Lessons Learned

being that i was at the end of my rope, i just let go....

early morning.

i'm at my job. it's 5 am. i don't like my job.

it's been an extraordinary learning process, though -- entirely humbling. it's really mundane -- filing, faxing, etc., and i'm not even good at it, which worries me.

i've been looking for other jobs, but the market's not great AND i really don't know what i want to do, and i don't want to just take some/any other job and end up unhappy all over again.

what do i learn here -- certainly the afore mentioned humility. sure, once i had big jobs in New York City, but the stress and drugs and alcohol took me down, and i started completely over (with nothing) in New Jersey, where i still prefer my VERY quiet life.

here at work, i'm the fetch-it girl. i go on coffee and junk food runs for my hungover bosses. i fly to the drugstore to get them their Xanax. and make multiple stops each day to satisfy their specific and disparate food needs.

and all the while, they complain about their weight constantly and talk about laxatives and cleanses and go on every different diet every different day.

it can't be coincidence that i -- an anorexic, bulimic, compulsive eater, drug addict and alcoholic -- spend my days dealing with highly cranky hangovers and scoring snacks and painkillers.

at first i found this nearly impossible and embarrassing as they special order EVERYTHING, whether they send me to KFC, the diner, the grocery store, McDonald's or all of the above in one day. it's chicken and rice soup without the rice at the deli and at KFC they make me hand pick each piece of chicken and on and on. oy.

one of the bosses makes me call to complain if the deli doesn't butter her bagel the way she asked or if the bread isn't toasted as requested or there isn't enough lettuce on her BLT.

and then there's the filing and faxing and answering the phones. i'm good at the phone but have always been challenged with paper work. Often, i let that define me and i feel badly about myself BUT THEN i stop and make myself remember that i AM not just a gal who can't fold paper neatly.

i'm a woman who cares about other people, who speaks publicly all the time at AA meetings, who gives rides to people who can't drive, et. al

being here has broken my heart over the last 7 months, as i've made so many dumb mistakes and been berated. i haven't been able to believe that this is where my life is at 47.

YET, the truth is, this IS where my life is at 47. i spent my first 46 years in some form of addiction, wasting opportunities and going nowhere.

along the way, i've learned that i CAN deal with people who talk endlessly about drinking and partying. i CAN deal with other people's food issues without it affecting me.

I NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE POSSIBLE. and i have been able to keep getting up every morning and coming to this place that i really don't like.

in the meantime, i keep thinking and praying and visualizing what i might like doing.

it's a lot of growth, whether i enjoy it or not. i CAN handle discomfort. i really can.

OA meeting.

so, i went to my first Overeaters Anonymous meeting, and i loved it. i have avoided OA all my life because i thought it was just another diet and probably cultish. but as AA changed my life (really kind of gave me a life) AND i know some incredibly centered and healthy and happy women who go to OA, i figured, why not -- give it a shot.

well, i gotta tell you -- i felt completely at home and welcomed and comfortable and right where i belonged. i felt even more at home than i have in AA, which is pretty cool.

the women at the meeting were telling my story. and telling a story of recovery. such hope.

i'm actually going to get a sponsor and see how it goes. AA gave me freedom from drugs and alcohol. i'm so interested to see if this will happen with food and AA

there were a number of women at the meeting who were addicts and alcoholics as well. and they agreed with me that food is the base of our problems -- the final frontier and where it all started. and they agree that it's, in many ways, the hardest. obviously, you can give up alcoholic and drugs, but we all have to figure out how to eat.

i'm really excited. my eating is ok, (i NEVER binge, starve or purge) but i can still have a funny relationship with food and still "use" it sometimes. i'm the absolutely healthiest i've ever been with food, but i want true ease and comfort.

i know there can be a lot of feelings against OA, and i've had them too, so we'll see.

for now, i'm feeling really positive. i'll let you know...

what am i crying for

ya know those days where you feel blue and your not exactly sure why you're blue today, as opposed to other days?

this would be one of those days. i'm weepy and gloomy and low and letting things bother me. i put a lot of effort these days into not feeling sorry for myself and playing victim, because that just makes me feel worse in the long run and does no one any good. (besides, i'm pretty lucky in the scheme of things.)

today, it's really worrying me that i need to lay out a lot (too much) money for my car AND i owe the IRS and now, an accountant, money.

i can just cover it, but it depletes my savings. and that keeps me stucker (i just liked the word) in a job i don't like too much, because it pays just a little bit more than others.

blah. boo. hiss. want a man who loves me.

oh yeah, and i cut my own bangs with "choppy" results.

there ya go. i think i'm done. THANKS, if anyone had the patience to listen.

i really feel better. i'm off to do some good. :)

