish. his father scowled hard all evening. the cocky brother picked a fight with my fiance.

the bride's grandparents wouldn't attend. her mother roamed around aimlessly mumbling, "i've never seen anything like this before."

the bride is a lovely 23 year old woman. she's got a great career, speaks many languages, is very beautiful and she's very, naturally, easily thin. but i wouldn't trade places with her -- not with those in-laws. (the groom seems nothing like his family. let's pray that's true.)

i sat next to d.'s brother and his wife. they did not speak one word during the whole dinner. not to each other. not to me. the music was so loud that i couldn't really hear what anyone else at the table was saying.

but no matter who they were, what they were feeling and which religious/cultural background they represented, EVERYONE drank. hard. really hard.

one person at the wedding didn't drink. me. i was present.

it was the first time since i stopped drinking that i wanted to be drunk. other times, i've looked at nice wineglasses filled with merlot and thought, "doesn't that look nice."

not saturday. i wanted to be all boozed up and not painfully aware of the tension, the anger, the stress, the sadness, the pain.

but i didn't drink. i didn't use food. it was the first wedding i've been to that i didn't get wildly drunk and then go home and binge and puke.

i sat with the discomfort. the incredible discomfort for seven hours. it sucked.

but i did it. i can't tell you how proud i am.

each step is a new step. some involve great experiences; some are mediocre; some suck.

i can handle them all.


  1. Sometimes, I am most proud of myself during/after the suckiest of events. You'd think I'd get a surge from the "good" events, but those are more of a no-brainer for me these days. I'm more impressed with myself when I can handle discomfort. It shows so much about your resilience and determination that you got through it without alcohol or food. Big congrats!

  2. Wow. that sounds like a really stressful event. good on you for sticking it out...and staying sober.
    It is important to recognize when you are making progress. Thank you for sharing it bc positive attitudes can be contagious. i love that last line "I can handle them all"
    take care

  3. I'm very happy for you! You did great!

  4. Good for you!!! I'm proud of you, too!

    Just think... You are the only person there, who felt great the next day. Not hung over. Not pissed off, not dehydrated.

    You really have come a long way, and I hope you are truly proud. you deserve to be.

  5. ugh! Sounds awful! Glad you made it through.

  6. I'm so proud of you!! Some moments do suck ass but we get through them.

  7. What a horrible event. Wow, that should have been one of the best days of those people's lives and everyone was miserable. How sad.

    You deserve to be proud of yourself for enduring even one minute of that fiasco and staying sober. Good for you.

  8. Seven hours :o holy moly I think sitting that out was nothing short of miraculous!!!!

  9. O mi gosh I can't believe you stayed 7 hours!

    Watching other people drink and be miserable!

    Weight definitely has a strong backbone for miserable situations (wedding, cold calling, yelling boss)

    Cow would have given that wedding 2 hours, tops, then outta there!

    Cow hoping your life gets better!