Here I Am

Is it possible that i haven't posted in over a month in a half? Unbelievable.

Life has been busy. I did change jobs and am not sure at all that i made the right choice. This was a risk, and i knew it. i wasn't thrilled at my old job, and this new gig seemed like a potential opportunity. i wasn't all excited to start, but i thought it could be better than my last job AND it did seem to have potential.

the jury is out, way out, but i'm hanging in. to be continued i'm sure.

with the new job came some anxious times. prior to switching positions, i was sooo darn happy -- loving my wonderful new home, enjoying my freedom, loving my AA friends and feeling really free from my addictions, one and all.

once i started the new job, a lot changed and i've struggled some little bit with wanting to eat just to comfort myself. yet, i'm ok. i've begun finding balance again.

the schedule is really different. i have to be here at 7;30am, and i have nearly an hours drive. before, i got to work at 9;30 and it was 12 minutes away from the new home.

i'm a night person and dislike the morning. and i'm entirely bored at the job, so i started reaching for sucking candies and gum and coffee with my usual vats of cream. i'd suck and sip compulsively. yick.

for the first two weeks, i allowed myself to suck to my heart's content (discontent?). i had too much else to worry about.

and it was okay. was i thrilled? no. but i was thrilled that i could accept that i, temporarily, wanted external comfort, and it was okay that, temporarily, i gave in.

do i feel like i've gained a few? yup. and i'm still okay. in fact, i stepped on my friend's scale, and i saw that i did, indeed, gain a few. the miracle -- i'm still ok. i still don't have a scale at home. and that is, truly, a miracle.

i also had some thoughts of drinking, which i haven't had. it's been over six months (yay!). but i didn't drink. instead, i looked at my issues and worked on working them thru, versus trying to solve my issues thru a bottle, especially since that never worked anyway!

life isn't perfect. the important fact is learning i can cope -- without binging or starving or drinking or taking klonopin or ambien.

i'm okay. and that's wonderful.