Here

i haven't written in ages -- i haven't had anything much to report. Basically, I'm just living -- day by day. nothing too exciting happens; nothing awful happens. Basically, I'm just living -- day by day. some days are good, some are less good, some are a mix. what i'm learning is how to just -- be. i've really learned that the world doesn't revolve around me, and there's just about nothing that i can control. the earth will turn without me, the wind will blow and other people will do exactly as they're going to do, whether i like it or not. the more i've learned to accept this and to let things go and to face things with a more positive attitude, the better i do. the more gratitude i have, the better i do. if i'm grateful to have a job that pays for my life, i can't resent the job (quite so much. i'm getting better, but i'm sure not perfect!) it's been a difficult month financially -- turns out i owe the IRS money and my car is costing me almost more than i can afford. still, i'm eeking it out (let's just hope nothing else goes wrong.) but i'm handling it, knowing that for right now, i'm okay. re; food and weight. my weight is still up, hovering around the same 135. i'm getting more and more okay with it. i read a good book recently -- "Read My Hips: How I Learned to Love My Body, Ditch Dieting, and Live Large" by Kimberly Brittingham. The author decides to live and enjoy life, no matter her size. She explores her interests NOW, not waiting until she might, one day, lose weight. she wears what she likes, does what she wants and doesn't back down. the book was very, very inspirational to me. i need to live life right now. afterall, NOW is all I have.

Do I have to be thin?

When i think about working in the Eating Disorders field, i wonder what i should weigh, and does it matter?

during my worst struggling anorexic years, i couldn't take seriously a professional who carried "extra" weight. In fact, i found an over-weight person's suggestions frightening. why on earth would i do what they told me?

now, of course, i understand that anyone/everyone can help me. and there's nothing wrong with carrying any amount of weight.

but what about the still-suffering client? will she listen to me if she doesn't like how i look -- if it made her uncomfortable?

I worried, too, when i was still a little too thin. would i give a bad impression and look as though i were still disordered in my eating? as my weight climbed, i kept in mind that this new look was a better role model for my teenaged niece, who fights her own battles. how could i tell her she was beautiful and perfect, no matter how much she weighed, when i still looked a little boney?

but then is there only a very narrow amount that i can weigh?

i've always thought i'd have to be one exactly perfect weight (with a few pound fluctuation) for anyone to listen to me about eating disorders. but there i go again, putting myself in a tiny box where there's one teeeny, tiny area where i'm okay.

What do you guys think?

Big Beautiful Women

I get girl crushes on larger sized women -- i wish i felt the freedom to be one myself.

my body longs to be free. as i've mentioned before, when i've really left myself alone, my weight climbs and climbs -- all my Russian peasant stock ancestors were bigger folks, and i know that's what my body wants too. of course, i won't let it.

in the past, i posted pictures of gorgeous fuller-sized women on my refrigerator for encouragement. at my most anorexic, a glowing plus-sized model could make me weep. when i wore a size nothing, i'd buy Mode magazine for plus-sized women, and i'd pray for the courage and strength to let my body be where it belonged. Model Kate Dillon, in particular, was my glorious hero. she'd struggled horribly to meet the weight demands of the regular modeling world, but now worked so successfully at her body's larger natural size.

My boss, Ann, is exquisite -- distractingly beautiful. She's nearly 6' and fantastically strong. she, of course, thinks she's fat and has no confidence at all, but i find her eye candy. when she stands to her full height, with her waist length hair high in a pony tail and her cowboy boots planted firmly on the ground, i just think there's no better looking woman around.

i've written before about taking my niece shopping last year at Lane Bryant, where i felt absolutely at home -- to me, these were my peeps. i was the exact weight for this store when i was in my teens and part of 20s and then later 30s, but i never shopped there. instead, i'd try to deny my size and embark on my incredibly unhealthy process of slaving off the weight.

i wonder where i'd be if i'd learned to accept myself at a larger size. instead of dieting madly my whole life, what if i'd found Lane Bryant for myself and let myself be?

what does any of this mean for me now?

The Scale: Part 1. Trillion, that is

Yes, i got another Scale last month -- i really should buy stock in Scales. no one can count as high as the number i've bought(and thrown out) in my life.

i got The Scale because of the ten pounds i'd recently gained -- no matter how much i talked to myself, i couldn't convince myself that i wouldn't keep gaining weight until i exploded. unless, of course, i had A Scale. no matter what i said to myself about my body regulating to where it needed to be, i was absolutely convinced i'd keep gaining weight until i exploded. unless, of course, i had The Scale.

since i've had The Scale, my weight has stayed in the same few pound range. but how can i really know, as The Scale seems to have issues.

This morning i jumped on it, and it gave me a number and then an error message. so, i got on twice more, and i was seven pounds less than the original number. i walked away all happy -- woo hoo. but i didn't trust this number, as it did seem a little low. hopped on twice more -- four pounds up.

i decided to pick the middle number, as it seemed the most reasonable.

??????????????????

this is ridiculous. once more, i am chucking The Scale. It doesn't know my weight any better than i do. how can i put faith in a stupid machine that gives me 3 different readings, ranging 7 pounds, along with an Error message?

how indeed. here we go again. this is getting very, very old