Doing Fine

i'm surprised to find that i am fine. things in my life are definitely not perfect, but somehow or other, i'm doing okay AND i know that things will be okay. that's not my style. usually, i worry and obsess and 100% assume the worst, but these days, i figure everything will work out. last week, i wrote about the issues i'm having with this guy i'm seeing. yes, it's NOT a healthy relationship, and that's something i must address and take care of, and that's what i'm doing. my car keeps breaking down, and i'm really having trouble paying for all the repairs. but somehow or other, i know i'll get by. my mechanic's letting me do a payment plan, a friend offered to lend me money if needed and worst case scenario, i'll get an advance on salary at work. money issues are really pressing right now, all around. i'm kind of stuck in my job, because i can't afford to do what i really want and that's frustrating. yet, that's life; it's reality. always in the past, i would have used these tough issues as reasons to binge or starve or drink or drug. now, i'm learning how to face what life throws me and manage. it feels good.

Wrong Man

I need support. Sometimes, we tuck away our secrets, because we don't want to hear the response. Yes, I have secrets... One i never talk about anymore is how the man i date treats me. In the beginning, i shared his behavior with friends and my sister, yet when they all told me to run, to move, to fly -- i stopped talking. Now i live in silence. He berates me, criticizes the way i walk, talk, think -- always sort of making fun. And when he's angry, anything goes -- verbally. I've never been spoken to like this. I begin, finally, to see how it creeps into the rest of my life. my self-esteem feels slim these days. I hear myself berating myself. When pondering why i stay, there are reasons. Perhaps i begin to want to move, to fly

Kelly Clarkson Defends her Curves

I just saw a headline with that title -- Kelly Clarkson defends her curves. Why does any person -- man, woman or child -- have to defend his or her body, particularly as it's hurting no one?

I look at recent photos of Clarkson, she of the terrific voice and very popular music, and I see a woman who looks pretty much like most of the women i work with -- womanly. I like some of her songs, not all, but i'd like them just the same if she looked like Twiggy or John Goodman.

From what I've read, Kelly Clarkson struggled with her weight and always got kudos when she'd slim down. I don't know what she went thru, but i know i was anorexic and bulimic and 100% obsessed in order to keep myself thin. i, too, got lots of compliments, although i was miserable and damaging my body irreparably. once i stopped purging and starving and binging, i gained a fair amount of weight and ended up a healthy size 12. but the compliments stopped.

Kelly Clarkson is a musician, not a skeleton. This is a real question -- why does anyone care what she weighs? Do any of you have any guesses?

Lessons Learned

being that i was at the end of my rope, i just let go....

early morning.

i'm at my job. it's 5 am. i don't like my job.

it's been an extraordinary learning process, though -- entirely humbling. it's really mundane -- filing, faxing, etc., and i'm not even good at it, which worries me.

i've been looking for other jobs, but the market's not great AND i really don't know what i want to do, and i don't want to just take some/any other job and end up unhappy all over again.

what do i learn here -- certainly the afore mentioned humility. sure, once i had big jobs in New York City, but the stress and drugs and alcohol took me down, and i started completely over (with nothing) in New Jersey, where i still prefer my VERY quiet life.

here at work, i'm the fetch-it girl. i go on coffee and junk food runs for my hungover bosses. i fly to the drugstore to get them their Xanax. and make multiple stops each day to satisfy their specific and disparate food needs.

and all the while, they complain about their weight constantly and talk about laxatives and cleanses and go on every different diet every different day.

it can't be coincidence that i -- an anorexic, bulimic, compulsive eater, drug addict and alcoholic -- spend my days dealing with highly cranky hangovers and scoring snacks and painkillers.

at first i found this nearly impossible and embarrassing as they special order EVERYTHING, whether they send me to KFC, the diner, the grocery store, McDonald's or all of the above in one day. it's chicken and rice soup without the rice at the deli and at KFC they make me hand pick each piece of chicken and on and on. oy.

one of the bosses makes me call to complain if the deli doesn't butter her bagel the way she asked or if the bread isn't toasted as requested or there isn't enough lettuce on her BLT.

and then there's the filing and faxing and answering the phones. i'm good at the phone but have always been challenged with paper work. Often, i let that define me and i feel badly about myself BUT THEN i stop and make myself remember that i AM not just a gal who can't fold paper neatly.

i'm a woman who cares about other people, who speaks publicly all the time at AA meetings, who gives rides to people who can't drive, et. al

being here has broken my heart over the last 7 months, as i've made so many dumb mistakes and been berated. i haven't been able to believe that this is where my life is at 47.

