Monday, March 29, 2010

i'm too cranky for myself, too cranky for myself...

do you ever get that way? cranky, cranky, cranky.

i don't want to talk to anyone or do anything or walk around in this particular skin.

i'm in nebraska on biz with the bro. my dear friend, eve, moved back here. i saw her yesterday. it was nice, but i'd had to get up at 3 am that morning to get to the airport to get to nebraska. i was really tired and also just overwhelmed with life.

yesterday, i was starting the crawl toward world crankiness. i complained to her and teared up and whined. then complained about crankiness, teared up about everything and whined about not getting enough sleep.

last night i was up ALL night with the runs. (sorry if that's TMI.) we had an early appt this morning. i concentrated heavily on keeping the eyelids open and the cheeks properly clenched.

we're leaving in a couple of hours to fly to chicago then drive for two hours.

i'm supposed to go have lunch with eve but YOU KNOW WHAT AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS -- i don't really feel like it. i want to go get my nails done and go to the bookstore and talk to NO ONE.

i can't believe that i'm not jumping at this chance to see my dear friend that i don't get to see anymore. is it because it's too sad to see her for just a few hours. have i toughened my heart to protect it?

have we grown apart a little?

am i jealous because she's in a great place spiritually, physically and jobwise? this is ugly and awful to write and i'm dying to delete it, but i swear, her inner and outer peace started getting on my nerves. see, re-read that last sentence. i really am a bad person and rotten friend.

i want everything for eve, but i'm not in a good place with any of those things right now, really.

i've been drinking again after ten months. can you believe it? i'm actually enjoying it (but of course). right now, it's one glass almost every night, but that always changes. then two glasses, to the cabernet races

i'm restricting, sort of. for a few weeks, i was too stressed to eat. it hurt my ulcer. then i had the colonoscopy. now, i'm traveling and not sleeping.

you know, it feels great to unload this crankiness. what will i write tomorrow if i don't sleep tonight?!

thanks everyone


  1. Oh yes, I have cranky days. I've realized since being on Lexapro that I don't have mopey days anymore, but I have bitchy days instead. Like before my woman time, I'm no longer feeling like I want to die, I am feeling like I want EVERYONE ELSE to die. Ha. I don't know which is better. Hang in there!

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  3. It's ok to feel like you need a day of space. It sucks not seeing an old friend but sometimes you just feel that way.

    Hope you feel better soon.

  4. Yes - I've been having several cranky days recently. It's okay; we're women and we can always blame on PMS. Or hormones. Or something. :(

    Seriously, there are days I could smack someone if they said the wrong thing to me. Today is one of them, so I'm probably not much help. But know I care and hang in there!


  5. I know I've had cranky days as well. You're entitled, we all are.

    I think you have a lot going on too, so give yourself that. It is hard when you feel like you should be enjoying things more but are not, but sometimes that's all it is.

    I do worry about you and the recent alcohol intake. Reach out and get help if you need it.

  6. Is it weird that I'm jealous of your drinking? I just read that and thought "oooh, I want to drink too". Don't worry, i'm well aware that I am an adult who is responsible for her own behavior. So don't worry about triggering me or anything. First of all, i am NOT an alcoholic (and I'm not in denial). I'm just someone who chooses not to drink because of poor choices i have made in the past while drinking. but I totally reserve the right to drink in the future if that is what I choose.

    Gaaah, why is everything always about me.....?

    I was wondering, do you take psych meds? Maybe there is something that could help with the crankiness. I know that feeling, like your skin is crawling and you swear the next person who pisses you off is going to get it. I get that way and I just wish I could hibernate until it passes. Sometimes just indulging myself in a "simple pleasure" can help. Like, even something as simple as an ice cold diet coke. Is there anything you particularly love that you could treat yourself to and consider it "therapy"?
    Just a little worried about you- take care of yourself :)

  7. kim; i was so, so, so sleep deprived. i got some sleep and the world is lighter. ahhhh.also got a little good news. more on that later. it has been a super stressful time.

    greenme? wonder who you are. maybe some of my blogger buddies know?

    eating alone; thank you for allowing me to be cranky and crabby. i did see my friend, but i also got some good time alone getting my nails done. best of both worlds!

    angela; hope today is a better one for you. i did get eight hours of sleep and feel lots better. i did eat a huge dinner, which is unusual for me, so i'm kind of dealing with that but doing the best i can. what more can i do. still, my spirits are up. may yours be too!

    tiptoe; you're so right about the alcohol. i'm working on changing my job responsibilites and not traveling. traveling really weakens me around all my addictions. reaching out is exactly what i need to do. thank you for noting that part of the post. it was a big thing!

    lisa; thank you for your concern. i do considerate myself an alcohol. i definetely considerate this a relapse. so sorry if there were any triggering. i do need to stop drinking.

    i do take lexapro and boy does it help. i had slept about four hours over two days and had stayed up with montezuma's very mean revenge one of those nights. a good nights sleep helps. also i now keep falling asleep in the car on the way to our next meetings. i'm not driving by the way!

  8. IHTW, My comment was totally dumb. I was just reading it and am embarrassed. I do always try to relate to people but i need to remember that everything is not always about me :)

    Do not worry, you did not trigger me.

  9. You sounded very pleasant compared to me when I get cranky, if it's any consolation. :)

  10. Glad you are feeling less cranky. But I wanted to say that you are not a bad person or a rotten friend because you may be jealous of your friend. I don't think it's jealousy actually. I'm sure you are very happy for her, you just want to have that too. That's not jealousy.

  11. Cranky is normal. Relapse happens now and then. The fact you speak about it says nothing but good things about how you approach it. Being aware puts a brake on what you do. A long time ago would you have even acknowledged what was going on internally for yourself?

    Maybe you should tell your friend how you feel. If my friend told me how she felt I would be full of empathy and compassion for what she was going through. I would tell her to run off an enjoy her time alone. I would want her to be happy. Maybe Eve would be the same for you.

    I hope you feel better now. Crankiness is usually short lived.

  12. Danger of overthinking this...probably, you are just tired, and that much traveling makes you want to just do the minimum.

    It's a lot of work meeting friends, being upbeat and chatty and friendly and smiley. Sometimes you just don't feel like it.

    If you had a week there, that would be different. Opinion: cancel.


  13. lisa; i so appreciated your comment. i am SO appreciative and thankful for everything you write and all your support. don't filter yourself!

    shae adele: i can get quite cranky. i was a really, really angry, on edge person until my late 30s. i work very, very hard to be a kind, gentler person. (isn't it odd that i'm 30 years older than you? interesting.)

    harriet; i am very, very, very happy for eve. she'd been thru such a rough time. i would just like some of that peace for myself. she's worked very hard and very patiently for hers. i need to start walking the walk more. i feel hopeful today. thank you for your support!

    cow; you're exactly on target. when i'm traveling, i prefer to vegetate in the tub with a book, whenever i have a free moment.

    i didn't cancel because i probably won't see eve again for a long time. she doesn't have any money to travel and i don't know when i'll be able to get back there, nebraska.

    thank you for allowing me to have the choice!!!!!!

    linda; my low feelings lasted longer than usual. that showed me i need to make some real changes in my life. i'm beginning that process, as you see in my next blog.

    eve is the most understanding person on earth. she's become very....ethereal (i don't know if that's the perfect word.) serene and centered works better, i think. i love her!

  14. just wanted to say that i am here and wishing the best for you....