Friday, September 30, 2011

Lessons Learned

being that i was at the end of my rope, i just let go....

early morning.

i'm at my job. it's 5 am. i don't like my job.

it's been an extraordinary learning process, though -- entirely humbling. it's really mundane -- filing, faxing, etc., and i'm not even good at it, which worries me.

i've been looking for other jobs, but the market's not great AND i really don't know what i want to do, and i don't want to just take some/any other job and end up unhappy all over again.

what do i learn here -- certainly the afore mentioned humility. sure, once i had big jobs in New York City, but the stress and drugs and alcohol took me down, and i started completely over (with nothing) in New Jersey, where i still prefer my VERY quiet life.

here at work, i'm the fetch-it girl. i go on coffee and junk food runs for my hungover bosses. i fly to the drugstore to get them their Xanax. and make multiple stops each day to satisfy their specific and disparate food needs.

and all the while, they complain about their weight constantly and talk about laxatives and cleanses and go on every different diet every different day.

it can't be coincidence that i -- an anorexic, bulimic, compulsive eater, drug addict and alcoholic -- spend my days dealing with highly cranky hangovers and scoring snacks and painkillers.

at first i found this nearly impossible and embarrassing as they special order EVERYTHING, whether they send me to KFC, the diner, the grocery store, McDonald's or all of the above in one day. it's chicken and rice soup without the rice at the deli and at KFC they make me hand pick each piece of chicken and on and on. oy.

one of the bosses makes me call to complain if the deli doesn't butter her bagel the way she asked or if the bread isn't toasted as requested or there isn't enough lettuce on her BLT.

and then there's the filing and faxing and answering the phones. i'm good at the phone but have always been challenged with paper work. Often, i let that define me and i feel badly about myself BUT THEN i stop and make myself remember that i AM not just a gal who can't fold paper neatly.

i'm a woman who cares about other people, who speaks publicly all the time at AA meetings, who gives rides to people who can't drive, et. al

being here has broken my heart over the last 7 months, as i've made so many dumb mistakes and been berated. i haven't been able to believe that this is where my life is at 47.

YET, the truth is, this IS where my life is at 47. i spent my first 46 years in some form of addiction, wasting opportunities and going nowhere.

along the way, i've learned that i CAN deal with people who talk endlessly about drinking and partying. i CAN deal with other people's food issues without it affecting me.

I NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE POSSIBLE. and i have been able to keep getting up every morning and coming to this place that i really don't like.

in the meantime, i keep thinking and praying and visualizing what i might like doing.

it's a lot of growth, whether i enjoy it or not. i CAN handle discomfort. i really can.


  1. Have you thought about going back to school and working as an addictions counselor? Seriously.

    This job in not you, and it is only temporary. You can do more if you want to, and use what you've learned there to move forward.

    I believe in you!


  2. Your job description sounds like mine, however I love my bosses. They really care about me and always let me know how important I am to them. It makes a big difference, because even though I am doing work that any 13 year old could do, I feel like they need me. I'm sorry you are hating your job day after day, it sounds very difficult.

  3. YOU are learning, growing, shifting and changing and life will mirror that one day.
    Just keep being you and allow yourself to dream.
    You will find something that makes you happy, that I believe <3

  4. Hello :)

    I think that Angela is right... you are not defined by your job at all and someday you will find just the right opportunity. For now, it sounds like going through this has made you stronger. I think it's great that you are on the lookout for something else in the meantime.

    Hope your week is off to a good start!!

  5. I fell onto your blog quite by accident. You are a wonder and an inspiration. Keep up the battle!

  6. I'm here to help--you have my number. Call anytime!

  7. We're blessed when we are at the end of our ropes. There is less room for us and more room for God and His will.

    I am glad you had to let go to whatever "your rope" was because when we let go and Let GOD... (or just let...) then we acheive freedom and realize we don't have to be grasping or holding on to anything.

    I had this realization a while back. Still waiting to let go entirely. I think I do, and then realize I was just letting one hand go or something. LOL. I know this was ages ago, but randomly thought of ytou today.

    Hope you are well, Melis.

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