YET, the truth is, this IS where my life is at 47. i spent my first 46 years in some form of addiction, wasting opportunities and going nowhere.

along the way, i've learned that i CAN deal with people who talk endlessly about drinking and partying. i CAN deal with other people's food issues without it affecting me.

I NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE POSSIBLE. and i have been able to keep getting up every morning and coming to this place that i really don't like.

in the meantime, i keep thinking and praying and visualizing what i might like doing.

it's a lot of growth, whether i enjoy it or not. i CAN handle discomfort. i really can.

OA meeting.

so, i went to my first Overeaters Anonymous meeting, and i loved it. i have avoided OA all my life because i thought it was just another diet and probably cultish. but as AA changed my life (really kind of gave me a life) AND i know some incredibly centered and healthy and happy women who go to OA, i figured, why not -- give it a shot.

well, i gotta tell you -- i felt completely at home and welcomed and comfortable and right where i belonged. i felt even more at home than i have in AA, which is pretty cool.

the women at the meeting were telling my story. and telling a story of recovery. such hope.

i'm actually going to get a sponsor and see how it goes. AA gave me freedom from drugs and alcohol. i'm so interested to see if this will happen with food and AA

there were a number of women at the meeting who were addicts and alcoholics as well. and they agreed with me that food is the base of our problems -- the final frontier and where it all started. and they agree that it's, in many ways, the hardest. obviously, you can give up alcoholic and drugs, but we all have to figure out how to eat.

i'm really excited. my eating is ok, (i NEVER binge, starve or purge) but i can still have a funny relationship with food and still "use" it sometimes. i'm the absolutely healthiest i've ever been with food, but i want true ease and comfort.

i know there can be a lot of feelings against OA, and i've had them too, so we'll see.

for now, i'm feeling really positive. i'll let you know...

what am i crying for

ya know those days where you feel blue and your not exactly sure why you're blue today, as opposed to other days?

this would be one of those days. i'm weepy and gloomy and low and letting things bother me. i put a lot of effort these days into not feeling sorry for myself and playing victim, because that just makes me feel worse in the long run and does no one any good. (besides, i'm pretty lucky in the scheme of things.)

today, it's really worrying me that i need to lay out a lot (too much) money for my car AND i owe the IRS and now, an accountant, money.

i can just cover it, but it depletes my savings. and that keeps me stucker (i just liked the word) in a job i don't like too much, because it pays just a little bit more than others.

blah. boo. hiss. want a man who loves me.

oh yeah, and i cut my own bangs with "choppy" results.

there ya go. i think i'm done. THANKS, if anyone had the patience to listen.

i really feel better. i'm off to do some good. :)

Here

i haven't written in ages -- i haven't had anything much to report. Basically, I'm just living -- day by day. nothing too exciting happens; nothing awful happens. Basically, I'm just living -- day by day. some days are good, some are less good, some are a mix. what i'm learning is how to just -- be. i've really learned that the world doesn't revolve around me, and there's just about nothing that i can control. the earth will turn without me, the wind will blow and other people will do exactly as they're going to do, whether i like it or not. the more i've learned to accept this and to let things go and to face things with a more positive attitude, the better i do. the more gratitude i have, the better i do. if i'm grateful to have a job that pays for my life, i can't resent the job (quite so much. i'm getting better, but i'm sure not perfect!) it's been a difficult month financially -- turns out i owe the IRS money and my car is costing me almost more than i can afford. still, i'm eeking it out (let's just hope nothing else goes wrong.) but i'm handling it, knowing that for right now, i'm okay. re; food and weight. my weight is still up, hovering around the same 135. i'm getting more and more okay with it. i read a good book recently -- "Read My Hips: How I Learned to Love My Body, Ditch Dieting, and Live Large" by Kimberly Brittingham. The author decides to live and enjoy life, no matter her size. She explores her interests NOW, not waiting until she might, one day, lose weight. she wears what she likes, does what she wants and doesn't back down. the book was very, very inspirational to me. i need to live life right now. afterall, NOW is all I have.