Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Doing Well!

Wow. I'm doing really well. I'm eating well and comfortably, not drinking, no sedatives and no Ambien. Well, look at me.

And I'm coping, even tolerating stressful situations and sitting with discomfort. Is this really me?

I wouldn't say life is perfect. there are plenty of issues, but i find myself sticking up for myself, like someone who has some self-esteem.

There are moments, for sure, when i'm displeased or uncomfortable, and a second plate of food looks comforting. But I refuse, I refuse to stuff down my feelings and then feel crummy later. Uh. Uh. even if i'm not ready to communicate about what's going on (it often takes me a long time to figure out what's bothering me.) I've come to realize that a second helping won't help, and i don't want it (unless i'm still hungry, in which case, i'll eat more.) like i said, "wow".

with alcohol, i have 36 days sober. i've written that this time is easier. once in a while, i do have a craving. while i was in california last week, my nephew (also my colleague) and i went out for dinner after a long day of work and a delightful early evening of sight-seeing. we planned to go to a great, beautiful seafood place, right on the water.

as we were driving there, i thought, "ah, it's a beautiful evening, the view will spectucualar, i'm in a great, stress-free, mood. wouldn't it be wonderful to have a glass of delicious wine with the magnificent food?"

no, it wouldn't be wonderful. i don't NEED a glass of wine to have a good time. my nephew and i were having a lot of fun talking and laughing and enjoying the views. like me, he lives for bookstores. we must have visited ten (yes, that does include the bookstores at ALL the airports we sat in) during our three-day visit. if i drank, i would have felt crappy, physically and emotionally. no way. i refuse to let a bottle of wine take away my freedom. i refuse.

net, net my nephew and i had a perfect meal. yes, the food was terrific, but the views were better, and the company even more. i looked at all the menu of extraordinary food and thought about what i really like, what i was really in the mood for and what would make me comfortably satiated.

it was late (we'd sight-seed for hours), i was totally sleep deprived, and actually not very hungry. i ordered crab soup, artichoke salad and ate the great bread. exactly what i needed and wanted.

what i wanted more was great conversation. i find that if someone talks with me and listens to me, food takes it's proper place.

my nephew and i did movie trivia (he knows a lot more than I) throughout the meal and then we discussed our family at length.

re: Ambien. i haven't been taking. i dwindled from 10mg to 5mg to .25 mg and now nothing. sure, it puts me to sleep. but it also makes me dumb the next day and for some reason effects my personality quite negatively. once again, i refuse. i refuse to let some drug make me dumb and unhappy.

some situations aren't easy, and i do get angry and scared and anxious. i've been calling my great friends and getting A LOT of support. that's seems to be the key for me. i'm noticing what makes me anxious, dealing with the issues and feelings and staying okay.



  1. Wow, this is awesome! You seem to be doing really well. I love those times when I think, "I'm acting like someone with self-esteem. Hey, maybe I have some!" Pretty cool. Congrats on resisting the alcohol and Ambien and trusting your instincts with food. You seem really content and FREEEE.

  2. this post gives me a lot of hope! so glad you are doing so well ... i LOVE hearing about people who are just living life - taking the good with the bad and just moving on.

    so happy for you!

  3. I am glad to read this Lissy. Really, truly happy for you. Must feel really great. You have done so well.

  4. Oh well done :D you're a star!

  5. I'm so glad to hear you're doing well! Congratulations on the sobriety. I'm proud of you for persevering. :)

  6. I just got your comment on my blog. You were in Orange County?! We should have met up! Next time :)

  7. I think you're doing great! Never experienced ambien, not overly fond of alcohol, but have my own issues I'm dealing with, and I too will have to sit with uncomfortable feelings. Boo! I think it's part of becoming a whole person, unpleasantness and all

  8. Wow indeed! I'm glad you're doing well. I hope you're proud!

  9. thank you all for your support and care. so far, it seems doable.

    we thru a huge party on Saturday with tons of food and alcohol. AND i had major cramps and hormones. i really worried how i would do, but i did fine. i didn't drink, and i ate a nice portion of food (more than a usual day, but fine) and cake. the party went from 4:30 pm until the last guest left at 3 am. i went to bed a 2.)

    i was more worried about the food than the alcohol, but i found that the alcohol was harder.

    i did it! i feel stronger for it.

    shout out to justjuliebean -- i love your blog and now have more time to read and comment.

  10. You GO girlie! For the record, isn't acting like someone with self-esteem the same as having it? Shh. Don't answer that. I'm going to act like a person with it and see how that treats me :)
    Thanks for the great post! Congrats.

  11. Hey Danielle Mari: how's it going with the self-esteem? every once in a while, i feel it in my bones. it kind of gently roars. kind of cool. fairly rare. very new.

    good to hear from you!!!