Saturday, September 19, 2009

Out of Focus

I've really been off. i lose my keys, i've lost three pairs of sunglasses, i lost my cellphone. i'm driving badly - not focusing on the road. i'm not paying attention.

i've always been A LITTLE spacey, dreamy and distracted, but this is off the charts.

it scares me. where is my brain? is it busy wondering about the persistent stomach pain and headache?

i'm eating well. that's okay. pretty good, actually.

in posts past, i'd insist (practically scream) "I AM MY EATING DISORDER".

I'm not my eating disorder. my ED has ruled my life, it's decided my choices, it's encumbered most everything i do, but I AM NOT MY EATING DISORDER.

last night, we had friends over, and i had a great time. we talked and laughed and relaxed. the food was delicious, and i ate a nice amount. after dinner, even though i was full, i enjoyed a small slice of magnificently tasty carrot cheesecake. i wouldn't say it was intuitive eating, because i was already full, but in that moment i enjoyed my cake. and there was no freak-out after. so peaceful

all said, i see where i can be more confident, although i don't necessarily act on it. my friend Eve is on an amazing path -- she gets stronger and more directed. i watch her deal with her boyfriend in a centered, confident new way. here's something for me to gain and feel for myself. my communication skills lack something. and my self-confidence likes to cower.

if i can keep my shoulders back and honor myself (honor ME, who is not my eating disorder), things will get better.

ah, there's more work to do. it's all for good. it's all for good.

i wish i knew quite where to begin. i will figure it out.


  1. You are right, you are NOT your eating disorder. And I would disagree that eating the cake was not intuitive eating. Sometimes, IE means eating something just because you want it and it will taste good, that is 100% normal. What isn't IE is the destructive behavior of binging and not enjoying one bite.

    Keep up the good work!

  2. It's great that you're in a point in your recovery where you are able to completely separate yourself from your eating disorder. And I do think that having the cake is intuitive eating because that's what "normal" eaters do sometimes. Great job.

  3. i really loked the last part of this post. Even though you are talking about being spacey and out of it, I really see someone who is relaxed and centered. It sounds like you are really kicking some ED ass! that's awesome that you can seperate your identity from that of the ED. And I loved reading about you enjoying the carrot cake. Remember, normal eating means sometimes eating a little more even if you aren't hungry, but just because it is a special occasion.
    Way to go!

  4. What a great self-awareness you have. This will empower you and take you far!

  5. Hi, I'm new to your blog. I'm in e.d. recovery myself. :-)

    I do think that intuitive eating sometimes include eating things because we WANT them. I think that's okay. And it sounds like you ate a very responsible amount.

    Have you ever seen "Normal Eating" by Ellyn Satter? You might like it!

  6. I'm with sayhealth eating the cake WAS intuitive eating. Everyone else was eating it, having a slice made you happy and your body probably really enjoyed it too! When it get's a treat every now and then it's less likely to freak out and say "GIVE NOW!"

    YOU ROCK!!!

  7. Thank you and welcome to the blog. i will check out Normal Eating. i read your new blog, and it's great. will come back with comments soon.

    i also think that intuitive eating includes a nice slice of carrot cake. it's hard to strike my own balance after years of simply believing that Less was Best. still figuring it out.

    Eating Alone: Even better -- no one else had cake but me! they were full, but i had just enough room left for a tastey sliver. in writing, i sound practically recoverded. in my head, i know there's lots more work.