Friday, February 15, 2013

Fear of Food No More

When I started my job a few years ago, I no longer binged, purged or starved BUT i now realize, I was still afraid of food.

I'm not afraid anymore

A little back story, much of my job ironically entails making sure a rather food obsessed office eats. I had no idea when i started that providing meals for everyone would be my job. It takes up (in my opinion, but not my bosses) a silly amount of time each day, but for now, this is my job.

Inevitably, my car is filled with fried chicken, Big Macs, shakes, pancakes and bacon, etc. These are ALL foods i spent as much time as possible avoiding, because i was so TERRIFIED of them. What if i ate french fries, would i be back on my old endless and devastating binge cycles? What if i ate when i wasn't hungry just because the food was there? would i go back to my nearly life long MISERABLE obsession with eating?

None of that happened. Now, blessedly, i don't have those fears. That's because i've learned that FOOD CAN NOT AND WILL NOT SOLVE MY PROBLEMS! i think i did what i had to do to get here out of sheer survival instincts. Perhaps, there was no coincidence that i landed here?

All my life i used food to comfort me, to be my best and sometimes only friend, to replace a lover -- to block out any feelings and particularly to anesthetize pain.

In my case, it was the 12 steps that helped me to see that i was trying to use food for something it could never do. Food won't find me a different job, food won't land me a potential husband, nor will it put money in my bank account or do anything other than...feed me food. Only I can do all those other things for myself.

It's been a journey, and it's cool to see it's possible to move on to live. i was pretty sure that it wasn't possible


  1. I can relate so much
    Due to my eating disorder food stopped being fuel and became a reward or punishment
    I am in the middle of a binge/purge cycle at the moment and it is relentless
    Today I'm trying so hard to stop
    I'm trying to muster up the courage to go back to meetings
    Anxiety and fear have kept me away for far too long
    Do you have any advice for a very scared girl?

  2. Ruby, first of all, would you like to email? mine is Or if you give me yours, i can write you.

    it's an awful cycle, isn't it? remember, remember that it is quite doable to get well. you are not trapped here forever.

    i have always found that the best of all places to be is desperate and down and at the end of the rope, because then we can let go and begin recovery. if you are desperate and done, see the grace. now you can get well.

    i have never made great strides when things are ok-ish. it's when i'm at bottom that i am willing to change my thoughts and actions.

    write me and we can "talk" more.