Friday, June 5, 2009


things have been going well. i am clean and sober and eating fine.

it's great and it's terrifying. suddenly, i'm not covering up or hiding from the real world. when a bill comes, i have to pay it. and i can't drink some wine first to forget just how little money i actually have. and how much i tend to spend.

last weekend, d. and i hung out. there was a lot of gardening and housework to do. i don't much like either. usually, i'd grab a big glass of wine and drudgingly do what needed to be done (complaining the whole time, of course). or i'd drink too much wine and end up too tipsy to work. i'd feel physically and emotionally awful and ashamed and start nibbling food. then i'd be miserable that i was eating , so i'd take ambien and go to sleep.

uh well, none of that works anymore. last weekend, i got pretty overwhelmed.i really didn't feel like yard work or hard work or cleaning, i crawled into bed in the middle of the day. and slept for four hours. d. wondered what the heck was wrong with me.

i was hiding. i was anesthetizing (without subsances) fear, resentment and mostly, self-hatred that i'm naturally lazy.

still, i suppose that in that moment, it was the best option i had. i didn't eat out of emotion, i didn't plan to starve, i didn't drink alcohol or take a sleeping pill.

now, i'm working on dealing with the real world. my therapist has me listing absolutely everything i spend. next, we're going to work out a budget. i've NEVER budgeted and always ended up in scarey debt. i spend way too much. that's another hidden secret. like binging or drinking, in the end shopping just hurts me.

and i guess i need to talk to d. about all the stuff that needs to get done around the house. like everything else, i prefer to avoid discussing it and doing it. but since i'm not obsessing about food or my weight, and i'm not drinking or taking pills, i guess it's an excellent time to face reality.

it's all hard work. i didn't realize quite how much there is to cope with!!! but i am doing well. feeling much healthier. sleeping better. beginning to take responsibility for myself.

not bad, right?

i'm not crawling into bed this weekend. my sister-in-laws mom died, and we're going to a funeral in rhode island. they're will TONS of booze and food, so wish me luck. i have my own plans for staying cool, but it's good to know you're all here.

i wonder if the funeral will remind me of my mom and her death and all my regrets. i'm trying very hard to stay in the present. my boyfriend will be with me. and i did very much like my sister-in-laws mom, so i'm glad i'm going.

i'll be away this weekend, probably without internet access. as soon as i'm back, i'm heading to california for work. if you don't hear from me soon, it's just because i'm traveling a lot. hope i have the chance to check in. blogging friends are the great support and therapy!


  1. It sounds like you're doing great! Like you said, you're working on dealing with the world, without a buffer like alcohol or ambien or food. I think crawling into bed is ok temporarily; your mind and body are getting used to facing things. I think the budget will empower you. You'll feel like you're taking the reins of your life. I'm really glad to hear you're so grounded.

  2. It;s wonderful that you're doing so well! Sometimes I think taking a nap and forgetting about problems is good, but other times it's not. It's definitely a bad thing to completely avoid issues. Good luck at the funeral!

  3. Good luck this weekend! I'm sorry for your loss..

    You really are doing *so* well!

  4. I often make myself get into bed, even if not tired, to avoid ED behaviors and or a panic attack, mostly in the evenings. I'm always so argutive with myself...

    "No just stay up, eat something."
    "I'm not hungry though"
    "But eating will be fun..except all the contiplation of what, and how much, and will be done after eating food."
    "I know it won't make me feel better, and if I eat, I'll probably (will) make myself eat tons more to be uncomfortable, then I'll purge, or have to restrict for a while."

    I always, until now, thought having a conversation in my head with my ED was silly, but I've been able to seperate real emotions and outcomes of my actions now, especially to cope with stress. Soooo not worth the few minutes of eating to become numb, because then you'll just want to be numb forever. And a nap is always a lovely thing to take.

    I wish you well on your trip, and keep up the good work hun!

  5. the every day tasks and responsibilities of life can be overwhelming - especially when you have been running from them for so long. the real world and being "an adult" is no fun sometimes. i think, in this case, your idea to crawl into bed was a good one. sometimes we all just need a little space and a little time to breathe.

  6. yeah funerals can be hard. good thing you have a plan to get through all the stress - hope it goes smoothly. I also sleep to avoid and sometimes i do think it is okay. Have safe travels...i'm glad to hear you are doing well.

  7. Hard being a grown up, especially when no one actually prepared you for it all. It is easy to get overwhelmed by the most simple of things. I know I do. I have trouble organising myself because I keep looking at the whole huge picture AND all the details in it rather than just take it in one small piece at a time.

    Plus, if you set the bench too high to reach it becomes impossible. Sort of like being 45 and trying to look 25. I set small projects and ignore the rest until I know I can take it on. Have to do it my way even if it is strange.

    Being able to face emotions and life responsibilities takes a while. You are doing well. When you go to the funeral, go there to celebrate the beauty of life, enjoy the food and wine for the taste and be happy with how far you have come.

    Living in the moment is just what you have to do. Hopefully you can find some peace within yourself. It is the only way forward.

  8. thanks everyone for all your thoughts and encouragement. it helps so much to know that i'm not alone. i wish that we could talk more freely in "the real world".

    the minister at the funeral spoke of how much we all need kindness and understanding from others. all of us. i think that gets forgotten sometimes. but i'm not writing it as well as he said it.

    i'm back in new jersey for a day and leaving tomorrow at 5 am for a work trip. zzzzz.

  9. Wow! You GO girl! So sorry to hear that you've got such a sad occasion calling you away. I think it's great that you know that the funeral will be a trigger event for you. Best of luck keeping on this good path even when it takes you to dangerous territory.

  10. Danielle Mari; i love your comments. the funeral was okay. sad, but the minister was wonderful and there was a lot of love. i feel very badly for my sister-in-law. she and her mother were very close. there is something about our mothers.

    so, we were in rhode island, which is extraordinarly beautiful. and the weekend was fine for me.

    this time around, i really seem to be handling sobriety. i don't have the cravings i've had other times. i'm really conscious of my thoughts, yet i seem to be enjoying my diet lemonade, clarity of thought and knowing that when i drink, my dreams will never be realized. drinking, i'd stay right where i am. sober, there are so many options, even if it's not all easy. sober feels good.