Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Accepting Weight Gain

Ugh. After all these years, I still hate gaining weight. It seeps into daily life (“my weight is up, my weight is up”.) Yes, it’s not like the old days when each pound brought tears, starvation, shame and terror, but it still niggles at the back of my mind.

Today, I left my house with my head up, make-up on, wearing a cute outfit – just like I always do. I remind myself constantly that no one notices 5 pounds, and if they did, they’d be weird.

I remind myself constantly that I’m not a number – I’m a woman with a heart and mind and many more important fish to fry (fry!)  Worrying about a few pounds is stupid, not productive and helping no one. Pretty much, it’s just selfish and self-centered.

And I’m the only one who cares. My boyfriend doesn’t notice my weight at all and tells me I’m beautiful no matter what I weigh, no matter what I’m wearing, make-up or no make-up… But I don’t believe I’m beautiful. I think I’m funny looking in a sort of appealing way. At least I don’t think I’m hideously ugly anymore!

But the reason I always knew myself to be hideously ugly was my weight – I was the fat kid, mercilessly teased and taunted. My peers called my names. Adults harangued that I desperately needed to lose weight to be acceptable or attractive.  When I finally did lose tons of weight, it felt like the world cheered.


No wonder I am where I am.

16 comments:

  1. my best fried is overweight and was a 'chubby' child. I guess, i mean when i look at her childhood pictures I see a kid that has a bigger shape but not an overweight child. Anyway i think she has PTSD from the merciless taunting and abuse she received from her peers. It was not just name calling, she was bullied. They were abusive and she was terrified. I think it still severely impacts her 30 years later. I give her support but as we know the hardest parts you must do alone. It makes me insanely angry to see how much those awful experiences negatively warped her life.

    I know the emotional weight of 5 lbs is more than the physical weight of 5lbs. You are good. You are brave. Maybe that nagging voice we have will go away and maybe it never will. Either way - you are right - We can choose to not listen. <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. It breaks my heart to see anyone teased about his or her weight. It's excruciatingly painful to be on the receiving end.

    Yes, kids are cruel - at least that was my experience. Will I ever let go of being the only kid in the 8th grade not invited to Michele Grosseibl's party? Or the look of pity on her face when found out that I knew? I can still relate to that horrible, hopeless and devastatingly lonely feeling.)

    Re; those 5 pounds. I can totally go about my life, being productive and hopefully helpful too. But I sure am annoyingly happy when those pounds drop off!!!

    Adults can be pretty cruel too, sadly

    Thanks for writing GG?!!!

    ReplyDelete
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