Monday, March 15, 2010

Big Decision

this blog is dedicated to my cousin, who provided the answer.

I've decided not to apply to schools for September.

but that's not the real decision. the real decision is to take better care of myself. to learn way's of taking great care of myself and my body AND learning to find ways to deal with anxiety.

just the idea of applying to schools got me wanting alcohol badly, fantasizing ways to get klonopin and stressing out so i couldn't get food past my stomach. and didn't that idea, not eating, get way too interesting. i'm sick of this cycle.

in AA, there's a term, "a dry drunk". it's someone who's not drinking but who's also not immersing themselves in living a "sober life".

while i haven't been drinking, i haven't been going to AA meetings, because i don't love them. i haven't gotten the needed support and camaderie and discipline of checking in. i'm going to put my "not loving" aside and go to meetings until i find one and find people in them that help

i've gone to lots of parties with alcohol and out to dinners in fancy restaurants where drinking is beautified. it's very, well, intoxicating. i need to put my foot down and say, "i'm not going". no matter how very unpopular that can be. if my fiance's brother comes over for a boys night of watching sports and drinking, i need to stay at my own apartment.

sedatives. someone gave me an ativan the other day, and i took and it was bliss -- my heart didn't pound, my stomache didn't sear, i could focus. i started contemplating where and how to get klonopin. the addict in me can be so alive and well.

i've never really taken yoga or done much breathing or stretching or meditating. it's not valium, but it's also not addictive. i'm going to commit to whatever i can to find some means of help that won't end up in horrible withdrawals

food. i haven't been to a nutritionist since i was way too bulimic to care 15 years ago. my eating habits are... well, like mood swings. and they're probably too unstructured for this moment in my life. i'd like to see a nutritionist now, 15 years later, now that i don't think that a low weight equals the cure for cancer in importance. going to a nutritionist will be so hard for me. i don't even like to tell myself what i eat -- it's WAY too private for that.

there's more i'm sure, but it's late and i'm in a new time zone.

for now, suffice it to "say" that since i decided not to apply to schools, for now, i can and am eating again. and eating better than i have in a while. and i'm much less interested in the whole process of my weight, et. al.

thanks, cuz. and thanks to me too. great teamwork on this decision!


  1. I'm SO happy for you. I'm glad you're taking time off to fix the problem rather than pushing on and pretending it's not there. I completely support you in your decision to become well, and if you ever need extra support or even just someone to talk, I'm always here. <3

    XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

  2. I'm glad you've made the decision you have. If it gave you that much anxiety, then it was definitely not the right time for it. Sad that doing something like this can trigger so many anxieties and desires to backslide.

    I'm proud of you, and am glad you have become so self aware. Good for you!

  3. Your strength--so admirable. Hats off to you, seriously.

    Yoga just might help, a lot. You need to find a yoga teacher you can really connect with, and they're like snowflakes--no two are alike. If you don't connect with the first one, try another class. I'm a (rather unorthodox) certified yoga instructor--you can search my blog for posts about yoga. Email me if you have any questions; I'll help you any way I can. XOXO

  4. I think it's great that you know what's good for you, and you're so honest about what you need to work on. School will be there later if you need it. There are so many great goals you have, health-wise and otherwise. Your strength and self-awareness are really inspiring!

  5. Great decision! :) I'm so happy that you're taking steps to stop this awful cycle. Schooling will never go away, but you're limited. Taking care of yourself is always the best way to go. Yay for YOU!

  6. I'm glad that you are able to make that difficult decision and be happy with it. You are so strong, and it sounds like you have great goals to take care of yourself.

  7. Well as a veteran of two grad programs (yes graduated from both of them) I can say that a lot of grad degrees don't improve your life much and lead to stress and wondering: if I worked so hard in school why can't I earn more money?

    Sorry, rant by under-employed over-educated worker here...

    Applaud your decision, and you can always decide differently in the future if you want. But it is very stressful working full-time and going to school also. School isn't hard but it is time-consuming, so for now, the decision that you are most comfortable with is the decision which is right for you.

    Hang in there.

