i don't seem to care much about my weight

did I write that, "i don't seem to care much about my weight?" WOW.

i just wrote that in response to a comment on my last post and then i stopped -- i guess i DID write that. could it be true?

i last weighed myself 12 days ago. it's a pretty big deal for me, indeed.

hand in hand with jumping off the scale, twelve days ago, i left D. and my home of 3 1/2 years. since then, i've been living on my own, in my own place for the first time in years. in the last 12 days, i went on a job interview and got offered a job (which i think i'm going to take tomorrow.) i've helped facilitate an AA workshop and lead a meeting. And i've felt friendships grow and develop, even in the last 12 days.

so much has happened and changed and moved me forward happily and with powerful strides.

on some levels, in the scheme of things, it seems trivial that i haven't stepped on scale. yet, we all know how huge this is.

speaking of huge....the "elephant" in the room. will i grow huge without the "kick your ass" guardianship of the scale.

i don't know. i have no idea how much i care.

my weight is definetely up. i look better. i feel better. what if it goes up more? i don't know. my range of "fine" keeps going up.

this is all rather startling. i find i love being startled!

Great Weight/No Scale

i feel like i'm at a great weight, but i wouldn't know. i haven't weighed myself in over a week!!!!!! i don't own a scale. YAYYYYYY.

i can't remember the last time i went more than a couple of days without hopping on that digital monster. and during those days, i was really kinda nervous. now, well, i have some brand new trust that things will be fine.

i was up 8 pounds when i moved out last Saturday. i'm assuming i'm somewhere in that range now, but it doesn't seem to matter.

as i make lists of what i need in my fabulous new home, every once once in a while i'll think, "oh, maybe i should get a scale." but then that thought drifts out. in truth, i really need to watch my pennies and i certainly don't NEED a scale. toilet brush - yes. vacuum - yes. tampons -- yes, a true necessity. Scale -- uh, if i have a couple extra bucks, i'd rather have a latte.

isn't it nice that the scale loses? ha ha!

let freedom ring.

Internet's coming

i'm getting internet service at my wonderful new home today, so i'll be back in blog world. i've been computer-free at home since Saturday. no TV either. quite peaceful, actually.

i am so looking forward to sitting down and catching up on blogs. (i'm writing this quickly from work-- personal stuff is HIGHLY frowned upon.)

i love, love, love my new home. i couldn't be happier.

AND -- i don't have a scale. haven't weighed myself since Saturday morning. i was totally a daily weigher. this is grrrreat.

gotta run back to work. more later -- when i get internet service. YIPPEE

Moving Day is Here

Hey, everyone. I'm moving today! i can't believe it. I'm going to have my own apartment.

i haven't written much lately, because everything's been a wild whirlwind of activity swirling around. but i found a nice place that's much closer to work == half hour closer each way. and i'll be standing on my own two feet (a little scarey financially, but that's the way the adult world works.

i'm super tired today -- up all night packing and there's a BIG day ahead. Can't wait for the end of the day, when i curl up on my own bed in my own apartment where the heat is great. yippee!

a bunch of guys from AA are moving me. i am so lucky and grateful. my life is not the life i had six months ago -- not by a loooong shot

if i'm not in blog world for a little, you guys know why. also, i missed the cable guys at the new apartment the other day, so i don't have internet or tv yet

the guys are here. gotta run

Sexy

I’ve gained 7 pounds and I feel….sexy? is that possible? Could I actually feel more attractive with seven MORE pounds?

Yes, I was really comfortable seven pounds ago –lean & healthy– I could slither into my favorite jeans even after they’d been tossing in the dryer for way too long. I thought I looked great.

But here I am, 7 pounds heavier and feeling fine. And just a little hot.

If you’re anything like me, you rarely feel sexy. Somehow, weight-watching took away my zesty gene. There wasn’t much room (no room) for hips, thighs or boobs.

Now, look at me. I’m looking kind of round. My bra’s a bit too tight. There’s a little belly pooching out against my pants (I didn’t wear jeans – they’re not that comfortable today!)

So, I’m bopping around work. Look at me! Don’t I look like a real woman?! Woo hoo.

This is wild AND wildly wonderful. I feel grrrrreat.

And I’m not restricting or thinking of restricting. In fact, I’m letting myself be. That feels grrrreat too.

I have been weighing myself (obviously, as I know I’ve gained 7 pounds), but what if I stop? Does it really matter what I weigh? Uhm, there’s an interesting question…

The fact is, the chances are, I’m not going to gain the zillion pounds I’ve always feared. I eat healthfully and moderately with little treats.

Wow, I almost sound like a normal person. Uhm, did I say that?

Going Natural

I’ve posted before about my seriously low self-esteem when it comes to my looks. Way too much time and money (and I mean WAY TOO MUCH) has gone to cover and disguise my natural appearance.

With all the positive changes in me and my life, I’ve begun to lose interest. Does anyone care if my fingers and toes aren’t professionally manicured?

I used to wear so much make-up; I truly believed I looked UNACCEPTABLE if I wasn’t FULLY made-up at all times. I was embarrassed in front of my boyfriend in the morning. Last March, I went to Macy’s and spent $785 on cosmetics. And you have to know I had tons of make-up at home. Yes, that’s right - $785

Now, I slap on eyeliner and lipgloss, during the week. They both wear off by noon, BUT I DON’T CARE. I think it’s fine. I don’t cringe deeply when I look in the mirror. Wow.

I got Lasix eye surgery a year ago, and it’s thrilling to see, but really –I thought I was hideous with glasses. I recently saw picture of me with glasses and you know what – NOT HIDEOUS.

My biggest stumbling block was always my huge frizzy, brillo-pad hair. I straighten it professionally and have it dyed blonde pretty frequently.

Suddenly, it doesn’t look like me to me. I’ve been pouring through old pictures of my mousy brown mop-top and………..well, that's me.

This transformation of thinking amazes and thrills me. It’s brilliant to put my time and efforts into other things (anything!) but my appearance. And to I think that I look okay….well that’s priceless.

Saturday, I’m heading off to the hairdresser and going back to brown. Back to basics. Back to me.

Bored/Anxious/Depressed

Work is really, really slow, and I work on commission. I’ve been cold calling and calling and calling, but nobody’s hiring. My boss is NOT happy. And I hate cold-calling.

If I’m not cold-calling, I’m working hard to look busy, but I am truly running out of ideas.

Right now, it’s making me anxious and depressed. I have that bleary-eyed, foggy thinking, brain befuddled thing going on. I’m getting a little sweaty. And there’s two more hours to go. AND this is the time of day where it gets even slower.

I don’t mind the job at all if work is consistent or busy, but that’s just not happening lately. Every day stretches before me. I sit next to my supervisor who wiggles if I’m not on the phone, making or taking calls.

I’m a little worried about my job – if I’m not taking ads, I’m pretty superfluous.

I daydream about going back to school but am not sure how, exactly, to afford this. Do I want to take loans at my age and end up in big debt? I just got my credit back and don’t owe any money at the moment. AAAARGH.

I don’t know what to do about work. I’ve only been here four months. I’d really like to be able to stay here and support myself. I don’t want a different job at the moment. All I’m qualified for is more of the same. As I said, I don’t mind this job if I have enough work to do.

What do other people do when they’re bored, anxious and depressed at work? Anybody hiring?!