this blog is dedicated to my cousin, who provided the answer.
I've decided not to apply to schools for September.
but that's not the real decision. the real decision is to take better care of myself. to learn way's of taking great care of myself and my body AND learning to find ways to deal with anxiety.
just the idea of applying to schools got me wanting alcohol badly, fantasizing ways to get klonopin and stressing out so i couldn't get food past my stomach. and didn't that idea, not eating, get way too interesting. i'm sick of this cycle.
in AA, there's a term, "a dry drunk". it's someone who's not drinking but who's also not immersing themselves in living a "sober life".
while i haven't been drinking, i haven't been going to AA meetings, because i don't love them. i haven't gotten the needed support and camaderie and discipline of checking in. i'm going to put my "not loving" aside and go to meetings until i find one and find people in them that help
i've gone to lots of parties with alcohol and out to dinners in fancy restaurants where drinking is beautified. it's very, well, intoxicating. i need to put my foot down and say, "i'm not going". no matter how very unpopular that can be. if my fiance's brother comes over for a boys night of watching sports and drinking, i need to stay at my own apartment.
sedatives. someone gave me an ativan the other day, and i took and it was bliss -- my heart didn't pound, my stomache didn't sear, i could focus. i started contemplating where and how to get klonopin. the addict in me can be so alive and well.
i've never really taken yoga or done much breathing or stretching or meditating. it's not valium, but it's also not addictive. i'm going to commit to whatever i can to find some means of help that won't end up in horrible withdrawals
food. i haven't been to a nutritionist since i was way too bulimic to care 15 years ago. my eating habits are... well, like mood swings. and they're probably too unstructured for this moment in my life. i'd like to see a nutritionist now, 15 years later, now that i don't think that a low weight equals the cure for cancer in importance. going to a nutritionist will be so hard for me. i don't even like to tell myself what i eat -- it's WAY too private for that.
there's more i'm sure, but it's late and i'm in a new time zone.
for now, suffice it to "say" that since i decided not to apply to schools, for now, i can and am eating again. and eating better than i have in a while. and i'm much less interested in the whole process of my weight, et. al.
thanks, cuz. and thanks to me too. great teamwork on this decision!