  8. sophia: thank you for your support. it's been really hard making decisions lately. but when i do decided to put my health first, i can breathe a little better. it's nice to have people in my corner!!!!

    karen; i've been thinking about you. i've been reading your blog. we all have to make a lot of decisions don't we? sometimes it's hard to know when the time is right to do things. or not do them. i'm still thinking about what i'm going to do with my life (if i ever do manage to grow up) but i've really decided that my focus must be on my sobriety. and how to be clean and sober and eating well throw all sorts of stuff.

    Linda: THANK YOU. you are an inspiration all around. it's great to see how other women are triumping after rough patches.

    when i get off this traveling cycle for work, i'm going to get off my butt (quite literally) and find some very very beginning yoga classes. as soon as i get home this weekend, i'm going to look for AA meetings.that's a real priority.

    well, i'm rambling. thank you for being my friend.

    kim; am i self aware? all i know is that i've been struggling and i've been thinking about getting my toe back into unhealthy waters. it terrified me. i think this is base survival.

    i sense that once i'm feeling more grounded, other decisions will be less absolutely terrifying.

    you, kim, are the inspirational one!

    Shae Adele: yes, an awful cycle. it just keeps cycling in it's own insidious way. school will be there. and maybe i can stick a toe into that instead of into my addictions. lots to think about down the road. but for right now, it's all about keeping me safe and healthy.

    Harriet: thanks for calling me strong. i never feel that way at all. instead, i'm ashamed that i'm such a weak person who caves to my cravings. or at least desperately wants to cave. this has been an incredibly difficult time in a lot of ways. i think things might start to quiet, as i find some focus.

    Cow: i think you should get paid extraordinary money for doing whatever you want to do. who should i call about this?

    school and work sound overwhelming. i was hoping to get loans and fly thru the program as fast as possible with minimal work. i actually started talking to my brother about this. he's all for me going back to school instead of working for him full-time. i hadn't taken him into my confidence about this until yesterday. now, the cats out of the bag.

    STILL, me first. health, health, health.

    more later. i have to go to work. thanks for right, ms. TC

  9. I think you're making the right decision. While I am in awe of your ambition, I do sometimes think it is to disguise or not deal with something else, as you seem to have decideded. Taking care of yourself is so important, and being a non-drinker must be so hard, it seems like so much social stuff revolves around it. Best of luck!

    FWIW, I think I was such a crazy unhappy teenager/young adult partly because my nutrition was so bad. I'm not thinking that you have to pay the bucks to be analyzed by RD, but my life, moods, periods, everything you can think of got so much better when I started eating mostly whole foods, little junk (as opposed to the opposite, which is how I raised myself). And you'd be surprised how much the exercise takes the place of drugs I no longer enjoy, or consider too, um, exciting for me at this age. Yoga is awesome, I craved that most in my week off from the gym. You'd be surprised. It's not valium, but it's damn good, if you find some good classes. Amazing how different every teacher is.

  10. You go girl. Sounds like you're getting a handle on how to handle problems. Just remember...the God that made you can also be there to help you...and He will. I'm a follower now. Hang in there.

  11. I'm in the same herd with the Cow. Grad school=overrated. I've learned so much more via experience than I ever did earning that (very expensive) degree. Look at it this way, as you steer yourself toward the healthy person you so obviously want to be, you can volunteer in the area and see if you like it. Just keep walking your path. I wish you'd read your post and pretend it was someone else's blog. I bet you would write to her and commend her bravery, her authenticity, her persistence. And yeah- you're strong... you've endured all these burdens and you're still struggling onward toward the woman you want to be. I think that's what strong is. I admire you!

  12. julie: decisions are really hard. self-care has to come first. i'm doing pretty well, just dealing day by day. aaaaaaaaaaah. EVERYONE recommends yoga. thank you for your insights. i need to eat more regularly and move my body more. now, to make myself do it! you're a role model with your eating and exercising.

    covnitkepr1; thanks for stopping by my blog. i appreciate your support. i guess i am getting a handle on things. right now, i'm surprising even myself. i pray for the strength to be the best person i can be. i pray to be a person who can have a strong sense of self and who can then pay it forward.

    danielle; so good to hear from you. i've missed you. you are sooo right -- i would give everyone else so much more credit than i give myself. i don't know about school, but there are some jobs i think i'd like but you need a masters to get them. we'll see. things are moving along AND spring is coming, so i'm in much better spirits than i was. thank you, thank you for your great words.