it's amazing, but i really don't care what i weigh. i really don't.
of course, i don't always know what i weigh anymore, so what's to actually care about.
the thing is -- i look fine, and i'll look fine if i get bigger. i trust (trust, me?) that i probably won't get too much bigger,anyway, because i pretty much eat normal-esque portions when i'm hungry and don't often get too full. why don't i get too full -- because it doesn't feel great and i like to feel good.
i find i don't need to feel so filled with food because my life is richer. i love and adore my new apartment, my new friends, my new attitude toward life. i am appreciative and grateful and see where things were once so much worse. and there are wonderful people in my corner now.
sure, i re-visited eating-to-soothe in the first two weeks of my new job. but it was okay and even manageable. yes, i chewed a lot of gum and sucked a lot of hard candies to calm my nerves and anxiety. did it help -- in a way, yeah. now, i'm feeling calmer and pretty darn good.
as i mentioned in my last post, i did note a few extra pounderoos when i jumped on my friends scale last week. but then i jumped off the scale and had dinner with that friend. life went on, i ENJOYED the evening and i was fine.
when i say i "enjoyed" the evening, i mean that i could be present and part of the conversation. we watched a movie, and i saw the movie. i wasn't worrying about what i'd weighed or what i'd eaten or what i'd weigh tomorrow or what i'd eat tomorrow.
talk about freedom.
re; my weight. i obsessed over every ounce of it for most of my life. even as i was healing and allowing myself to settle at a healthy weight, i still watched that weight with every inch of my 20/20 vision. even as i stopped throwing up and taking laxatives and binging and starving, even then i lived by the digits. when they went up, i'd freak -- sometimes a little and sometimes a little more.
i'm dating someone new, and he seems perfectly happy with my body. for some odd and unknown reason, i've been getting asked out a lot lately, which as i said in an earlier post, i find bizarre. people, i'm going to be 47 in June! no one asked me out in my 20s or 30s, and i was thinner then.
and there you go. nobody liked me more when i was supermodel thin. not one person, although i really thought they would. they didn't.
i CERTAINLY DIDN'T LIKE ME at all when i was supermodel thin and obsessed with weight, then drugs and later, alcohol.
now there's some peace. is there perfection? absolutely not. i'm a work in progress but now, i see a lot of progress.